It is November 15, 2017. Another new year is about to occur and the thoughts turn once again to past issues.
This time it isn’t reliving the past moments and agonizing over what could have been, instead, it has become what was learned from that experience?
The biggest issue faced by this mom of four kids who happens to suffer from bouts depression and anxiety is trust.
The realization of what I want in my life, who I want in my life and how I should be living my life has been at the forefront for a few months now.
The one thing that I will no longer overlook or turned a blind eye to is trust, integrity, and honesty.
Analyzing past relationships, friendships and a marriage made me realize how often I overlooked these basic characteristics and why I did so.
It was because of the lack of self-esteem; I wanted to be liked by the other person or even loved by them so much I overlooked this missing vital character trait.
The relationships had this major issue and it eventually led to the ending of them.
If the other person was not capable of verbalizing and communicating what they were feeling or thinking it became a trust issue. Then if that trust issue progressed it would eventually lead to lying about other things so the integrity and honesty went out the window.
Once any of these traits are abused, manipulated or not followed any chance of the relationship growing will forever be stunted. If a relationship or friendship has no chance of growing then what’s the point? Why even bother continuing to pursue it?
As I sit here and write about these feelings, I am no longer anxiety filled with the thought of not having someone in my life, like I was so often before. Why and what changed?
It has taken me a long time to realize and find my own self-worth again. I began feeling better about who I am, what I believe in and that I deserve more than what I always settled for. I can no longer be this doormat for whoever thinks they have a right to step on it.
So now, I face the possibility of finding someone who fits this ideal image for me. A person who is honest, trustworthy and has integrity. A person who is driven, purposeful and doesn’t stop learning or growing. A person who not only can be strong, determined and strong-willed but also compassionate and caring as well. A person who sees the value I bring to the relationship and understands that we equally share in the responsibility of making it grow and it is not one-sided.
I also realized during these moments of self-introspection and thoughtful reflection that I am not looking for a temporary relationship. I am not looking for someone to date or just hang out with but I still want someone to be there for the rest of my life.
As I look at these words that I have written, it makes me feel satisfied to know that this is what I want and I am worth it.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a great week!
May peace, love, and happiness always find you!
Suzanne
love to bake 