July 5, 2018
It’s a hot Thursday evening, middle of the summertime.
I was lying there this afternoon thinking about the conversation I had with my online relationship. We have a lot of miscommunication between us. Partly due to our cultural differences and partly because of the age gap but we continue striving toward a better understanding. It will either work out or not. That is up to the universe to decide but we will keep trying.
Something that he said was stuck in my thoughts. It was about trust. He said I didn’t really trust him and I said “I don’t really trust anyone it’s called self-preservation” He went on with the conversation but mentally, my thoughts were on my statement.
In that moment I don’t know when I became that person. This cynical and untrusting person that the outside world sees. That’s not who I wanted to be or who I truly am, it never was. So what happened?
I could blame it on the really crappy childhood I had. I could blame the abuse at the hands of my mother and her husband. I could blame it on the school bullies from kindergarten until high school. I could blame it on growing up poor, Native American, and being a girl. I could blame it on the years of working dead-end jobs. I could blame it on the failed relationships. I could blame in on the depression and anxiety that came forth from all of this. To an outsider looking in, they could easily connect the dots to the growing cynicism and untrusting nature that was dwelling within my thoughts but it would be false.
The reason why it is false because despite everything that was ever going in my life I was always searching for the goodness and light in others. It didn’t matter what I was going through because as long as I could help them find the right path, my life was better or so I thought.
Everything I have ever done has been centered on helping others meet their wants or needs. Whether it was my kids, ex-husband, parents, sisters, relatives, friends, co-workers, or even strangers on the street I would offer my hand to help them sometimes giving the last dollar I had to them. I did it because I knew how it felt to be a moment away from changing everything.
As I grew up and with every difficult situation or obstacle I faced. I knew deep down in my heart and logically within in my thoughts that I was always a moment away from things moving in a different direction. It was blind faith. I had faith in this notion that our life will be the way it is supposed to be and all we had to do is keep the dreams alive in our thoughts. To put out that positive energy into the universe so it would come back to us.
Then as I got older and the depressive thoughts started taking more of a hold, I started letting go of some of those notions but not completely. I started feeling beaten down by life. I started feeling like I was wandering aimlessly with no direction. I was no longer living by blind faith in the light. I was walking with my eyes open to the darkness that was surrounding me. The negativity of those around me was becoming this cloud of self-doubt constantly hanging over me. That self-doubt was so encompassing it almost cost me my life. I started believing what others told me. It changed who I was. I could no longer see the goodness and light in others. One day I woke up from this haze and started fighting back.
It’s taken over 4 years to just get to this point. The moments of blind faith are still carrying me through this metamorphosis. I am becoming stronger than I was before; mentally, physically, and spiritually. So when I said today that I don’t trust anyone that wasn’t true. It’s not that I don’t trust people. I have to be more guarded than I was before. I have to protect my own well-being this time around. I will always be that person who is willing to help but have realized some things that are important to recognize in others.
I still believe that there are good people out there. That we are all inherently good people but we let the environment we live in tell us differently. We stop believing in ourselves. We stop trusting our own abilities and knowledge. We let our dreams start fading away and no longer focus on them.
I realized today that it is much easier to give up and let others take over than to bravely stand on our own two feet. That is a really hard choice to make; to be brave. We are telling ourselves that we are important and that others need to see us that way. It is self-preservation in its truest form.
So as the days continued and I was changing along with it, I threw out to the universe the thought that I deserve someone who loves me for just being me. That they didn’t see a flawed person that they could fix but a person who they wanted to know more about. That they accepted me for who I am. That they would overlook my faux pas or lack of knowledge on some things and be willing to share their life with me. That we could grow together. Maybe this online person is the one I was waiting for and just needed to be patient.
I was recently watching a series on Netflix and the characters were talking about love. She said “…everybody has a soul mate…but they’re usually on the other side of the bars, or the wall or the planet from you…that’s the way the universe works…” It was a nice sentiment and fit well with my thoughts lately about this person.
I look at the fading light of day, my thoughts turn to this person on the other side of the world. I know that I don’t make things easy but I never have for anyone. My expectations have always been very high not only for myself but for those in my life as well. I believe in the goodness and light that dwells within. It is the one thing that helped bring me out of the darkness. I had to learn to follow my own light. I can only hope that you will follow it too. That as time moves on we will always be just a moment away.
Thank you for stopping by and sharing a part of your day with me.
May peace, love, happiness and good vibes find you.
Have a great week!