Non Cake Related, Random Musings, Uncategorized

164 miles to E – Another 365 days around the sun.

April 20th, 2018

Sitting in the car looking at how many miles until I hit empty.  Just feeling grateful for the $20 of gas my son put in the car for me.  At the same time also feeling pretty useless.  It has been a hard adjustment this past year.

I know that I shouldn’t feel this way because things will get better. We all go through low points in our lives where we just feel like it’s never going to end. Then you wake up one day in a better place than before.  You just have to be patient.  So I wait.

My goal the last few months has been to put into action the job hunt and increasing our income.  To take all these skills to manage my thoughts and put them to use.  Managing my time as wisely as I can toward making a difference in our life.

I know that I have what it takes to be successful in any job that I take on but finding the opportunity has been alluding me.  Many online applications and putting my resume out there.  Then one day I took a chance at going through a temporary agency again.  I went in because I heard they were having a job fair.  I got dressed for an interview and made sure my resume was up to date then stopped by.  They looked over my information, had me fill out an application and then complete some data processing assessments.  I was grateful they actually took me on.  I had an interview with a recruiter.  She looked over my resume and made a few suggestions to change it.

After I left the temporary agency, I went home and started making the changes to the resume to send back to the recruiter.  I was looking at some different styles online and decided to completely revamp the look of it. I sent it back to her and a day later she called me for an interview with a company.  I hadn’t, at that point, had an interview in almost a year.  So I was pretty happy for the opportunity.  Unfortunately, they chose someone else for the position but this did not deter me.  I happened to see online an ad for an upcoming veteran’s job fair that same week.

Once again I got dressed up, printed out more copies of my resume and went.  There weren’t as many companies as anticipated but that didn’t stop me from talking to as many people as possible.  I ended up with a lot of good information plus additional ways to get my information out to potential employers.  So this past week has been filling out new profiles for online job boards.  Then I had a second interview scheduled the same day I filled out an application. It was a little overwhelming. I wasn’t expecting it that quickly.

So within a week, I had now had two interviews, things are looking better and my confidence is being boosted back up.  The second interview changed how I viewed myself.

As I sat there filling out the application online for this retail outlet, I automatically filled out the lowest paying job position.  It is a habit to only apply for the bottom or entry-level positions.  I did not believe that anyone would see my potential.  I didn’t even see it.  Then I went to this interview.  It was an eye-opener for me.

I went in ready to interview with additional resumes once again.  I sat before three store managers and started answering their questions.  At first my thoughts were that this company really takes their sales associates positions very seriously.  Then the questioning became more and more comprehensive.  I was asked to describe how I would handle different scenarios.  Then put myself on a scale of where I believed to be in those situations.  It was one of the most intense interviews I’ve ever been through.  This interview went on for an hour.  It wasn’t until we were almost finished when I realized they had been interviewing me for a store manager position.  I was kind of floored by it.  Over the past four years, after retiring from a military, I never saw myself as being in a management position. I automatically put myself into to these basic roles within companies and had stopped believing in myself.

Yet this group of people, who I had never met, saw something in my resume and application that indicated to them that I may be a good fit.  As of this writing, I don’t know what the outcome is to be but I am glad that it happened.  It made reevaluate some things about myself.

I spent twenty years in the military and retired.  This means I did something that is truly out of the ordinary not only for most citizens but for female minorities.  It is a rarity and not commonplace.  I was very successful in accomplishing what was needed which can be seen in the many awards, accolades, and medals on my wall.  As far as personal growth within that career, I was pretty average.  I had made choices that I knew would affect my promotion potential but had other priorities mainly my children.  The other priority was my own education.  So I did not take the offers to advance my career further. I continued and finished what I had started at the age of 12.  I knew then what I wanted to do.

During this time of trying to accomplish this personal goal, I also took on the role of being a wife and mother.  I was a single mother of two children for four years before I got married.  I managed to take care of them and myself without another parent figure there for support.  I attended a private vocational school program in computer programming that took about a year to complete.  It did not lead to a better job as hoped but it did teach me a few things.  I went on to many different jobs before I got married and had two more children.

When I got married I had already rejoined the military to continue my pursuit of completing it to a retirement.  Despite this constant thorn in my married life, I did not let this stop me.  It was the most difficult time period in my life. I also added college in pursuit of a business degree, volunteering and running my own side hobby business.

In that 17 years of married life, I raised 4 children, completed 3 associates’ degrees and developed a passion for an art form that could possibly be a business one day.  Then after I retired, I totally turned my life upside down when I decided to no longer be married, face the depression and anxiety, and completely start over again with nothing.

It has been a difficult 4 years since I made that decision.  I had to spiral completely out of control and start sinking before I could get my bearings again.  I finally started resurfacing about a year ago after the death of my ex-husband.  This is where I am today.

So in this job hunt and after this last interview as I go forward into another year of life, I have to remember these things.

  • I finally realized that I am fine. I can do this.
  • I’ve proven myself over and over again.
  • I had really bad days but I still woke up the next day to start again.
  • I know how to be productive, proactive, and get things done.
  • I have excellent time-management and organizational skills this is my advantage.
  • I know how to read, retain and put to use any information to accomplish goals.
  • I got over my fear of public speaking and I’m not afraid to strike up conversations.
  • I can be persuasive and demanding but fair.
  • I have high expectations for not only myself but for others also.
  • I know how to lead people to accomplish a goal.
  • I know how to lend an empathetic ear to someone’s problems, concerns, or issues.
  • I know how to put up those boundaries and not let people overstep them.
  • I need to stop letting others dictate who I am.
  • I need to keep believing in myself.
  • I need to continue to set goals to accomplish.
  • I can adjust, be flexible, and adapt to the situations at hand.
  • I know how to keep the thoughts at bay and reconcile them.
  • I know what I want in a relationship and will be so much pickier this time around.
  • I know that if I end up being alone that it was meant to be that way, I accept that.
  • I will no longer allow others actions to have an influence on me.
  • I define my own self-worth and no one else has that power.
  • I need to remember how far I’ve come and how much more I need to go.
  • I need to remember to enjoy every aspect of every day in this life I have been given.

The only true difficulty I have is letting go of the pain and hurt caused by others.  This is my biggest obstacle to reaching my highest potential.

I found this quote about forgiving but not forgetting that made me think about how I cannot truly recover until I do so. “Forgiveness is about personal power, about attaining peace, about looking forward with hope.” – Laura Landgraf.  It is true that not being able to forgive those that hurt me is still holding me back but no one ever said that I had to forget it. I can forgive but remember it in order to make me stronger.  I also can forgive but have nothing to do with them and move on. I know in my heart that I asked God, the Universe, the Creator to help me do this a long time ago but did not wait or listen for the answer.  I wasn’t ready then, it’s my 47th year of life, I think I’m ready now.

So tomorrow, I will forgive them but not forget. The not forgetting has been pushing me along this whole time. It pushed me to prove myself. Now I’m ready to move on further and let the weight of forgiveness go.

So tomorrow will be the 365th day and then another new year will begin for me. I look back at everything from life until now. It wasn’t easy, life never is, but I’m still here ready to keep moving on toward my future.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a great week!

May peace, love, happiness, and good vibes always find you.