My original thought about this blog post was going to be another glimpse into my life but I wasn’t sure what to write about.
After the visits we made this week during field training for my new job as an insurance agent that thought was replaced with something more important.
The importance of never giving up hope, faith and belief that things will get better.
That right now, where you are at in life, is temporary.
It does get better with each passing day.
The only thing stopping you from getting to where you want to be is “you”.
All these thoughts from someone who tried to end her life three times in last 3 years. Life has a weird way of making you see your reality and face it whether you are ready or not.
I met some extraordinary women this past week that made me appreciate everything that I have been going through so much more.
All four of these women were divorced and raising children on their own. Each one of them was struggling financially, emotionally and mentally. They were at a point in their lives where they were giving up. They are not ready for change yet. I knew exactly how they felt because I had been there too.
The difference between us was that I let the negative thoughts associated with the depression and anxiety take a hold of me and I struggled to free myself from it. I had let my “self” become bounded by the chains of depression and I finally started breaking from it this past February. It has been a very hard road to walk on. I had to finally start coming to terms with everything that happened over the last few years.
- I’ve finally been able to talk about my marriage without feeling so upset and agonizing over it.
- I’m finally feeling better about the bad relationship that happened after my separation, the effect that person had on my self-esteem and how I felt about him.
- The memories of the men who passed in and out of my life was torturing my thoughts but now those are finally starting to subside.
- I’m becoming happier with just being me. I came to realize that the only thing that can make me happy is myself. Like I’ve written before “I had the power to change my life but never saw it.”
As I sat in the homes of these women listening to their stories of how they got to that place, that moment in time, I saw myself. We all came from similar backgrounds. Growing up poor and from dysfunctional households we did not see our self-worth and it continued with us into adulthood. Listening to the places they had worked through the years was like listening to someone list off the places on my resume. It was a surreal moment for me. I knew exactly how they felt working in the same places, overwhelmed, underpaid and overworked that allowed others to be promoted instead. The frustration of feeling like “what’s the point?”
I realized during these visits how much some women let the things out of their control affect everything they do. Some women see it as a personal failure even though they did nothing wrong. Some women take on this sense of guilt when they shouldn’t. Some women allow blame to be placed on them when they should be defending themselves.
As I sat there listening to their stories all that I could think of was “Don’t stop, it will get better.” They believed that where they were at in life was all that they could expect from that point forward.
Those extraordinary women are struggling to realize it can change. During our conversation, I looked at them straight in the eye and said “I understand what you are going through, I’ve been there, it will get better, don’t give up hope.” As we were leaving each one of them gave me a hug and told me “Thank you.”
It was such a heartwarming shared moment between strangers who are connected sisters of the same soul.
Despite everything that I’ve been through in life, I never gave up the belief that it would get better. The one thing I have to learn is patience, not only with others but with myself too.
Growing up with this vision in my head that all I ever would be was a wife and mother, that it was what was expected of me but I wanted to accomplish some things first before I settled down into that role.
I wanted to join the military and travel the world. I got to visit some places but not exactly where I wanted to go but I am still happy that I did what I set out to do.
I wanted to have many children. I came home and began my little family as a single mother. It wasn’t exactly how I wanted to start a family but I managed. It was tough and there were a lot of tears along the way.
I then met someone I wanted to spend my life with. It didn’t exactly end the way I hoped but focusing on the regrets won’t fix the past that cannot be changed. I’m learning to let it go.
I wanted to get a college degree so I could have better job prospects. It’s been over 18 years since I started this path that has been stalled and started too many times to count. I’m almost done and look forward to the challenge of completing it.
So this job of talking to people about the inevitable; death has made me more aware that so many people out there are just existing in their lives and not living it to their fullest potential. It made me realize how lucky I am. I didn’t let the negativity of life completely take over.
That tiny bit of hope hung in there waiting until the day it could come back stronger than ever.
All it requires is motivation and willingness to make changes in my life.
So one day I will come full circle again and the only thing you will see is the brightness of the light that has been dimmed for too long.
Thank you for stopping by and have a good week.
Suzanne
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