Non Cake Related, Random Musings, Uncategorized

Alone – I’m no longer afraid of that word. Random Musings

9 Sep 17

Alone by Suzanne Allen

My heart was broken.
I was in a million pieces.
Pain replaced promises spoken.

My mind’s thoughts turned to negativity.
I didn’t think it would ever end.
Hurt was there but lessened eventually.

My physical-self faced depression’s wrath.
I couldn’t control the anxiety.
Emotional eating became the path.

My soul held on to the light that was love.
I face it with fear.
Guidance, I sought from universe above.

My outlook is still unknown.
I struggle sometimes daily.
Despite this, I’m not afraid to be alone.

I wrote this today after yet another incident with an online person not being truthful about who they were or their intentions.  The first thought was “What’s wrong with me and why do I keep attracting these people to me?”  It was that same negative thinking that always occurred after any relationship failure. It is a bad habit that I’ve been trying to get rid of through the counseling.

Through the counseling and lots of meditation on my own, I finally realized, that there is nothing wrong with me.  I actually like who I am despite that anxiety and depression riddled moment that sometimes happens. 

I like the things I’ve accomplished in my life.  

  • I’m proud of my service to my country, the accolades, medals, and achievements that I received during my twenty years.  There aren’t many people out there that could do the same.
  • I may not be fully aware of all aspects of my ancestry but still think it’s awesome that I’m a Native American woman despite the seemingly never-ending turmoil we are in.  
  • I love the fact that I gave birth to these four fabulous people and raised them to be independent, go-getting thinkers who may change the world one day.  
  • I will be the first person in my family to have a college degree.  This does not include my children but instead, I speak of my parents and sisters.  I don’t speak to them anymore but knowing that I will accomplish something they never attempted makes me feel stronger in spite of them.

I may not be this great beauty but there are beautiful things about me.

  • I’m learning to love what I look like and be comfortable in my own skin.  This was one of the biggest obstacles that I’ve had to face most of my life.  Instead of focusing on the negative thoughts I turned to changing how I looked and felt instead through diet and exercise.  Finding the motivation to keep it going is my current obstacle.
  • I am the most caring and empathetic person you will ever know.  This makes me a great friend to those that I meet.  I not only will be loyal to our friendship but will defend you if you need me to.  Unfortunately, that is the part of my character that gets used the most often.  I know this and with that same breath, I will let you know that I can only be pushed so far before I just walk away.  I will always give the person a chance to explain their position and make amends but if you are not honest with me or lack integrity then there is no point.  
  • I am the most loving person you will ever know.   I enjoy making the people in my life happy, it makes me happy in return.  I want the people who come into my life to feel nothing but warmth and happiness from knowing me.   
  • I like my sense of humor even if it is dry and thoroughly enjoy being around other people who know how to balance being silly with adult behavior.  It makes life fun.
  • If I care about someone, I care about them with my whole heart.  I make sure they feel loved and would never intentionally hurt them even if they hurt me. I just can’t be that person who wants to get back at that person or get revenge.  As many times as I have been hurt, hurting in return is just not in me. 
  • I am a die-hard romantic and want the whole fairy tale.  I believe that a person’s soul is what guides us to that other perfect soul.  I don’t necessarily believe in love at first sight but know that there has to be some sort of attraction there otherwise it will not work.  

I am a person capable of achieving great things.

  • I have always had high expectations for myself.  Once I set my mind to a goal and planned it out there usually no stopping me.
  • I believe education is important but I know it is not for everybody.  There have been very successful people who never completed a degree. There are different ways to be educated.  A person should never stop learning.
  • I want to save the world.  I know this is a very unrealistic expectation but every concerted effort no matter how small can have an impact. 
  • I have this creativity waiting to come out into the world.  I have been fortunate enough that the life I’ve lived so far that has given me opportunities to expand the skills and talent that I have, so one day I can share it with the world.

These are the things that people see when they meet me in person or online.  These are the qualities that I try to convey.  

This issue is the people who I meet are not always going to be good people.  So I have to wade through it in any way I can and hope for the best. 

What I finally realized is all things about me that I use to shy away from or feel embarrassed about is who I am.  All of this makes up me.  I have nothing to be ashamed of and have to see everything in a positive light even on my worst days. 

I have to expand on what I know and continue to grow each and every day.  I have to appreciate the time that I have been given. 

If I’m lucky one day to have that special someone in my life then it will only add to what I will have already built for myself.  I am happy with somebody but can be just as happy alone because that aspect of life does not define who I truly am.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a great week!