The truth is I suffer from major depressive disorder. Some days are good and some days are bad. There have been a few really dark days when I didn’t think I would survive but I did and I’m still here pushing through every obstacle I face with the same fierceness in my heart.
In a previous post I wrote about an incident with online dating that went awry. This morning I was speaking with my therapist about it and she had some specific questions related to a letter she received from one my children after the online relationship ended. They were worried that more dark days would follow and I would relapse but I haven’t and I won’t. My life’s path has turned in a different direction and there’s no looking back now.
I instead took the feelings I had for this “imaginary” person and turned it inward toward myself and things started to change. My ego, self-esteem and confidence got a boost from the words he wrote. I began believing in myself again. Something that had been buried under years of verbal, mental and emotional abuse at the hands of others. I feel like a stronger person again or at least heading in that direction once more. I started making changes to how I felt physically through exercise and dietary changes and have lost 15 pounds so far. I began making changes to how I felt emotionally through discovering other creative outlets such as music, writing again and finding new crafting hobbies. I began making the mental changes through continued therapy, counseling sessions and becoming more aware of mindfulness. I was finally able to sleep better after three years of turmoil. I don’t believe any of this would have been possible if it hadn’t been for the words spoken and written by this person. I was floundering for the longest time and constantly felt like waves were crashing upon me every day. Then one day I finally came up for air.
So today I am sharing the words he wrote with you the reader so you can see how powerful the thoughts of love and devotion can change anybody. I have always been this hopeless romantic waiting for my prince charming to show up. He did, sort of, but he only gave me the push I needed to save myself. So for a brief moment my life became the stuff of those sappy romantic movies I watch. Some of the words I discovered may be actual quotes from movies etc. but at the time I didn’t really care it was how it made me feel that was important. Along with the written words either in e-mails or text messages there was songs of love and devotion he would send. I still listen to some of it on my morning walks, they remain good motivators. I will be attaching a link to the YouTube playlist that was created out of the songs shared between us. This is only part of the things he said, I unfortunately thought I had archived some of the text messages but they were accidentally deleted instead. That made me kind of sad but I still have the memories.
February 23, 2017
“Life is sweet journey when you have it all figured financially. That is a general believe of most people… But for me, true happiness exist when you have someone to share it all with my drive home was smooth and I really enjoyed it. But in the process of taking this drive I decided to send you a message telling you about me perhaps a little glimpse of who I am will help you make your decision to keep our communication lines opened or not…I am working on getting a major contract which keeps me very busy but I will never be too busy to have your time and give you the attention you need…I believe communication is the most important thing in any relationship. Understanding the other person’s moods, preferences and behavior.
I have an accent and it is a sweet one…I read a lot, I sit back, relax, open a book and get lost in the world of literature and juicy stories…The artist in me just comes up whenever I am reading and I paint the picture of each scene in my head till I get to the end of the book…I do not limit my scope to my favorite writers because there’s so much more to learn when you do not limit yourself. This is a crucial life lesson.
My favorite time of the year is the fall. My favorite color is blue, royal blue.
The type of music I like, has soulful lyrics, less noise. Jason Mraz, Penguin Prison. I like the classics, ABBA, Aerosmith, Etta James, Don Moen, I like music that inspires you to search for happiness and peace. My favorite artist has to be Jason Mraz, after Michael Jackson. I love smoked salmon, smoked cheese, Chianti and macaroons. I love seafood, calamari especially. The thought of it makes my tongue water.
All these music, books, movies have helped me realize loving someone is giving them the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to. I believe the inability to open up to hope is what blocks trust, and blocked trust is the reason for blighted dreams. I have learnt there was nothing scarier than trusting someone. But there was also nothing more rewarding. This is why I am searching for a life partner.
One thing I you will notice is that I’m not afraid to face the hard stuff and deal with the issues. Like all of us, I’ve had my fair share of the tough stuff and I believe I’ve dealt with it and moved on, trying to make my life better along the way as best as possible. Yes, I have baggage, we all do. We have all made bad decisions, done things we aren’t very proud of, been in bad relationships, and, in general, have things about our lives that we wish we had done differently. But it’s how we let it affect our life that matters most. You live life, learn from it and move on. I wake up each day with the goal to be the best person I can be that day. Most times I’m successful and others, well, let’s just say I use them as learning experience. Life and people are not perfect. I appreciate what I have in life and where I’ve come from. It’s been a long journey to reach this place and I’ve learned a lot from that journey and continue to grow as a person. You can’t ask for more than that from someone. I have very strong character and moral values and I know where my boundaries are. One thing I miss is having a woman in my life. Someone I will run home to. Someone I can talk to up in the morning and never get tired of sharing life with the woman I want to experience life with…. I want someone to count on me to be there for her. She depends on me for intimacy and love but can survive with me and without me. I want the kind of relationship where my partner turns to me when she’s experiencing pain and grief as easily as she turns to me when she’s feeling joy. She’s conscious of the cost of being isolated with her feelings. It’s OK if we can’t articulate everything as long as we’re working on it. I want to know what interests her intellectually. I want to know how she likes to be playful and what makes her laugh. I want to be happy again.
