April 10th, 2018
It is a Tuesday night after 10:30 pm and I should be thinking about heading off to sleep. Too many thoughts going through my mind and I don’t like it.
I haven’t had these thoughts in a very long time it is making me feel lost and confused.
I started talking with this person several months ago and was just letting it takes its course to see where it goes. The uneasiness I feel about the age difference is still there but is being replaced by feelings of awkwardness. I remember those feelings. I don’t like those feelings.
I only ever had those feeling when I start getting attached to someone. The being unsure and careful with my words only to fumble over them. The constantly checking to see if I have a message. The feelings of jealousy. The getting upset easily because of the thoughts of losing the person and not being able to talk to them anymore. Having feelings for another truly does make one feel like they are going crazy.
I thought I was the calm, cool, and collected one but deep down, I know that’s not true. The minute I start having any romantic interest in anyone, all sense goes out the window. It feels like I’m out of control.
I am and will always be this hopeless romantic. I tend to believe that love will overcome anything. People are meant to find someone to share their life with and it will just magically happen. It is kind of weird to think of myself this way because I grew up this no-nonsense tomboy who didn’t show any interest in the opposite sex until I was 18. That’s when it all fell apart for me.
It was like I suddenly became aware of how I looked. I suddenly could hear my own voice and didn’t like the way I sounded or spoke. I realized that I dressed more like a boy instead of a girl but have no fashion sense whatsoever. My hair was always messy or in a ponytail if it wasn’t cut super short. I didn’t wear makeup, perfume, or jewelry. I felt so awkward and unattractive despite the attention from boys. I could never and still don’t understand why men talk to me. I think I’m a mess.
Yet, despite these angst feelings, I was capable of being in relationships. Some were short and while others were quite long before I ever got married. The longest relationship being married for 17 years. I’ve written about before how you become rather complacent during a marriage. You tend to not care about appearances. When you have depression, like I do, you sometimes don’t even realize it because it just seems normal. I did have those awkward feelings toward my husband though. I just wanted us to be like we were at the beginning but was never able to get that spark back. He didn’t care either way so that was that for rest of our marriage.
Now I face those old feelings from so long ago and I don’t know what to do with them. The anxiety isn’t helping it. I got so upset at him this evening over nothing but it’s too late to take anything back. I overreacted as usual. I did text him how I felt so we will have to wait and see what transpires. He may tire of this because it was the second day in a row that I blew up over nothing. The awkwardness and feelings of being trapped reared its ugly head.
Those personal boundaries that I’ve been trying to develop through counseling are not strong yet and I let things overplay any sensible thoughts. These are the things that ended some of my relationships. I know I was at fault for those and accepted that a long time ago. No amount of apologizing on my part would ever repair the damage done. So I had to let them go. I’m sure they were much better off without me anyway.
So as I sit here, writing through my thoughts, to try to calm them down. To walk through each step and organize it into reasonable bits of information. I can only hope that we will talk through this and come to some sort of peace between us. He’s a very reasonable person, smart and very sweet. He’s been way nicer than me that much I know is true.
I am too old for this still being unsure of myself when it comes to men that I’m attracted to. It is so frustrating that I let things get to me this way. I know it is because of the way I grew up mistrusting others and just want those thoughts to go away. I know that not all people are bad and just using me. It’s those thoughts that interfere with meaningful relationships and will cause me to be alone if I can’t get it together.
So I will continue on with my evening, work through thoughts, and go get some sleep.
He just texted back…
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Have a great week!