Non Cake Related, Random Musings, Uncategorized

Another year gone, now what?

It is 4:17 pm here.  A little less than 8 hours away from the start of another new year.

As I sit here looking through the social media posts of those that I follow and who also follow me it makes me wonder if they have ever had moments in their life when things seemed impossible?

By all accounts and according to what they post about their lives it seems like no matter how perfect your life may seem to others there is always some sort of struggle.

Those that become successful at whatever it is they do, had to learn along the way how to manage the struggle and overcome it.  That is the difference.

There was no magic beans or wand that helped achieve the success they sought.  They learned to manage their time, resources and thoughts to climb that hill of achievement to reach whatever they saw as the pinnacle of success.  Most of them are still on that climb.

I used to be the same way. I’ve struggled for the last four years trying to figure out what happened?

I realized this past month that, yes, my circumstances changed dramatically over the last four years. Separation, divorce, job loss, and death.   Yet, it wasn’t the first time that struggle has happened in my life but I always overcame it.  So what was different this time?

I sat there one morning listening to the quiet house.  All my kids are here for the holidays and they were sleeping.  It was in that moment that I began to realize that I changed.

I used to get so stressed out over “things” and acquiring more “things”.  That my life was constant chaos and for some reason, I thrived under that pressure.  I was more focused, determined and forceful because I had to be.

Then one day, I couldn’t do it anymore, so I stopped.  I walked away from everything I knew.  I walked away from the chaotic life I was living into one where the only real struggle is actually just financial.  Life became a different kind of stress.  Now I was facing my own self and how I actually felt underneath all that in “your face” confidence mask that I had been wearing.   That confident exterior was cracked and no longer able to be repaired.

I now have to face who I truly am.  That insecure, lonely girl who wanted nothing but friends. Some days it feels like I did when I was a kid then I bounce back from it and remember what I know I am capable of accomplishing.

I started creating a beautiful life.  I seek a peaceful and quiet existence.  I look for laughter, joy, and love.  The things I was always too afraid to acknowledge that I truly wanted.

I kept these things hidden away because of the belittlement I received from others, namely family, and friends, growing up.  They thought these thoughts and ideas were “dumb”, “stupid” or that I was “weird”.   It was hard to keep those thoughts in and I would keep the artistic side active to accommodate it.

It wasn’t until I started counseling that I now know that those that caused the stress weren’t happy themselves.  They were stuck in their own chaos and would most likely never get out of the vicious cycle they created.  I am so lucky that I walked away from them knowing others out there, stuck in the same situation, never will.

Now as we head into another new year.  A year of possibilities.  I look back one more time at how far I have come and all the things that happened to get me to this point.  All the heartbreak, sadness, tears, anger, and loss.  All the loneliness, mistrust, chaotic thoughts, depression, and anxiety.  I can’t change what happened.  I can’t change how people treated me. I can’t change how I reacted to it.  I can’t fix the wrongs.  All of that is done and over with just like this year that is coming to an end.

So all I can do is look forward, close the door behind me and bravely take that step into the unknown.

A new destiny is on the horizon as the sun sets today and as time ticks by.

Tomorrow is, after all, another new day.

Thank you so much for all of your support, comments, and kindness this past year!

I want to wish you nothing but the best.

Happy New Year!!

May peace, love, happiness and good vibes always find you wherever you may go.