Motivated by Fear – Finding courage

June 28th, 2017

A few years ago I started this blog as a way to share my passion for cake decorating and sugar art with the desire to not only learn new techniques but to pass that information on to others.

As time progressed this blog became something more, it became a sounding board and safe place to express what was occurring within my own world at that time.

A way to have my voice heard even if no one was there to listen. The thoughts could be released out into the universe and not stagnate in my mind.

The number of views on the site has steadily grown and during this timeframe growth has also occurred within my own self.

Now facing a new direction, a new path ahead I realized that was has driven me the most was fear.

We all have them and most never face them.  Most stay complacent where they are and never face the truth of their existence.  They have not reached the pivot point telling them it is time to change directions or some just ignore it.

I reached that point on November 15, 2013 and it has not been the same since. There were times that I wanted to go back to what I thought was a safer and easier alternative than where I was going.  It wasn’t true.

The truth was that I lived in fear my whole life.

Outwardly it did not show but inside my mind and heart that was all that I knew.

I was struggling, drowning and gasping for air.

Then one day everything came in a flood of emotion and it became this thing that propelled me forward.

I suddenly was awake with raw emotions and hurting.

I knew that the only way I would survive was to face my fears.

I feared being alone.

This was ironic to me when that realization came forward because inside my mind and heart I had always felt alone no matter who I was with or where I was at.

The depression and anxiety kept it that way most of my life.

Logically though I wasn’t alone, I had the fragmented marriage that I was desperately trying to hold onto because I didn’t want to face the failure.

I’ve written before how I don’t like to lose and that was what was occurring.  I was losing and not winning.  I hated it.

So instead of facing it I was trying to keep it together, trying to hold on to all the pieces like a jig saw puzzle knowing full well that it would never be whole again.

So I had to let go.  It was the best decision I ever made.  I know the other person was hurting too but you can only save yourself.

I feared being loved.

This by far has been the hardest thing to face because of my history with relationships whether it related to family, friends or boyfriends.

The pain inflicted by others have left internal scars but now they are finally healing.

There are things that can never be changed, words spoken that can never be taken back and actions that can never be undone.  I know this now and letting go of those thoughts associated with it through counseling have and are the roughest moments I face.

Through the anguish and tears I finally accepted that I was worthy of being loved by another.

My self-esteem and self-worth were unknowingly boosted by another person which got the momentum going and now I have to keep it moving forward.

So allowing myself to be vulnerable and open to another is still a struggle but it is slowly getting there.  There is no hurry and I know if someone is meant to be in my life then they will be.

I had the power to my own happiness in my hands the whole time and finally now can see that.

Actually voicing what I want from another person without having those ingrained doubts automatically coming out has been the most freeing.

Remembering that all the love I have to give to another has to be reciprocated otherwise it is not going anywhere and it has to be let go.

I feared being happy.

The irony in this is the fact that I didn’t realize that I actually can control this.  It has always been a state of mind.

I was so wrapped up in “things” that I thought were supposed to make me happy that I didn’t see it clearly.

I thought others were the basis of my happiness but in reality I build that foundation through my own actions and no one else can do it for me.

So deciding what makes me happy, getting rid of the negativity and finding the positive people I want to surround myself with has been an ongoing mission for the last year.

I’ve met some great people and they’ve opened my eyes to new possibilities.

This has been the most freeing actions of all and I look forward to waking up every day with a renewed sense of self.

The days seem so much brighter no matter what is going on.

I control how I view it, the actions I take and where it will all end up.

I feared time.

This was one of the most complicated things that got all wrapped up and twisted in my thoughts.  I was constantly looking back at the moments in my life that could not be changed.  Hoping and wishing for a different outcome yet not facing the fact that it can never be changed.

No matter how much self-doubt that was there once the action is done, it’s done.

No one can go back in time and “fix” everything they did wrong.

Those are the moments you reflect on, learn from and move forward.

I knew this but couldn’t let it go.  It was partly because of the depression and anxiety but the other part was my own personality, that stubborn, competitive side that didn’t like to lose.

I’ve had to learn to be humbled by the experiences which wasn’t and isn’t easy.

I’ve also had to learn how to be patient with not only the situation but with myself.

Finding meditation and yoga has helped tremendously with refocusing my thoughts.  It has become a better way of working through these nagging doubts and move on from them.

These don’t come up as often unless I’m feeling really stressed but stepping back, looking at the situation from a different angle and practicing what I have learned has helped to work through it until that wave of doubt subsides.

I feared being successful.

Every motivational speech, video, writing, or meme I’ve ever seen or heard during the last 3 years all gave the same message, “You have to know what you fear, face it and overcome it in order to succeed”.

I did not realize that fear of success was becoming my biggest obstacle and I had the power to change it all along.

The personal career success had always seemed out of reach and I thought I would never get there.

My own fragmented thinking only allowed me to see that and the thoughts that where I was, at that moment, as it pertained to job potential would not get better.

I didn’t realize that until the beginning of this year through counseling that it wasn’t true and once I did things have been so much calmer in my thoughts.

I took stock of my strengths and weakness then began working to improve them.

This has enabled me to pursue a job position with the greatest potential for success and achievement.

The financial issues that I have been dragging around for years because I had become stuck in this rut may now finally be settled and building toward my goals may now finally have a chance to begin.

I feared not being accepted.

In my youth I was basically a loner and had very little friends but also knew that I enjoyed being who I was and didn’t care what other people thought of me.

This was the same attitude all the way into my early twenties then I became a mother.  That sense of self changed.  I had another human being depending on me.  This person would grow up emulating what they saw in me so I changed to become this “ideal” mother.

I was loving but stern believing in both discipline and reward.  I imparted the belief in education and stressed its importance.  I became that “mom” the one who volunteered at school functions, sports and the PTA.

Outwardly to those that saw me I became this kind of Super Woman that could multi-task well but underneath I was struggling with my own self.  I felt like I was bound to being this mom that everyone knew and I really didn’t like it.

So my own sense of identity was wrapped up into these different roles I took on, wife, mother, daughter, sister, soldier, student and teacher.  Yet the true self I knew was patiently waiting to be able to show herself again. This true self became weighted down by the stress, anxiety plus depression and was almost lost.

Then she started showing back up again after that day in November.  People that thought they knew her didn’t like it because she is independent, doesn’t take crap from anyone and will be in your face if needed.

Those negative and toxic relationships no longer exist because she finally had enough.

She stands her ground, is serious to a fault and tells the truth.

Some have called her a bully or a bitch and if that is how they feel then so be it because she doesn’t have time to wallow with you in your own self-pity, she has had plenty of that on her own.

She finally feels strong enough to continue on what she started and finally meet the goals and objectives ahead.

She doesn’t care if you like it or not because she will either go over you or through you but prefers if you just step aside and let her be, it’s your choice.

She will always be this kind-hearted gentle soul that wants to live life and cares about everyone.

She wants to laugh, play hard and love even harder if you let her but once again the choice is up to you.

You either want her in your life or you don’t.

She can take it or leave because she knows life is too short to keep making the same mistakes over and over again. All she needs is people who will stand by and care about her no matter what is going on.

So after everything that I have been through the last 3 years, I’m still here, still moving forward and still trying to attain the goals I set for myself.

I haven’t given up hope in continuing to try.

I haven’t lost that belief that there is good in people, sometimes they just need to be shown the way.

I haven’t lost faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to be and I accept that.

I finally started facing my fears and found the courage to keep moving on.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Have a great week!

Suzanne