Regret – Midnight Musings
It’s June 28, 2018, 12:20 am.
Yesterday, I had yet another anxious day but my thoughts turned into harsh, callous, and cold words toward the person I care about. I had so much regret and remorse for what I said to him. All I could do was apologize and hope that he forgave me. I’m not sure where we stand at the moment.
This was the 5th day in a row for high anxiety moments.
I had a moment this past Saturday that got so bad, I had to call my eldest son to come and be with me. It was an emotional crisis and I was afraid of spiraling downward. I managed to calm the thoughts before he got here but he stayed with me all evening and we talked.
I haven’t been sleeping well this week. Dreams of the person I’m involved with as well as dreams of my ex-husband. The dreams with the ex-husband have been very disconcerting while the dreams of the person I’m with have been pleasant.
It wasn’t until this evening I realized why I was feeling this way.
One reason is the fact that next Wednesday, July 5th 2018, would have been the 21st anniversary of my first date with my ex-husband. We became engaged a short 3 weeks later. It was a very fast courtship leading to marriage. It was a long marriage that did not end well. He passed away a year later.
The second reason is the result of the first one. It is regret.
When my ex-husband was in the hospital my demeanor toward him was not that of someone who had shared 19 years of her life with that person. The father of her children. The person that used to be her friend. Instead I was the bitter ex-wife who showed no compassion or concern for what he was facing; his inevitable death. I knew and he did as well that his time was about to end. During that last conversation with him we did not reminisce about the life we had shared together. We did not say we were sorry. We did not make our last confessions about our feelings towards each other. It was all just a matter of fact discussion about taking care of the children. During the course of our conversation he began to cry and I just sat there staring uncomfortably. I did not console him.
Those actions are my biggest regret. I did not show the caring and compassion that I say I have for others. In that moment it defined my character. It showed who I truly was. This person who could easily turn her back on someone and not forgive them.
Forgiveness is why, in my dreams this past week, I was so happy to see him. To give him a hug and tell him that I missed him. I never got the chance to forgive him for the things that happened between us. I never got to say that I was sorry for the things that I did wrong as well. I never got any sort of closure between us. It is still an open wound on my heart that is trying to heal.
Now there is this other person in my life that I want to be with yet I still have not let go of my past hurt. It is affecting how I react to him. He has done nothing wrong but I still expect it. I have let the regrets of my past continue to fester on my soul.
So I am at a crossroads right now.
I can either continue down this path, live with regret. Let the past hurt continue to rear its ugly head every time I become highly stressed. Continuing to not trust people
The other path I can take is forgiving him and the others that hurt me. To start a fresh new path that doesn’t have the same issues as I had previously. Letting go of the things that went wrong in my life. Facing the possibility of true happiness with this new person in my life and continuing to build the relationship, making the foundation stronger.
My heart tells me to take the second path while my mind is still standing on the other one, searching for answers knowing that I will never find them and it’s time to let it go.
So as I move forward on this new path, I can only hope the anxiety will lessen over time. That I will find the things that make me happy again.
Until then, all I can do is apologize when I’m wrong, try to keep the other person’s viewpoint in mind, and listen to what my heart is telling me.
To also seek out forgiveness when I am in the wrong about something as well as learn to forgive others.
We are all human and we will continue to make mistakes but forgiveness makes things easier.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a great week!
May peace, love, and happiness find you, always.