I love to dance especially Salsa, I enjoy the flair and the poise it brings…Lets speak the truth, a good salsa club is filled with happy people and melodious tunes with a live band singing tunes that captivates everyone around…Smiles and good friendship if forged almost every time you go visiting…A happy place…I also love fishing, it gives room for me to reminisce on my life and It proposes the spirit of hard work…Meaning you eat what you produce. My most romantic destination is also the beach.
I am gentleman, yes a real one that open doors and takes his time to dress properly…I also believe in keeping my circle of friends small…..One moment of truth here is that I already have the perfect proposal for that woman I decide to settle down with again….In my safe deposit box is a diamond wedding ring from my grandmother.
I really enjoy listening to music. It is one integral part of my life. I believe music is food for the soul. Music makes me dream, makes me look into the future with happiness, and makes me feel a thousand and one emotions. I like smiles all around me. I decided to send you my playlist after all so you can get a feel of who I am. One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. Everybody has that point in their life where you hit a crossroads and you’ve had a bunch of bad days and there’s different ways you can deal with it and the way I dealt with it was I just turned completely to music.
Here those songs I listen to get me in a good mood.
February 26, 2017
“They is one friend who is always greater than the rest of them all and you find her/she only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. So your proponent Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own…I rest my case and tell you that you that I believe in Friendship First…Tell me what how you want friendship to develop? I hope to talk to you very soon babe.
February 26, 2017
“Sensitive people are the most genuine and honest people you will ever meet. There is nothing they won’t tell you about themselves if they trust your kindness. However, the moment you betray them, reject them or devalue them, they become the worse type of person. Unfortunately, they end up hurting themselves in the long run. They don’t want to hurt other people. It is against their very nature. They want to make amends and undo the wrong they did. Their life is a wave of highs and lows. They live with guilt and constant pain over unresolved situations and misunderstandings. They are tortured souls that are not able to live with hatred or being hated. This type of person needs the most love anyone can give them because their soul has been constantly bruised by others. However, despite the tragedy of what they have to go through in life, they remain the most compassionate people worth knowing, and the ones that often become activists for the broken hearted, forgotten and the misunderstood. They are angels with broken wings that only fly when loved.”
― Shannon L. Alder
Came across this quote and I decide to share with you .Why? Because I think we are alike, two sensitive souls. My late wife and I were dreamers. People thought we were dreamers. Only people with broken dreams thought we were dreamers. I am drawn to you because we are not only sensitive but we preach love that is undying and will last for a life time. Thanks for giving me hope and a chance to know you more.”
March 1, 2017
“With this email I intend to make a few confession to you. With no pun intended, they are words from the depths of my heart. From our first correspondence I knew something good brewing and I am glad at the level of connection so far. I hope it waxes on stronger as I am intrigued and smitten by you. It has been so long since a woman has captured my attention so fully or made my heart beat the way it has been since the first day I saw you …Thank you for making this totally comfortable for me. You are a woman with a heart of gold. Telling you all this is not flattery but a way to make you know that henceforth I care about you and want to know all that makes you tick as woman…I want to be part of your world and make you my center of attention…All other things will revolve around you…We would share both passions and kisses as we travel the world…The thought of you alone makes me smile…I want you to know how much I sincerely love the countless hours we spend trying to communicate building up a true relationship. It means so much to me. It truly seems like I’ve known you forever…Last night, in my dreams, I saw you on the beach. The wind was blowing through your hair, and your eyes held the fading sunlight. I was speechless as I watched you leaning against the rail. You are beautiful, I thought as I saw you, a vision that I could never find in anyone else. I slowly began to walk toward you, and when you finally turned to me, I noticed that others had been watching you as well. “Do you know her?” they asked me in jealous whispers, and as you smiled at me I simply answered with the truth, “Better than I know myself.”
