I have been in a down mood going on for almost a week now. At first, I just assumed it was because of the holidays. I have a tendency to get moody at this time of year. Missing my grandparents. The depression makes everything seem stressful even happiness.
So I’ve taken the steps that I learned in my counseling to regain focus and try to keep the motivation going. To keep the thoughts positive. I haven’t been very successful.
Several factors have been in play that I keep putting to the side and just haven’t faced them.
Thoughts on a relationship.
The interaction with online people has not been going well.
The first one, we were actually communicating by phone and messaging. He pretended to be a military member in Afghanistan but I realized after the first couple of chats he wasn’t who he said he was. After I finally found out who the pictures actually belonged to, I contacted the real military person and let them take care of that one.
The second person, we were messaging back and forth daily for almost a week. It was nice having an actual conversation about things but it ended the day he bashed my own faith, beliefs and my children. I was just getting past the sadness that occurred because of it when another person started talking to me online.
This last one seemed nice, said complimentary things, sent me poetry, songs and appeared to be sincere. This ended after a few days when I realized the pictures he posted were not his, just another scam in progress. So once again I contacted the real person and let them take care of that too.
In between all of these encounters, there were other people trying to engage me in conversation but once I checked their pictures and found out they weren’t real, then having to block them, the last few weeks have become rather disheartening.
These interactions have cluttered my mind with a lot of self-doubts.
Dredging up the old hurt from the past. The thoughts of the treatment between me and my ex-husband. The pain that relationship caused and the slow death of the marriage over seven years before I finally ended it.
I was in mourning over it for two years, it shattered my confidence and killed my ego.
I was in so much emotional pain that I lost hope. It’s taken another year after he passed away to get back to where I was, slowly putting my confidence back together, taking back control over my emotions and rebuilding my ego.
The last couple of days have been spent just sitting and reflecting on what do I really want?
I tell my own children that they have plenty of time for relationships and to focus on their own goals first. That’s fine advice to someone younger but what do I tell the 46-year-old self?
I’ve been alone going on 4 years now as of November 15th. In 2013 that was when I decided to end my marriage, it was finally time to put it out of its misery. I didn’t think being alone and not married would have such a profound effect on who I am.
I kept myself so busy all those years being super mom, wife, daughter, and soldier to avoid facing the depression and anxiety, so when those roles in my life ended, the constant emotional state came out at full force. Recovery has been such a slow process and I have no patience.
My belief that being in another relationship will make it better is not realistic.
The starving for affection has clouded my judgment and making real connections with others not possible.
I keep pushing aside the important character traits that I’m seeking; honesty, integrity, and open communication.
The personality traits have to be there also; educated, well-spoken, well-read, well-written, highly motivated, successful, physically appealing, and in good health.
It doesn’t matter how they have been educated, traditional formal education or self-educated.
I do not want to get involved with another smoker ever again. Social drinker is okay but no more than that.
Whether they are religious or spiritual is not as important as accepting others for who they are, someone who is open-minded.
Also, a big factor that has me concerned is the other person having children as well.
I never really thought about it and realized that I’m not sure if I want to be involved with someone who has children, especially younger children.
I am almost to the end of being “mom” and the nest will soon be empty.
I just don’t think to become a step-parent to someone else’s kid is what I really want, they would have to be something pretty special for me to consider it.
That’s the other issue with thinking about a relationship that one of my children asked me. Do I want to be married again?
At first, that’s all I wanted, to be married again.
Now, I’m not really sure.
I want someone in my life but the thought of a second marriage has me hesitant. I don’t want to go through another failed marriage. Divorce is more likely in subsequent marriages and there are so many statistics out there that prove that. Yet, I also know it is how you approach a marriage that is important to the success of it.
The only difference, between previous and now, is I know what I want from the other person in my life and what I want a life with them to be like. No-where in that scenario did I think about an actual commitment to marriage. Once again they really would have to be the “one” for me to consider it again
Goals and Aspirations
First, I haven’t accomplished the goals I set for myself yet and there have been so many obstacles to overcome just trying to complete them.
I am currently still behind in accomplishing my degree. Having to withdraw and enroll again in my core class requirements over and over again is putting me behind. These actions are because of poor study habits, lack of strong basic algebra skills in mathematics and struggling with depression.
Still unemployed and looking for at least a part-time job that will work with my class times. I stopped going to counseling to open up times during the day for availability. Our finances are tight and stressful at this point. I have a few ideas to get income coming in and have to get started on them soon but once again motivation is lacking.
Future business goals have been pushed to the back burner and I’m not sure when I will get around to looking at it again. Working through the emotional and personal issues have to be first otherwise any endeavor I pursue will fail if I can’t focus on it.
Stepping up my skills and gaining more knowledge that will apply to the business has become overwhelming even though I have the time. It is the motivation that has become stagnant and not having well-defined goals is killing the productivity.
The goal of becoming healthier is also still ongoing and I still struggle through the “down” days when I don’t do anything because the depression makes it not only a physical struggle but a mental one as well. Nothing kills health goals faster than the mental block. I know this, I’ve been through this so many times before but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to overcome.
Dreams versus Reality
All of these factors are just a small part of what I face every day.
There are days when I just don’t even want to get out of bed but I force myself to get up, get dressed and get going. Remembering, that it’s not just me being affected, my kids are affected by my actions also. They are relying on me to still be the parent or at the least the grown up in the house.
In those moments of self-doubt and lack of motivation, I think to myself are the things that I want just dreams that will never be realized or can they be a reality someday?
Each day I look at social media posts about positivity, motivation, and self-care to find solace there in those that are making their dream come true. They talk about the struggle they’ve been through and it gives me hope that I can do the same.
So dreams should never be given up on.
Take each day one day at a time.
Work on what you can at that moment.
Don’t waste a single minute of the day that can be devoted to your dream.
The only one that can stop your dream is you.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a great week!
I hope peace, love, happiness and good vibes find you, always!