Day 1 – Morning Pages

August 18, 2019

Hello. I woke up. I wasn’t feeling that good. Thoughts about my ex-husband. I miss our Sunday mornings. That’s in the past. Not to be revisited again. I went on to social media. Spent only a few minutes. Felt kind of bored. No text message this morning. Felt alone. Listened to my audio book 168 hours. this led me this writing exercise. It didn’t say whether to do this in silence or not? So listening to Nicola Conte, my favorite for writing. Sunday mornings are always my favorite times for writing. A cup of coffee. Laundry going. Raining outside. A quick bite to eat. Quiet time. The cats sleeping near by. Lots of thoughts about tomorrow. I dread Mondays again. Knowing it’s not going well at work. The reason for the feelings of dread and the knot in my stomach. Trying to push past it. This is hard writing long hand. My handwriting is terrible, scraggly, and sloppy. It never used to be that way. I know the work I am doing is relevant and important to the clients we serve. Its a supporting role that anyone can do. I used to enjoy the praise I received at the beginning. It felt good to be needed again. It is no longer that way. Time to keep moving. Too many changes happening. My baby leaves home in a few days. I’m not ready. My time in Mom mode is ending. I did my duty the best that I could. I wish I could have done more. Have to remember that I wasn’t the only one, there was another. I can only do so much. It’s time to focus on myself and what do I want to do? I thought I did, now not sure. I love cake decorating and sugar art. I am good at it when I focus. There hasn’t been enough of that lately. I like writing. I’m not great at it but it helps express my opinions and ideas. I like organizing and setting processes for others to follow. Is there a job for any these things? Do I have to create my own job? How do I do that? I have business degree background, it shouldn’t be that hard to figure this out. Just need to push the feelings and emotions aside and focus. What do I really want? I’ve accomplished everything I set out to do already. I retired from the military. I had children and became a mom. I got married. I shut down the toxic people in my life. I have 3 associates degrees and 12 hours away from 2 bachelors degrees. I found something to appease the creativity but it’s stagnant at the moment. Need to revive it and it either becomes a business or stays a hobby. It’s my choice now. No one else to tell me what to do. I am my own person. These choices to do things that work toward my dream or not to do things are in my control. Come up with a plan. Need to be flexible and continuous. No end date. Drink some more coffee. Listen to some more music. Keep writing.

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