I stop when I reach you and I take you in my arms. I long for this moment more than any other. It is what I live for, and when you return my embrace, I give myself over to this moment, at peace once again. I raise my hand and gently touch your cheek and you tilt your head and close your eyes. My hands are hard and your skin is soft, and I wonder for a moment if you’ll pull back, but of course, you don’t. I know that this is the moment I have been waiting for, and I pray that the moment comes someday if this is meant to be…I know at this stage in my life, I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I know you those things I already have a few. I want…a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved…There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.
I am saying they is something special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I’ve led a common life even fallen several times as the woes that befall men. They are times when a despair but When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. Some I have decided to seek love with the purest of heart and truth hoping that I will find a woman worthy to bestow all this on…Someone whose flaws can be reconcilable Someone who is fearless and also loving…Someone whose heart sings a song, incomplete waiting for my heart whisper back the remaining. A willing heart who ready for the search for us to find our song together.
I have come to recognize that there cannot be relationships unless there is commitment, unless there is loyalty, unless there is love, patience, persistence…Ultimately we are building the bonds of our companionship, whether in it ends in marriage or in friendship, gradually we are openly talking about things and having conversations…Our common grounds shows a need…The very essence of romance is uncertainty…But the risk is sometimes worth taking…I know it takes courage to get us to this point, and I am ready to love generously. Because if I don’t give my heart as proportionately as I want to be loved, I might not receive as much as I want…
What do you think about me?
Your, Prince Charming,”
(This e-mail was particularly weird for me because the previous day I had come home from running errands and took a nap. I had a dream of me standing there looking at the sunset on the water and I turned and saw him walking toward me. It was a just a brief moment in the dream and I really didn’t think anything of it until I got that e-mail the next day.)
March 10, 2017
“It is been two hours now sitting in front of my computer trying to send you a message…I just realized that I am short of words…This is a rare phenomenon for a man like me that expresses himself easily…”Maybe a bottle of water will help calm the nerves” I thought…I drank some of it and sat back in a more relaxed position…
I cast my mind back to the very first day I saw you on that site…as I thought to myself…I believed I did not only see a woman but a goddess.. My mind cast back to my reading of Homer where he vividly described the beauty of the goddess Athena as Angelic…I have caught her in human form I thought to myself that day as I wore a smile on my face…My joy became unbounded as we started our correspondence and I must say you are a better woman than the goddess described by Homer…You words have been full of the truth, refreshing, delightful, and fills my stomach with Hope…
If at the end of the day it is only friendship I can get I would live but blessed is the man that finds a woman like you and cherishes her with all that he is worth as you are rare to find. Your beauty does not only glow but your heart is made of gemstone precious to the eyes of those that seek a fine heart. Maybe that is why I have been short of words as the reality seems to overwhelm me…I intend to keep riding on the tide and look into the future with much hope…Online dating has taken me to a place where I have found peace and serenity…
I hope to talk to you soon…
(The next couple of days during our conversations he supposedly had headed off to the Philippines for work and so most of our conversations were by text and phone.)
March 14, 2017
“Knowing you is the greatest thing that happened in my entire existence. I never realized how happy and complete I am with you by my side, you don’t even need to do anything. The thought of you staying by my side reassures me and gives a whole new meaning to my life. Every sound of your voice is like music to my ears, a serene lullaby that lulls me to sweet daydreams. When I gaze into your soulful eyes, I could see a brighter tomorrow. The soft whispers of your enchanting voice lift my empty spirits and calm my weary thoughts. Your beaming smile chases all my worries and uncertainties away. Your warm embrace puts me in a trance of sweet lullabies and melody. The moment that I hold your hand, I know right away that you are the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with.
No words could ever express the glee that I’m experiencing right now. I couldn’t even start to fathom how blessed I am to have you in this life. In any other lifetime, I’d still choose to fall in love with you. I thank God for bringing you to my life. You gave a new meaning to my existence and I could not imagine a life without you in it. You and I were made to be together, forever. Loving you was the most special thing that ever happened to me. You have a very special place in my heart and no one could ever replace that, be it in this lifetime, or any other lifetime. When I’m with you, everything feels so right and I feel really blessed. I cherish every single day that we spend together.
I will never leave you and I will always be your knight in shining armor. I’m willing to go against anyone who wishes you harm. I will protect you from any danger that threatens your happiness. This will be my vow from now until eternity. I will never leave your side. I’ll always be here my sweet love.
