Non Cake Related, Random Musings, Uncategorized

Panic – Early morning thoughts

August 7th, 2017

I woke up this morning feeling panicked.  I didn’t know what time it was, I had forgotten to reset my clock so it was just flashing 12:00.  My phone is not working properly so it wasn’t charging overnight and was dead.  After finally rigging it up with rubber bands to hold it in place it started barely charging again.  It was just a little after 5 am.

What was the thoughts this time?  This has been becoming a recurring theme the last couple of weeks of waking up in a panicked state.  I’m not sure why.  I didn’t get a chance to talk with my therapist about it last week because our appointment was cancelled.

Then the thoughts started, the same things that constantly run through my mind and have been there for what seems like forever.  The feeling of loneliness and regret inevitably comes up as well.

The only other human contact I’ve had over the last few years has not gone well and left me feeling empty inside.  Emptier than usual.

As weird as it is, I miss talking to this latest online person.  Even though it wasn’t a real relationship and he was just trying to scam me for money, it was the human interaction that became important.  Talking to someone outside my immediate circle of influence.

I live with my two youngest children and have regular contact with the older two but that isn’t the same as talking to someone else.  Someone who doesn’t see or interacts with you ever day sets a different tone for the conversations.

Since this part of my life has been lacking, I turned to social media as a way of feeling somewhat part of things going on.  My children believe that I spend too much time on my phone but I remind them that I don’t have anyone else in my life to hang out or speak with, so what am I suppose to do?  They never have an answer to my question.

So when they are around, I try to go and sit in the same place as them just to be near other human beings but usually they get annoyed with me and move to another room.  It feels even lonelier when you perceive rejection by your own family.   I recognize the fact that they are still kids though and I really shouldn’t be seeking any sort of friendship or companionship from them I am, after all, their parent.  There should be boundaries there.

So it is becoming a no-win situation here; they want me to find someone but disapprove of everything I do or think yet when I try to just be around them they don’t want their “mom” there.  They only want to interact with me when it’s convenient for them no matter what I’m doing at the time.  This usually ends up with them asking for something. It’s a disappointing feeling when you think people are only nice or to talk to you when they want something even if they are my children.

There’s no buffer there anymore.  The buffer used to be their father.  He would be that in-between person who they would talk to about things that they didn’t want to speak with me about.  In their mind it would be something that would not make me happy or they perceived that I would be angry about it.  The anger I would always portray was related to the depression that they did not know about.  Now there is no buffer and they have to deal with me directly.

The other issue is the fact that they now have to see me in this current depressed and anxiety fueled state, something they never saw before.  They don’t know how to react or how to feel about it.  They no longer trust me or my judgement and question everything I do, think or feel.  If they aren’t judging it then it normally starts a disagreement.

Anymore I just don’t even want to discuss how I feel.  There’s no point.  I just can’t seem to make anyone happy with me no matter what I do.  I know this is the depression and anxiety side playing into these thoughts so I try to work through them the best I can.

I am a point in my life where what I say or do really isn’t up to debate or discussion.  I’m 46 and that’s old enough to make decisions about where I want my life to go and who I want to be in it.  It really isn’t up to my family at all and I just don’t understand why they don’t see that.

So I will continue on doing what I’m doing.

Looking for things that make me feel better about myself and make me happy.

Seeking out information to help me grow, physically, mentally and spiritually.

Finding new ways to deal with the loneliness, depression and anxiety.

Creating things that others will enjoy.

Becoming the person that I was meant to be.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a great week ahead!