Yearning to be free – Fear or No Fear?

I recently watched the movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” and I really enjoyed this movie.  It made me ponder a few thoughts about myself.  This picture is a quote from the movie and the words have stuck with me.  

I have never considered myself a free spirit or a wild person that was until I actually looked up what the definition was of both.  A free spirit is defined as “an independent or uninhibited person” and wild “indicative of strong passion, desire, or emotion…deviating from the intended or expected course”  This was not how I actually perceived a free spirit or wild person to be.  I always perceived these terms as a person with no thought of morality or sense of doing the right thing.  Apparently, those perceptions were based on something else. 

These are the same words that others have used to describe me mainly when the relationship or friendship was on the verge of ending.  The way I think or behave within the bounds of the relationship have always been tested by me to the point the other person had to walk away.  “You are too intense…you expect too much…you are not realistic… I thought you were different…you deserve better.” The same phrases over and over again. 

I’ve always known that I become too much for the other people and most believe they cannot keep up with me.  The only problem with that is not once, did they ever stop me and say “Hey, this is moving too fast.”  They gladly went along with everything until they realized that I keep moving forward and wanting to keep growing and progressing. That standing still for too long in one place is just not me. That’s not what they wanted.  They were happy being in one spot, comfortable and content once they found it. 

That has never been my way of thinking even as a child.  It is most likely from my childhood experiences and learning to keep moving to avoid danger.  This was mostly caused by the actions of others.  This grew into being aggressive and competitive. 

This state of being aggressive and competitive is being perceived by others as confidence in myself but if they only knew that I am emotionally a mess or at least that’s what I think of myself.  I have always been a person who set goals that I wanted to achieve within 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, etc. but most people I’ve met do not think that far ahead and are happy moving at a comfortable pace satisfied with the knowledge that they will either reach those goals or not.  

I want to achieve what I set out to do and I’m not happy if I don’t.  This is partly due to the depression and anxiety but also because of wanting to experience everything that I possibly can before I die.  I realized early in life that we only have a limited amount of time and we don’t know when it will be over.  I didn’t want to waste any time.  I’ve always felt like there was a purpose in my life that hasn’t been fulfilled.  The only problem is I don’t know what that purpose is yet.  It’s always been rather frustrating.  Couple the frustration with the depression and anxiety making life sometimes unbearable. 

So I have actually put myself in this perceived “cage” that I blamed on others in my life for creating and it wasn’t until recently that the realization that I have my life in my own hands, there is no cage.  

I can be as free as I want, think the way I want and behave how I want, well within in reason,  I can’t be a law-breaker, that’s not me either. I push boundaries just enough to make them interesting but never break them.  So I am still somewhat cautious to preserve myself and others that I care about. 

Right now in my life, I decided to pursue the things that have always made me feel inhibited.  I’ve never been confident in approaching men that I was attracted to because of the self-confidence issues related to a non-positive body image.  So I’ve tried talking to people online in the hopes that it will aid me in feeling more confident in myself.  I’ve been getting slight ego boosts from the interactions.  The only issue is at some point I will have to actually approach someone in real life.  I’m not quite there yet but I know this part of my life is going to be a slow process because of years of feeling bad about myself will not dissipate overnight.  So learning patience is what I have to work on the most. 

So here is this 40 something, divorced, mom to four kids learning how to live life without fear.  Fear of failure.  Fear of being alone.  Fear of success.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of myself and the way I think.  It can be overwhelming at times. 

The only regret I have is that I didn’t realize this sooner in my life.  There could have been so many changes that could have been made.  I just don’t know where my life would have been right now but also know that things happen for a reason in our lives.  We don’t know why and we can’t control it but can control our reactions to the situations at hand either positively or negatively. 

I am now finally moving toward the light path of positivity away from the dark road of negativity.  

It’s taken me a while to get here and I’m starting to enjoy the view. 

Thank you for stopping by. 

Have a great week ahead!

May your days be filled with peace, love, happiness, joy, laughter and positive vibes always. 

Suzanne