October 12, 2017
“…long, boring marriage…” those words shouting at me from the computer screen. After the passing of my ex, his email account was accessed to get information on his bills and other things to be taken care of. That is where I found these words. It has been popping up in my thoughts lately as the date approaches of what would have been our 20th wedding anniversary.
It was at that moment, reading what was on the computer screen when I realized that I had been lied to for such a long time it was unfathomable to me how I missed it.
The intimate messages, planned meeting times and discussions about his married life with me were all there and going back for more than 10 years with many numerous women he met both online and at his workplace.
The whole thing broke me down as I angrily punched the wall with hatred for him. I screamed then I cried because it was too much. The betrayal was right there in my face and there was nothing I could do about it except try to let it go. It took months to get over the hurt and for the anger to begin fading away.
Fast forward over a year later and I look back at it now realizing that his infidelity was his own loss in life and not mine. He stripped away from his life the best thing that could have happened to him; me.
He thought that I was boring because I didn’t want to do drugs with him and he thought our sex life was boring. He wasn’t the only one that felt that way. I wanted someone who would go out drinking, dancing and finding new experiences with me then explore the fantasies that I daydreamed about during the day as a stay at home mom. He never even gave me a chance to show him how I wanted to be with him instead he pushed me aside and left me alone for a majority of our marriage.
Instead, the marriage became this thing that barely existed. No more intimacy, no more conversations, and no more time together. It was such a lonely time. It was then I turned to others for comfort. Men I worked with and trusted. Not my finest moments in life but a necessary one to keep my sanity intact.
Being this blatantly honest person the guilt got to me and I confessed my sins to him. He, in turn, used it against me every chance he could and I never knew that he was also using it to cover up his own transgressions.
We were so close to the end of our kids’ childhood days transitioning over to young adults. We could have had the world at our feet and begun exploring it together but he began stepping away long before I decided that enough was enough and I finally let it go.
Today, I am 46 years old and still trying to be comfortable with myself and intimacy with others. The trust is still not there. I’m not really sure when it will be and have to remain patient until I meet someone who can bring that back out of me. Currently, only meeting people online, is not very advantageous to opening up this side of me and is somewhat one-sided.
So as I continue on moving toward my personal goals and discovering new passions in life, I will go forward with the knowledge that the rest of my life is up to me. That I can make my life the way I want it and there is no person there to stop me. That there are people out there to fill my days with love, joy, passion, laughter, adventure, friendship and companionship they are just still waiting to meet me.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
Have a wonderful week ahead!
May positive thoughts, peace, love, and happiness find you always!