Non Cake Related, Random Musings, Uncategorized

Hold on or let go – Under the influence of a movie.

It is 11:50 pm on a Saturday night.  I sit alone in the darkness, texting, chatting online and thinking about how to write this.

This morning I went and saw the movie “Acrimony” by Tyler Perry starring Taraji P. Henson. The synopsis of the story states it was about a woman who gets revenge for being betrayed by her husband.  All the trailers went in that same general direction.  I thought it was an entertaining movie. Taraji P. Henson is an excellent actress at playing an angry woman.  In all honesty, the storyline didn’t portray, to me at least, a tale of a betrayed wife but instead a bitter one.  This made me think heavily about my own relationships and the way they ended.  I understand that same bitterness and it is not an easy pill to swallow.

In the storyline, the main character’s flaws are visible at the beginning of the relationship yet he sticks by her.  His flaws are there also and she too ignores them.  They get married and the life they dreamt of having doesn’t magically transpire. It becomes routine like most relationships do.

He has all these hopes, dreams, and plans despite the tremendous financial burden they are under.  He is so focused on these goals that he seemed rather oblivious to their life together and how strained it is becoming.  She being the “dutiful” wife continues on with him eventually supporting them both.  This role in their relationship begins to affect what she perceives their life to be.  The bitterness and resentment are starting to settle in her thoughts which is compounded by her own family relationships and her own mental well-being.

She loses all sound reasoning and blames him for their issues despite his plea to not end the relationship.  She has become so embattled in her own thoughts that she is slowly losing self-control and reasoning.  Her hurt and anger are getting the best of her.  I saw this woman in this mental distress that her family did not want to face or really acknowledge it.  They just kept glossing it over hoping it would go away on its own. This is how most families deal with mental illness and it doesn’t work.  An open and honest discussion was needed but never happened in the movie until was too late.

As I sat there watching her transformation into this bitter and violently angry person all the while I kept thinking was “Let it go”,  “Just let all of it go and move on.”, and “Stop, see yourself”.  The character was blinded by her own inner rage and nothing was going to change it.

After the movie ended, the thoughts about relationships kept coming up as well as my own thoughts about my progression through depression and anxiety.  This writing will focus on both aspects.

When you first meet someone, it’s exciting and new.  You sometimes share everything about yourself with the other person and they do the same.  As you continue in the relationship at some point one of you is going to start seriously thinking about where is this going?

To some that it is a signal to end it while others see it as an opportunity to keep moving forward with this person.  Whether it is an engagement, marriage or just living together you both have decided to make a commitment to this other person.

That’s when the real you or the real them starts showing because up to this point we all have a tendency to hold back parts of our personality.  We believe that we are now safe to let those parts of our personality become free.  This can either be good or bad and the other person you are with will either fully accept it or not.  In some relationships, this often is the beginning of a crisis in a relationship.  We change something about ourselves and the other person has to choose to either ignore it or let it become a sticking point.  To some, it becomes a sticking point or flaw in the relationship but they keep going because of the feelings for the other person.

As time moves on, we as human beings, have to grow.  We view ourselves differently and begin thinking about our own mortality.  Some people know what it is they want in life and are willing to keep working toward it while others get stuck and don’t progress.  Relationships are like a bubble that will either keep slowly expanding with each person’s change.  In each change we create other bubbles becoming a longer chain strengthening overall.  In a relationship with too many sticking points, it won’t hold together and it eventually will burst.  Most hope for or work toward the long chain with the other person.

As I watched this movie, I realized that all the relationships I’ve had were all just these quick temporary bubbles that were never meant to last.  I was meant to keep floating along, still expanding and growing, while others weren’t so they eventually floated away.  Most of the time the bubble burst and I had to start over again.

Many years and counseling session later I started facing my own flaws as it pertains to relationships.  I didn’t use good judgment concerning boundaries within a relationship.  This tended to allow people to take advantage and I got hurt emotionally or physically by them.  I also sometimes let the boundary be so rigid and unyielding which pushed people away.  Once again I was hurt because I knew being too wishy-washy in my own actions was my own fault.  I have the ability to discern between both but didn’t.

Within the context of this movie, the main character, had the same flaw.  She didn’t have good boundaries within her own family dynamic and let it overshadow her own well-being.  Couple that with her own intense emotions and it was just this giant bubble waiting to burst.  She let her own anger at herself turn into this fire that would eventually burn everything in its path.  She wanted to blame others but in reality, she was at the center of it all.  She had control over her own happiness but couldn’t see it.

I see this as a flaw in most people because we are human beings, after all, we are not perfect in any sense and we get blinded by our own insecurities sometimes.  We tend to internalize everything if we are not careful and it starts destroying who we are.  Everyone is capable of controlling what they think and most know the difference between right and wrong.  We are responsible for our own actions. Granted there are exceptions to that which in most societies is put under the umbrella of mental illness.

Overall it was a thought-provoking movie and a part of me wishes it had ended differently.  The main character was this strong woman with so much potential but had a mental weakness that could have been helped but she needed to recognize it first. When you are in that state of distress, one of two things are going to happen, you will realize it and seek help or you will let it consume you.

I personally knew I needed help and was finally willing to seek it out and change my life.  I’ve had many regrets over the last 4 years but I keep pushing on knowing that each step I take is in a positive direction.

It may be slow going but I will eventually get to a place of peace within my thoughts.  I will continue to make mistakes because I am human.

One day the waves of my chaotic life will start subsiding and I will keep floating along.  I will continue to be this bubble attracting others.  Maybe one will stick and we will grow together.

Until then I will keep discovering new things not only in life but within myself.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Have a great week!

May good vibes, peace, love, and happiness always find you wherever you are in the world.