August 27, 2017
It was another day of waking up and feeling overwhelming loneliness as I laid there in the darkness of the morning dawn. It has been happening quite often over the last 6 months or so.
As I laid there and the inevitable self-doubt started creeping into my thoughts I suddenly smelled cigarette smoke. That has happened quite often over the last year after my ex-husband passed away; he was a heavy smoker.
I spoke with my therapist about it and she believes it is related to the trauma that I’m still working through. My mind is reliving moments and causing these hallucinations or phantom events. It makes sense because the other issue is dealing with the trauma and abuse inflicted by mother and her husband; she was a smoker as well.
The more I laid there the less I wanted to do. I had gotten up and dressed only to lie back under the covers again feeling tired. I knew it was the depression rearing its ugly head but I wasn’t going to let it affect me this time. So I got up, fixed the bed and changed clothes.
The thoughts of the men and relationships that filtered in and out of my life were in the forefront of my thoughts, the sadness and loneliness were increasing. This normally would turn into an anxiety episode that would spiral out of control, if I dwelled too long, causing me to sink deeper into the depression. I just couldn’t let that happen.
I took a selfie and posted it on Instagram noting how I was feeling. As I sat there looking at my face all I could see were the lines drawn by the past sadness that I had experienced. Instead of crying and making the feeling worse; I got angry.
I was angry because the past is just that; the past. It has already happened, been done and over with so long ago. I knew the men who caused some of the pain didn’t lie awake in their beds thinking about me, so why was I wasting so much energy on them? Why couldn’t I just move on?
It was because of habit. A habit built over 28 years of relationships, hurt, mistrust and trauma that I never faced until now. The relationships were never healthy for me or them. I know this, yet I kept dragging around this weight all these years, romanticizing the past and blaming myself.
I need to stop.
I need to remember what really happened and why the relationships ended. I need to remember that my life is worth more than the way I was treated. I need to remember what loves purpose really is.
Love doesn’t make you doubt yourself.
Love doesn’t make you feel alone; crying in the dark.
Love isn’t cruel words or dishonest intentions.
Love isn’t about ownership, possession or feigning jealousy over another.
Love is not used to control another.
Love is just a word to describe the emotional attachment we have to each other. Without purposeful action and honest commitment, it has no value. The only true value of love is what we as a human being place on it. It means something different to each individual that experiences it.
Love is something that brings two souls together and this couple is stronger because of it. That is something that not everyone will experience and in my thinking the reasons are simple.
A couple, in love with each other, is more capable and stronger as a team than they are as individuals. They need this and each other in order to get to where they are supposed to be in life.
Some singles or those of us with no significant other, myself included, tend to be stronger on our own. We don’t necessarily need someone there with us in order to accomplish what we want. We occasionally have individuals that flutter in and out of our life as a reminder to love. That it is still important to have that experience, to know what it feels like and to give it in return.
So this bad habit of dwelling on the past and reliving those moments has to be incorporated in a different way into my thinking.
The saying that “People come into your life for two purposes either as a blessing or a lesson” is true but to a person with depression everything becomes so overwhelming it’s hard to distinguish between them and the lines get blurred. This becomes a part of the mixed up thinking process.
This much I have learned and have to remember every time I go through this feeling of dejection and loneliness. When the emotions are so raw that the anxiety of dealing with those feelings seems unbearable.
I know this and it is getting easier every day as I long as I remember that.
I have to remember that learning to love another begins with myself.
I have to love who I am, the things that I do and my purpose in life.
I have to love the way I think, the way I look and the way I feel.
I will never experience true love with another until this happens if that is truly a part of my purpose in life. We never know if that will happen or not. We can be prepared either way.
So the anxiety of feeling alone and thinking that it will always be that way has to still be worked through every day that I wake up. It’s not easy and the thoughts are not clear sometimes but I’m still here.
I’m still me.
I still have a purpose to find in life.
I still have my four wonderful reasons for living; my children.
I’m still capable of finding and being in love if I choose to plus when I’m ready.
The only uncertainty is time.
So as I go through every day and face the things I face with each step I will remember love’s purpose.
Loves purpose is to help us grow. Mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Love builds you up and helps you reach your full potential.
Love connects our souls together so we are all one.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
Have a wonderful week ahead!
Suzanne
love to bake 