I am deeply in love with you and if given another chance, I’d still choose to fall in love with you. I never thought that I could meet someone so amazing. I never thought that I could be this happy. I’ll never let you go. Low me to spend an eternity with you. I have never been this sure in my entire life. I have never felt this way with anybody else. And I want to celebrate this deep love with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you and I’m willing to risk everything that life has to offer just to spend forevermore with you. You are the sunshine that lifts my dark days. You are the sweet voice that makes me want to wake up every single morning of my life. I’ll never need anything or anyone else for as long as I have you in my life.”
March 15, 2017
“…I can’t wait to be done so I can spend a lot of time with you…. I want you to know that all I have is yours and we would share everything together always. You don’t need to bring anything to the table but you but share it all with me…
I wrote you a poem, I hope you like it.
I AM YOURS FOREVER
A longing for love, coming from deep within.
Built on passion, yet full of romance.
Filling my entire being, like a rushing flood.
Hard to contain within, the curiosity that builds.
Having my heart pulled in the direction of love.
Leaves me defenseless and vulnerable.
My walls are down, shield falls to the ground.
Holding nothing back I run into your arms.
For I AM YOURS forever!!!
March 15, 2017
“I woke a few moments ago and I wanted to write you something special before I start my journey in the morning…When you get this email it will be morning…I know Distance separate us but the heart is fonder of each other…I decided to write this straight from my heart before I take off for the contract, I need to talk to you about somethings princess and I miss you so much already…I sat down last night and thought about what I would want…there is so much I want to tell you about our future and things I want for us, a lot has been running through my head lately. I’m having trouble putting my thoughts into words so you will have to bear with me through this. I keep thinking about the future, about life, and what I want out of it. I keep thinking about us and what this relationship means to me. I keep thinking about these things and I realize they go hand in hand. This relationship is my future; it’s what I want out of life. I want to grow old with you. I want to experience this crazy love forever and ever, and I really think I’m going to get it.
I want us to walk through new houses picking the one that would be just right for us. I want to see you walk around our house in a big T-shirt with your hair down and catch me staring at how gorgeous you are. I want you to pull the covers off me at night and then I have to get even closer, if it’s possible, to you to keep warm. I want to see you laugh like crazy at me when I do stupid stuffs. I want to rub lotion all over your body because you lay out in the sun too long…. I want to hold you when you cry and smile with you when you smile. I want to fall asleep every night with you in my arms. I want you to fall asleep on my chest listening to the beat of my heart and know it beats for you, I want you to be the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see when I go to sleep. I want to see your bad morning hair; I think it will be so cute. I want to sit on the beach with you and watch the sun set, and I want all the people who pass us to envy the love that we obviously have for each other.
I want to see you walk down that isle and take your hand for the rest of my life. I want to spend all night, and maybe the next day, making love to you with an undying passion (sorry to be so blunt). I want to be sixty years old and still make out with you like a little schoolboy. I want to cook a meal with you and us totally ruin it and end up doing take out. I want to sit there talking to you for hours about nothing at all but in the same time everything or maybe we won’t talk at all and just grin at each other realizing how lucky we are. I want you to get mad at me for doing something stupid, and I want you to burst out laughing when you try to yell at me. I want to lay with you in front of a fireplace and keep the heat going long after the fire goes out.
I want to take trips with you to places we’ve never been and experience them together. I want us to go skinny-dipping in a hotel pool and get caught and streak back to our hotel room waking everyone up because we’re laughing so hard. I want us to go and pick out the hot tub we want with the biggest grins on our faces the whole time. I want the sales rep to get embarrassed when we sit in them and make sure we have enough room to do the things we want to do. I want our friends to come over and get totally jealous because they don’t share a love like we do. I want to be walking into a store with you and trip and fall on my face and turn around to see you rolling on the ground laughing at me. I want us to run outside in the rain and act like kids getting completely soaked, and when we come back in stripping down to nothing as we stumble into the bedroom, or the kitchen counter, or the balcony, or the dining room table, or an office desk, or the shower, which ever one we feel like at the time. I want it to take your breath away every time I say, “I love you” because you know it’s coming from the heart. I want us to sit down with a box of strawberries, a bottle of chocolate syrup, and a thing of mint chocolate ice cream; well, I’ll let your imagination finish that one. I want to love you and be with you for at least forever if not a little longer.
