It is March 3rd, 2018.
Yesterday was Friday and sometimes my typical mornings are spent at a local casino using whatever free play that is on my player’s rewards account at the time. A mailer on Thursday saying I had $15 in free play to spend, so I thought why not since I had nothing else planned.
Most people who gamble are betting on winning, sometimes trying to hit that big win but that’s not me. I normally go just to be out among other people. Staying at home most days tends to get kind of lonely. So I will go to just spend time wandering around the casino floor. I don’t ever purposely strike up conversations with people, I mainly go to just observe and be around others.
The reason for this article is to talk about something that happened and I cannot fully explain what I felt. It has been in my thoughts ever since.
First of all some background about what I’m talking about.
Ever since I was a kid, I have had a “sense” about people. Most will call it instinct and may be that’s what it is. I remember being around people and always having a “color” in my mind that I would associate with that person. This wasn’t always there but sometimes it was a strong vibe that I would get.
My grandpa was the best example. I would always have this picture of the color green when I was around him. It made me happy to just to see him. As he and I both got older, the color started changing to more of yellow color in my mind. Then one day, he and my grandmother showed up to our house. It was an unexpected visit but I was happy to see them. The minute he got out of the car, my mind couldn’t see anything, no color was there. I got rather upset. I didn’t tell my mother or them why I was upset because no one ever knew about these feelings I had. He was still the same person, teasing, joking, and filled with laughter but in my heart and mind I knew something changed. They had been up to see a doctor, my grandpa was having some x-rays and other lab work done. The minute they told us that I knew something was wrong but they weren’t saying anything.
A month later, my grandpa went into the hospital to have a lung biopsy done. The x-rays came back with some spots on his lungs and the lab work confirmed something was going on but the biopsy was to give them a better idea. My grandpa had always been a heavy smoker so there was the possibility of lung cancer. It was really hard for his family to hear that. Everyone showed up to the hospital to see him while he was there. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and many other friends of the family came from all over the United States to see him. He was very much-loved. During his recovery after the biopsy he had an aneurysm and passed away. Later the test results from the biopsy had come back, there had been no cancer. I was there the night he passed away.
After we finally went home, I had been crying so much it was hard to go to sleep but I eventually did. I remember the dream I had during that first day.
I was sitting on this fire escape of this old building. I heard someone behind me and it was my grandpa. He came and sat beside me. I started crying in my dream and asked him why he had to go. He just smiled at me and said that he would always be there for me. He told me I had to let him go. Then he told me to be good. He climbed down the fire escape and I watched him start walking away. He stopped, turned around, and waved at me then smiled. I saw him walking up this small hill, disappear over the horizon and the sky became full of different colors.
That’s the first time I’ve ever written about that experience. I was only 15 when he passed. I still miss him but I know he’s still watching over me. Ever since then, everywhere I have lived, morning glories pop up and suddenly grow. Those were his favorite flowers. I like to think that it’s his way of letting me know, he’s still with me.
As I got older, I continued to see or get this sense of “color” from various people. It has been the mainly a subtle vibe that I can feel.
I was sitting at a slot machine in the casino. I had spent at least an hour going machine to machine just trying them out. I went to a bank of machines where there wasn’t very many people. It was a slot machine that I would always play. As I was sitting there a woman came up and sat beside me. I just glanced at her briefly not really paying attention.
The first thing I noticed is the drink she sat down. I thought it was a little early for a glass of wine, it wasn’t even 11 a.m. yet. Then I noticed her feeding a bunch of 20’s into the machine, she was making large bets. I kept on playing my $5, mostly nickel plays.
Then she took a drink of her wine that’s when I glanced at her again for just a moment or two. She had an older face, blonde and was staring blankly at the screen. There was no emotion or reaction in her face.
I quickly turned away because something wasn’t quite right. I was staring at my own screen and started feeling really hazy. The sounds of the casino started sounding muffled. It was like everything was moving in slow motion. I had the sensation of going under water and this heavy darkness was coming over me.
It scared me, so I cashed out, got my ticket, and started walking away. It felt like I was moving through water and every step was really heavy. I made it around the corner to the drink area where I got a cup of soda. I went over to another bank of machines, sat down and slowly sipped my drink. I sat there for about 10 to 15 minutes trying to shake off the weird feeling. It was starting to fade. I got up and went to other side of the casino and went to another machine but couldn’t quite let go of the ominous feeling. So I got up and left.
The only way to describe the feeling is that of darkness. It was such a heavy dark vibe from this person. This incident has caused me to be super alert to everything around me since it happened. I’m 46 years old and that was the first time in my life that I got such a dark feeling from another human being. I don’t know what to think about what happened.
So the past few days I’ve been reflecting on thoughts of my own mortality. I know that I’m not a perfect person and have made serious mistakes with the life I have. The depression and anxiety made me believe that life was not worth living but I was wrong.
Every day I wake up, sometimes feeling down and physically tired before I ever get up but I still get up. I make it a point to tell my children I love them. I find a reason to make each day count in some small way. I look at people differently now and seek out people with positive attitudes about life. I try to find people who know how to bounce back even if things go wrong. I look for the beauty in everyday life. I also appreciate more the life I get to live. Yeah, we are not perfect and we struggle financially sometimes but I know it could be much worse, so I am grateful for what we have.
This incident, whatever it was, has made me appreciate life more. I believe that our soul gives off a vibe to others. It is that automatic feeling we have around certain people. We know who we can trust and who we shouldn’t.
I don’t know if I can still see “colors” in others because my thoughts are still not really clear. The depression and anxiety tend to cloud things. So I don’t really pay attention and just living in the moment right now. That moment around this person made me “wake up”. If the universe was trying to get my attention that definitely did it.
So I go forward now with a different sense of purpose but still wanting to help to others. The only problem is how do I want to help?
So to you the reader, pay attention to the feeling you get from others. The answers, however hard they are to face, are right there. You just have to quiet your thoughts and listen.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
Have a great week!
May peace, love, happiness, and good vibes always find you wherever you go.