It’s July 9, 2018.
I was looking through my Instagram posts yesterday evening when I found the very first comments my online person made on one of my posts. It was January 1st. The first day of the New Year and here it is 6 months later and we are still talking to each other…I think.
I knew 2 years ago when my children convinced me that this was the way relationships start now that it would be challenging for me. I come from a generation that we have to look a person squarely in the eye and watch their body language to determine what our points or counterpoint should be during a conversation. It helps with making the flow move easier.
This relationship has had many moments of miscommunication and I know that it is because of who I am.
I grew up this very painfully shy kid. Constantly bullied at home and at school were not confidence boosters. So I played sports started getting good grades to try to compensate for the lack of outgoing personality; it didn’t work. It actually made the treatment worse because then I was constantly being challenged by people, mainly boys, wanting to knock me down a few pegs if I began to do well. This made self-confidence non-existent. I became this angry person who didn’t trust anybody.
Then when I was in my late teens and early twenties that changed because of the military. I came away with this “Shut up, put up, or get out of my way” attitude much to the dismay of friends and family. I became the arrogant bully. I pushed people hard and expected too much from them. It was one of the loneliest periods in my life. I also became a working single mom.
When I became a mom, my attitude had to change because I did not want my children to be that way. I was determined to have a better life for them. I wanted them to be well-liked and never have to worry about being bullied. I raised them to be kind, compassionate but also logical. I wanted them to use not only common sense but their intelligence as well.
Then I got married and thought I was finally where I was meant to be. A wife and mother. I enjoyed being a mother but also wanted so many things for myself personally. A college education, good job, retirement, a business and to travel. I still want these things and continue to strive toward them. The only thing that did not go well was my marriage. I did not get the happily ever after. I was married to a person who wanted wealth and the perception of being successful. He was willing to do anything to get it. This caused a lot a friction in our marriage that eventually led to our divorce.
I learned a lot about who I was, what I wanted from a relationship, and also what I did not want. These things are now causing friction within this online relationship. I know the age gap is playing into it because of our different ways of thinking but for me, I know that I have become this “clingy and needy” person. I don’t know how this has happened?
In my mind, I still have this ongoing thought that “I can be alone”. This is an automatic protection mechanism that I have learned through therapy over the last 4 years. It is what my psychologist calls “recovery”. I’m still in the process of recovering from the downward spirals into major depression even though the last incident was well over a year ago. I still try to put into practice the things I learned about the “habits” I have in my thinking. To shift them back in a more positive direction away from the negative to avoid spiraling downward.
So when I started this online chat with this person, I was still unsure about whether I wanted to get into a relationship with anybody. One part of my mind was trying to convince myself that I wasn’t ready while my heart was starving for affection and contact with another human being.
I have also come to realize that his current generation does not like to share their feeling or are very guarded with most of it. Apparently showing emotions makes you vulnerable and sharing too much is also frowned upon nowadays. These same exact things are what I learned growing up were good traits of a strong leader. The ability to recognize and acknowledge your vulnerabilities or weaknesses to improve upon it. It showed those you were trying to lead that you share common traits with them and could understand their point of view.
I have been told that my honesty is a character flaw. I grew up believing that everyone should just be open and honest but learning that not everyone is this way. People don’t want to know everything even if they ask your opinion on something.
The main difficulty is the clinging and neediness that comes across when we are having a conversation with each other. I know that I am supposed to be my own person and manage with or without him. Yet, in the same breath, I miss having someone who I can confide in and talk to. I miss having a person that I can bounce ideas or thoughts off of. I don’t want them to solve my issues just be there to listen while I find a solution. I am coming off looking like this needy person who doesn’t trust him. Yet, I trust him more than he realizes. I really don’t know how to change the perception except to just quit talking about things and quit trying to solve things that I see as a problem. To quit trying to settle everything or rehashing them again. To keep everything neutral and quit asking for so much from him.
So I am at a quandary of how to approach this to avoid further miscommunication with him. I love him. I’ve never actually said or felt that way about anyone before and it is kind of scary to me. To hold someone in such high regard knowing that if it doesn’t work out then it most likely will be my last attempt.
I just don’t want to keep putting myself out there to only be thrown back. It doesn’t bode well for my ego. I know that may sound overly dramatic to some but with all the failed relationships in the past 29 years, it is getting very tiring and I’m ready to give up on the whole idea.
To face the thought of being alone is not something I ever anticipated so I’m not sure but I also know that I don’t want to just be with someone for the sake of being with someone. That would not be ideal either.
So as I continue to go forward, back away from our latest conversation, and give him space I will also continue to look at myself. To figure out what is the best way to handle this relationship as it hopefully moves along toward the day when we are together as planned. Everything is still up in the air at this point.
I went into this knowing it faced some challenges that I would have to overcome. I also knew that it would be worth the challenges. So as I watch the dawn break over the horizon, I know today is a new day to start over again.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a great week!
May peace, love, happiness, and good vibes find you, today!