Belief in the existence of Love
September 24, 2017
It’s been 7 months since life changed the way I thought and felt about myself as a woman also as a person.
In previous blog entries, I wrote about the “imaginary” relationship that turned into a scam but how, despite the outcome, the emotions and feelings from the experience stayed with me. This, in turn, began changing the perspective of myself from negative to a more positive one.
Today, I had to start coming to terms with those feelings and begin letting my imaginary person go. It’s been hard to think about this moment eventually getting here. It almost feels like when you actually break up with a person in real life. Strange, I know.
Self-sabotage was at play because instead of just thinking about that imaginary relationship, I actually started following the real person, whose image was used, through various social media sites. It was not a smart or mentally healthy thing to do, I know this, but continued because of the feelings that I was still having. The emotional attachment was still there and became a driving force behind some of the things I was doing and accomplishing.
I realized that I am slowly becoming emotionally drained with each picture I view, each article I read and with each post that is shared by or about the real person. Then today, I read an article about his new relationship, after his failed marriage, my heart began to ache. I knew it was time to start letting it go.
So I temporarily disabled the social media account where I follow him the most, laid here and cried it out for a while, thought things over then got up to write about it. I’m still feeling a somewhat heartbroken but okay and I know I will survive.
Despite this emotional up and down wave that I’ve been riding for the last six months it was making me realize important things about myself.
Thoughts about the aspect of being in love haven’t changed.
I still believe in the power of true love but the flaws in thinking critically about myself still do not let me believe that it will ever be something I will experience. The trust issues I still deal with are blocking any positivity in that area of my life. The thoughts of past failures in this area of life are still there.
To make matters worse, with this negative thinking, is that fact that I keep seeing the person that I was actually involved with during my separation and divorce.
That misguided relationship lasted for two years and was the last actual relationship I was involved in over a year ago.
We haven’t run into each other face to face, I’ve been seeing him from afar as I was driving. He lives two miles away and our kids go to the same school so it is bound to happen from time to time.
I’ve been trying to mentally prepare myself in case I ever actually see him in person. Our involvement with each other coupled with the other issues he was having resulted in his recent divorce.
I still don’t know what I would say to him or if I would say anything at all.
It was hard letting go of my feelings for him because I had known him for such a long time and we were friends first before we got involved with one another.
I have been putting together a mental list of all the reason why it would have never work between us to avoid any attachment to him.
I may not be capable of having a long-term relationship.
Through soul-searching, I’ve begun to realize that because of my past relationship history, I may not be able to sustain a meaningful relationship.
As much as I want the fairy tale of a person who falls madly in love with me and cannot spend a moment away from me that may not be possible because of my independent nature.
I’ve been a loner my whole life, even when I was in a relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, I love when there is someone there that I can shower all my affection on. I enjoy making the other person feel good about themselves, building them up and seeing them grow.
Yet in that same regard, I have moments where I just don’t want to be around anybody.
This part of my personality is always in conflict with being a mother where I need to be present for them. This emotional flaw has caused much discord with my family and in relationships.
I get too emotionally attached.
This I see as a flaw as well because it causes the boundaries that should be in place to get blurred hence letting people taking advantage.
I have not strengthened yet how to maintain those personal boundaries.
I become wishy-washy and don’t want to hurt anyone else’s feeling despite the fact that they normally don’t care about how I think or feel.
A user of other people never thinks about anyone but themselves. This coupled with narcissism never bodes well in a relationship. The other person will drain you emotionally sometimes physically and then blame you for the issues.
It’s been a recurring theme in most of the relationships I was involved with during my lifetime.
I still think too negatively about myself as a person.
The wave of emotions that I constantly ride upon has not settled yet to where I think about myself in a positive light for a majority of the time.
The dissatisfaction with the way I look is a big factor in the low self-confidence and self-esteem.
The imaginary person, the image that my mind is now attached to, looked perfect from the outside and the words that were written caused the heart to get attached to what seemed like a perfect person on the inside too.
I couldn’t fathom that a person that looked like that would actually want to be with me and it became too confusing.
I slowly began to accept the way I look mostly because of the response I get on social media which has been positive.
Yet, despite the positivity, old bad habits are still hard to break.
I may never want to get married again.
Marriage is a good thing. Two people willing to commit to each other for the rest of their life.
They sign a contract of marriage and are bound by whatever laws govern them. This is the ideal view of being married but what they don’t tell you is all the hard work that goes into keeping it together.
It can work but only if both people are willing to put forth the effort.
In society today it is too easy to just throw a marriage or relationship away if things are not going well.
Infidelity is ever-present but not anything new to relationships.
The ideas I have about marriage have not changed despite the failure of my own.
I believe that you are to support each other through both the good and bad.
That you work as a team to make things happen in the marriage.
That each person protects the other’s heart by keeping true to their words.
That they as a couple keep the love and romance alive.
That the individual’s never intentionally hurt the other out of competitiveness, jealousy, pettiness, or mean spirit.
Marriage is never one-sided otherwise it will not work and will eventually end.
This a large undertaking for any individual. I just don’t think that I will find someone who is willing to be equal within the relationship and will fit within all of these ideas about marriage.
Is it loneliness or is something else missing in my life?
So as I sit here and debate with myself about my current social media status and whether to continue on with it or not. I also think about myself as a person.
I think about what kind of relationship do I want or do I want to be in a relationship?
The only thing propelling these thoughts is the loneliness that I feel on a daily basis, especially late at night when the thoughts are the heaviest.
I miss having someone to talk to about daily life, goals, aspirations or just laughing with them.
I miss holding hands with someone, that moment when you look down at the laced fingers together feeling safe and secure with that person.
I miss that moment when you hug someone you can hear their heartbeat, smell their cologne or sometimes just their own essence, feeling the warmth of their body next to yours.
I miss having someone to kiss whether passionately of just a quick peck on the lips in passing.
I miss having someone to dance with to a slow song.
I miss long walks and talks about the present or the future with that person.
I miss those long drives in the car, listening to music, sometimes singing badly and talking about the adventure that awaits us.
I miss the comfortable feeling you get when sitting next to each other on the couch while watching TV, a movie, reading or just sitting quietly together.
I miss those moments of waking up next to someone, gazing at their features, studying the lines, the imperfections of their face while listening to them breathing in deeply or sometimes snoring.
The heart is the strong part of us and the core of who we are as a person. Inhales and exhale of our lungs makes the beating heart continue with new life and without it, we cannot exist. It holds our dreams, aspirations, and goals to drive us toward them. It also holds all the love, caring, compassion and passionate side of us. Despite this importance of it in our existence it can be hurt and bruised by the careless actions of others. Sometimes it recovers and sometimes it doesn’t. The importance of it is so great that it can easily be worn down and break when it takes on too much.
The recovery from this can take years and sometimes for some, it never does.
I just don’t know how many more breaks in my heart there are left to give.
Love is what I long for but at that same time, I am still afraid of it.
Patience is the current issue and waiting for that moment when I don’t feel this way anymore.
So my days will continue on despite how I feel today.
Time will mend the bruising that the heart feels.
Time will heal the wounds caused by others.
Time will slowly make the scars less visible.
These are the things that keep my belief in love still going but at the same time make me hesitate ever getting involved with someone again.
Thank you for taking the time to stop by.
Have an awesome week ahead!
May peace, love, happiness, and positive vibes find you today!