Focusing on the wrong things

March 5, 2020

It’s been a few months since I wrote last. I was and still currently going through a lot of changes; emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially.

I was previously working at a call center which I have done numerous times before.  I made it through the 7 weeks training course, was on the production floor for 3 months when a new opportunity came along. 

The offer of becoming an Assistant Bakery Manager. Something that I’ve always wanted to do, work in a bakery.  Being around the cake decorators and bakers involved in the process of creating edible works of art and treats.

So, I spoke with my call center manager about the position and gave him the required two-week notice requesting a change to my schedule.  I wanted to do both and make the call center position a part time one.  They denied my request and I had to resign my position.  It saddened me leaving the new friends I was making there.

In the meantime, while all of that was going on, I also lost the house that I just moved into. The property managers flaked on me after I signed the lease and moved in.  I was trying to obtain assistance through a local tribal housing program, and they got the same runaround I did so it was never settled. The property manager proceeded with the eviction process.  They evicted someone by a different name at my address. Needless to say, that was a major cluster.

I have been dealing with ongoing medical issues related to my arm since September. I started having pain in my shoulder and wrist while working at Braum’s Restaurant and Ice Cream Store so I left that position just before taking the call center one.

I ended up going to urgent care in October because I woke one morning with the whole arm swollen, hurting, and my fingers were bluish in color. They prescribed muscle relaxants and ibuprofen then scheduled me for several tests.  As of today, I still have yet to be scheduled with an Orthopedic Doctor as recommended by the test results for further evaluation. I still have ongoing pain and cannot lie on my right side.

Today, after finally getting the Audiology test I was scheduled for months ago, I was told that I have some hearing loss and it is most likely what is causing the ringing in my ears when it’s quiet.  Sometimes it wakes me up in the middle of the night. It’s exhausting along with the stress of everything else going on.

I am currently living with my mother and her husband until I find a new place which is the most stressing thing of all.  Living with the people who abused and caused the trauma that I am still dealing with at the age of 48. It is not an ideal situation but the only temporary solution I had at that moment.

All of these “things” going on in my life but despite the harshness of my life at the moment I wish to remain hopeful and not focus on these wrong things.  I have survived and lived through worse. I know this and I know it is only temporary. 

I have been choosing to remain focused on my own personal goals, my children, and the person I’m still involved with for the last two years online. 

Life suck sometimes. We all know this.  It is true that only difference between us is how we choose to react to the situation at hand.  If this had been 20 years ago then I would be in a drunken stupor all the time and chain smoking like there was no tomorrow that was then but that is not me now.

Everything that I have been holding onto; the anger, pain, and resentment just suddenly became a realization to me last week out of nowhere.  Once I faced it and spoke it out loud. I felt all of it just leaving my thoughts.  The feelings of sadness were replaced with feeling okay.  Hopeful and okay.  

I spent 4 decades waiting for an apology from the people who hurt me and I finally faced the fact that it would never happen.  They are who they are.  They believe they didn’t do anything wrong. They swept it under the rug and never looked back.  They made a choice. 

I never got that same choice.  They hurt me to my core belief system. I spent that same 4 decades trying to repair each iteration of pain that went through me in the waves of depression, anxiety, and sadness that kept me spiraling in and out of control.  It appeared in the binge drinking, binge eating, compulsive behaviors, and chaotic thoughts.  That was the reality created by what happened to me.

I only began facing the pain 5 years ago and last week there was finally a break down of the thoughts holding back the true me.  It was such a relief and felt like I was breathing again.

I have no idea where I go from here.  It was such a freeing moment. I’m seeing everything in a different perspective and not sure where this is going to take me.  All I can do is keep moving forward with my plans and keeping hoping that each day gets better than the last one.

I choose to focus on the good things in life that is out there.  There is already enough negativity in the world I don’t want to keep adding to it.  Positive vibes out, positive vibes return back.  The world needs a lot of positive energy right now.

We are all hurting in some way.  We need the positive vibes and energy to heal.  It’s the only way.

Thank you so much for sticking around and checking out my blog.

Have an awesome week ahead!

Stay positive.

Stay motivated.

Keep moving forward.

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne

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