Love – Following the signs

I woke up at 3:33 am this morning.  The sound of the rain, wind, and thunder lulled me out of my sleep.  It was way too early to be waking up then the chiming of my phone alerts sounded to let me know that we were under a thunderstorm watch.   I had only been asleep for 5 hours.

So I woke up and instinctively picked up my phone.  A bad habit that I’ve been developing lately.  As I laid there with the only illumination in the darkness emanating from the tiny screen, I checked emails and then went on to social media.

The thoughts of the time that I woke up still lingering.  I’ve been waking up to triple digits on occasion for quite a while.  It’s been a few years.

I’ve always felt that along with our own free will that we are guided by the universe to be in the right place at the right time or to some the wrong place at the wrong time.  I guess it really depends on your state of mind.

I’ve always been open to other ideas about why we are here and trying to find what my purpose is in this short-lived life.  Now granted, there are some extremely crazy things that people believe and I’m not going to be a person who will not listen to the idea but I will take these ideas into account during those times with some sort of logic that can be applied to it and not take it as the whole truth.  I will be respectful as needed.  Everyone is entitled to believe what they want to believe no matter how “out there” it sounds.  We are a product of our own reality after all the logic and sound thinking is stripped away.

Whether the times have been 11:11, 1:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44, 5:55, they have all been frequent numbers that pop up at random times.  I always thought it was just some weird coincidence.  Then last year about this time I was working with a woman who believed that numbers especially multiples of a number where so-called “Angel Numbers” trying to send us a message.  It was a curious notion and so I started looking up what these numbers whenever they would show up frequently throughout the day or week.   This started becoming a habit that still comes up whenever I see them.

I don’t know whether there are “Angels” at work in our lives but can consider it as some sort of gentle guiding force that in correlation with our own judgement and reasoning that helps us come to a conclusion about the things occurring within our lives.  A way to work out what is happening at that moment.  Sort of a reminder or sign to look at what is going on and making a decision about where we need to be.  I don’t see this as any different that some basic foundations of religion or thoughts of developing your higher conscience through meditation and yoga.  I feel like they are all ways to guide us to think about not just the way we live but the way we should think and view the world around us.   The negativity of the world will always be there but how we navigate through it has always been our choice.

One aspect of my life that has always had some sort of turmoil attached to is the prospect of love or being in love.  I’ve written before about this topic numerous times.  I know my children and others are tired of hearing about it but it is one part of my life that I cannot control and that irritates me.

That competitive and overbearing nature coupled with the insecurity within me comes out and clashes with the fundamental idea of love. The intense feeling or deep affection for another. So this in turn always causes emotional turbulence within myself and with the person who has captured my attention.  I know love should easy but for me it has never been that way.  I did not grow up with a positive view on relationships or how love should be.

I’ve always had these romantic notions about it but always felt that is all it was a notion, an idea, a fantasy but not a reality.  Sometimes we are blinded by the other person and want to see nothing but the good but isn’t love supposed to be that way?  They make us happy.  We all know that no matter how perfect they may seem to us the flaws are there but we choose to overlook them because we care about them.  To others outside the relationship, no matter what their reasoning is, will see the negative aspects of the relationship and are all too willing to point that out. That’s human nature sometimes, narrow-mindedness, jealousy or envy can be powerful motivators.

So as I’ve gone along this past year seeing these so-called signs and trying to reason out what I should be doing as is applied to my family and career but it has been hard to apply this logic to actual relationships.

Why?  It is hard to apply it because a relationship relies on two individuals and not just one.  They both have to be in sync with each other in some way otherwise it doesn’t work.  I have to be willing to let the other person into my life and become a part of it but with everything that happened with my last major relationship, I’m obviously not ready yet.  I’m also scared of the thought.

So I will find excuses as to why it is not working whether they are actually true or not. It’s my fail-safe way to deal with my own emotional turmoil and to also try to not hurt the other person in the process because I do still care about them even if we are not truly compatible. To let them go knowing that’s not what I want and will agonize over it incessantly but what is needed at that time for my sake and theirs.

So these past few years during the separation and divorce I attempted and failed at maintaining a relationship with somebody.  Loneliness is an even more powerful motivator that can propel you in directions you never thought of before.

I mourned the loss of someone. I got involved with people already attached to other people.  Made more than one attempt at developing a relationship with the same person which is not like me to do because I rarely give second chances.  Attempted the online dating thing which ended badly with the “fantasy” person but I came away with some positives mixed into it. Actually met someone in person that I met in a 2nd online attempt which did not go well and only fortified my beliefs in the qualities I am looking for in a life partner.

I hopefully will come to terms with my thoughts on the subject of love but until then I will continue to see the “signs” of what I need to be doing about it and go from there. This is until the path I’m following starts getting easier over time, becomes less complicated as I make it seem, is comfortable and I will no longer needs signs to guide me along the way.

Thank you for stopping by and I hope you have a good week.





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