It is another late night. Still unable to sleep at a “normal” time. It is almost 1 a.m. and once again I am still wide awake.
I used to start feeling tired about 9:30 in the evening and would be asleep by 11 p.m. It has been over a month since the last time I went to sleep before 2 a.m. with now an average of 3 to 4 hours of sleep each night.
I brought up the sleeping problems during one of my counseling sessions and it is now our main focus at the moment. The psychologist believes that if we can manage the sleeping issues it will help with the depression, anxiety, and other issues.
I will go to sleep late and continue to be awoken several times before getting up at our usual time.
One thing causing the insomnia is the past relationship issues that have been plaguing my mind. I know through counseling that I cannot go back and change the past. I don’t know why this part of my life continues to invade my thoughts. It is most likely because I am not in a relationship but l would like to be. I think 4 years of being alone is starting to take its toll on me and it is time to take that step again down that path with someone. It is a big part of my life that I miss yet at the same time it has been a difficult transition from married to divorce to “technically” a widow to now being considered single.
The never-ending line of people who have started conversations online only to have to end it, because they were not truthful about themselves and their intentions, have gotten longer over the last year. It began bordering on the ridiculous and resulted in someone trying to impersonate my online social media account.
The thoughts associated with these events causes self-doubt in myself. I don’t understand why there have been so many online “people” who have approached me, pretended to be interested in me, and then ended up lying about who they were. My son believes it is just one individual targeting me but I just don’t see the point? I have turned down their requests for financial help a.k.a. “scamming for money”, blocked them and moved on. Each hit that I have taken just made me feel so sad and upset over the whole ordeal that I now feel like I cannot trust anyone. I hate this feeling the most because it is not who I truly am and it feels like I’ve been forced to be this way.
I know talking with the psychologist about this issue before has brought up my “boundary” issues. Not defining the boundaries with others and letting them take control over the relationship is a major concern. So it is something we continue to slowly tackle.
The next cause of the insomnia is my own relationship with my children. I feel most days like I am failing them. I am failing because I should be the provider to them but I currently do not fill this role adequately. I am still unemployed. I still haven’t finished my degree. I have no additional funds coming into our household budget. We are relying solely on the death benefits from my ex-husband and I believe my children resent me for this. The only proof of this resentment is their behavior and attitude toward me as their parent. They don’t listen to me and it has caused quite a disruption to our household. Some days it feels like they are mocking me in the way they talk at me. This is not how it should be but somewhere along the way I lost my footing and never regained it. Previously there were two parent figures in their life to balance things out now there is only me. There is no balance. So we keep going round and round with one another, going nowhere. It not only stresses me out, it stresses them too.
Another issue that I lie awake and think about is my own self, the soon to be empty nest, and what is to become of me? The thoughts about the plans that I used to have keep coming up in my mind. I was supposed to be retired from the military, mid-career with an organization or company, starting my own business, and planning travel with my husband once all of our kids left home. None of that will happen. I feel so lost because there wasn’t plan B or C, etc. I sometimes get scared at the thought of being alone. This is not where I thought I would be at this point in my life completely starting over with no clear-cut plan of what I want to do for the rest of my life of possibly being alone.
The last thing that continually keeps me awake at night is my children. I worry about them and their futures. I want them to accomplish all that they want in life. I want them to go to school and become whatever it is that they dream of knowing that I will not be able to help them financially. I can be there for emotional support and guidance hoping it will it be enough. I know they are still in mourning and grief over the loss of their father. I cannot provide the comfort they need as their mother because I was still in the grief and mourning process over the ending of my marriage. When their father passed away, that event has kept me in this emotional spiral that I desperately want to get out of but haven’t yet.
These thoughts are being compounded by the depression and anxiety. Some days I feel okay. I wake up with this sense of purpose and motivation to do better. Then as the day wears on that feeling of being on track and accomplishing things gets derailed. All the insecurities and self-doubt are constantly at the edge of my thoughts. It hard to keep that at bay and then I just lose focus. I start feeling tired and worn down. Sometimes I end up falling asleep on the couch, napping in the middle of the day. Then I’m wide awake at night.
Previous experience with insomnia reminds me to just take it one day at a time. It is just a phase I am going through. Once things start settling down so will the thoughts. They’ll always be there but won’t be prevalent in my day-to-day life. I have to keep pushing through everything that occurs. Stay focused. Keep setting and accomplishing goals no matter how big or small. Find that motivation every single day to get up and get going. Look for the things that make me happy. Remember that my kids love me and I love them, we’re not perfect but we’ll manage like we always do.
Thank you for taking time to stop by.
I hope that good vibes, peace, love, and happiness always find you.
Have a great week!