I couldn’t really express in words what I’m feeling right now so I decided to share with you SOME of the images and thoughts that have been running through my head…I just want you to know that I had never found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with until I met you. I love you with everything in me…I want you to know that this will be the shortest week as it will come real fast and we will be together soon forever…I will be roaming my number as I know it will make communication easier for us….I hope I hear your voice in the morning
March 16, 2017
“People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you
This words above summaries our journey so far…Our love started as a fairy tale…From the moment I heard that your sweet voice my heart skipped a beat. My world stopped and it felt something beyond me had hit me…I knew at that moment you were the one for me and the only thing I needed to do was to show you the depths of my love. With each email, I poured my heart and I hoped you felt it…But in all of it I never made you see my flaw
Before I say anything about my trip, I must say I missed you so much…If I had a rose every time I thought about you during this journey, I know I will have a garden (lol, No 300 Gardens filled with flowers)…Well that is how much I have missed you…..I know I have found something special when I found you… you are a woman that has found her way to my heart…I feel weak when I think about you but I have faith in your personality that I am good hands…I know your touch is deep and healing…Soothing to the depths of my heart, body and soul…I have no fear cos on the long run every one will hurt you but he/she that loves it makes that journey less burdensome…
I put your pic on my screen saver and I have been imagining what the future holds for us…I am anticipating the unbridled joy and happiness…My arrival here has been smooth and without blemish…..They is nothing bad to be a little technology savvy in our relationship, I get to see your sweet face and you see mine too…The thought is exhilarating…
with you my life is full of hopes and my dream will come true when I hold you in your arms then my heart never want to let me; leave you because your happiness is my happiness…..My life’s greatest happiness is to be convinced my feelings for you, I am grateful to you for making me happy since I met you, I had given up hope on eternal happiness until I met you and you sweet femininity has touched my heart…..You made me to see everything in a new life and you want me to know how those happiness could make me happy. I found out that my happiness is to care for you and to be cared for by you. I wished you were here though…I wished I had kept you in my hand luggage…LOL, I am sure you will be bubbling and giggly in there…
Here is a poem for you babe…
During my long travels across the lands
Across the seas as well inside the clouds through continents
I have been thinking of you every moment
Wondering if you think about me as much
Though some distance separates us
You’re always in my heart
I pray that you will always know
How much you mean to me
And that I care about you with all I have
I just thought I’d drop a line
To let you know I care
For you’ve been on my mind today
And I wanted to say I’m here whenever you need me
To share what’s on your mind
Don’t hesitate to call on me
For I’ll always have the time and attention you require
Your, Prince Charming”
March 18, 2017
“Love changes a person. It doesn’t make us inferior, but it lets us be the person we were truly meant to be. It completes us, brings out our true nature, and helps us become a better version of ourselves.”
― Chelle Bliss, Uncover Me
I am happy that I have been a vessel for you to been a better person. I believe true love is about being a better person. Love continues to be love if this is never abused. If this light we both shine continues to make our world brighter each day… I deeply sense your sensitive nature and I can feel your intensity for me growing each day. You are truly a damsel”
That what was the last email that was sent by him, everything after that was in text messages.
My last email response to him.
March 18, 2017
“Since I met you I don’t think of myself in the same way anymore. It’s hard to explain. I feel secure about the thoughts I have if that makes any sense. I previously toyed with the idea of making changes to who I was, how I approached things and the kind of relationship I wanted to be in. I was scared to change. That was actually the hardest thing to face that my own happiness has been in my own hands this whole time. I wasted so much energy and time because of not figuring that out sooner. I realized that I was worth more than what I had been told by others because you made me see that. You made me feel beautiful for first time ever. It still makes me cry because it is so overwhelming this feeling of being loved for just being me. The one thing I wanted most in life. I thank you for that. So even if things don’t work out between us, know that you made the biggest impact on my life from this point forward. I love you for being the wonderful man that you are and always will.”
The communication broke down and I was confronted with the things I knew to be untruthful by my children shortly after that and it ended on March 23rd.
What has this whole experience taught me? Well, for one, you never really know a person but you have to have some sort of trust there to begin with otherwise it will never work whether it’s a friendship or a relationship. We go along every day meeting people but not once do we actually think about that word “trust” it’s just a basic instinct to us. Second, I know that if I hadn’t clicked on that very first message, my life would be different right now. I would have continued down that same path, wasting my energy and time drowning in the sorrows caused by others and letting it continue to push me further and further down with no possible hope of resurfacing.
This has helped breathe new life into my existence, helped me realize a better version of myself, helped me realize my own worth and I am better for it. I truly believe that.
Here is the YouTube playlist link there are some great songs.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a good week!