love to bake

June 16, 2019

I’m 48 years old.  That’s weird for me to say and hear.

When I was a kid, I didn’t believe that I would still be alive in the year 2020.  Now here it is 2019 and in less than 6 months it will be 2020.  So many changes and pain to have lived through but I did.

The abuse inflicted on me started when I was very young at the age of 3 or so. I ended up living with relatives until I was about 9.  The abuse got worse after I was forced to move in with my mother and her new family.  I contemplated and made a suicide attempt at the age of 12.

That was my beginning in the world. Then at the age of 18, I joined the military and moved away.  The thoughts of who I was and what I was capable of accomplishing changed.  The military saved my life. Being in the service changed the way I approached things and helped somewhat quiet the anger building up from not facing what I had gone through. The military tried counseling but it didn’t work for me. 

Fast forward to 1996, I was now a single mom to a 3 year old finding out I was going to have another child.  It was a daunting thought, bringing another human being into the world that was going to depend on me when I didn’t think I was worth anything.  It was a hard transition then I found the reserve component of the military, once again it saved me.  This time I gained a renewed sense of purpose not only for myself but for the children I would be raising.

A year later I got married eventually having two more children.  Most of my relatives, friends, and family thought it was great that now I had someone to “take care” of me.  That was farther from the truth than they would ever know.  First, I didn’t need anyone to “save” or “take care” of me, I needed a friend to support me on the path I was already walking, that didn’t quite happen.   Secondly, it turned into a 17 year journey into a spiral of lies, deceit, mistrust, debt, unhappiness, infidelity, sadness, major depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, and the eventual death of my then ex-spouse.  

I walked away spiritually broken.  My soul was battle weary and ready to give up but I didn’t. I picked myself back up, cleaned up the wounds, picked up my sword & shield, and continued marching forward into the unknown.

Now we are coming to the end of that chapter waiting to start a new one, on my own.  No longer will there be children to depend on me, they are grown adults moving forward on their own.  I did the job I was meant to do and I’m so proud of them. I couldn’t ask for anything more but I did.  I prayed for someone to walk the rest of this life path with me and start a new chapter.  I’m not sure if the person I’ve been talking to for over a year is the one.  So many up and downs but I’m still here ever hopeful that this too has a purpose in my life.  I just have to be patient.

I will continue to stumble through life picking myself up over and over again, that’s life.  It’s not perfect, never been easy, but it’s still my life to live. 

I will always be True Blue.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have an awesome week ahead!

Peace, Love, and Happiness to you always!

Suzanne