Random Musings

Just a moment of your time.

March 29th, 2020 – Copy of email sent today.

Good day to you.

I don’t know if you’ll ever see this but I just needed to clear my thoughts. 

I met you online almost a month ago. During that time, I enjoyed the conversations we were having as new friends. 

It was a breath of fresh air to me. Having a conversation with someone about things other than issues. It gets tiresome to have so many people depending on me. You tend to lose a sense of yourself when that happens. 

We were fine with each other until the day you got angry and upset with me over the person, I have been friends with online for two years. I didn’t and still don’t understand what sparked that moment. Then you stopped talking to me.

I admit that I was hurt by it more than I should have been. Those few weeks you were gone filled my thoughts then all of sudden you were there again, saying you missed me and wanted to talk to me again. I agreed because I missed you too. 

Now you seemed to have gone again, I’m not sure but it feels for certain this time. Once again, I’m at a loss and thoughts are all over the place. You placed doubts in my mind over the people i have allowed into my life.  

Previously, after our argument, I spoke with my online friend and asked some hard questions of him. I needed to know that if we never become romantically involved would he still be my friend?  He said yes of course. He’s been there as a friend and confidant through my roughest days the last two years. The only way we wouldn’t talk to each other anymore is for him to walk away. He knows this because I’ve told him before. Once a person is my friend, I am there to the end that’s always been my bond to others, my word. 

The doubt I started having is about the kind of relationship that I need versus what I want.  I need someone to be there consistently.  I need someone that can feel comfortable enough to bare his soul to me knowing that I will do anything to protect his heart in the process. I need someone that will feel open and free to talk to me about anything never being afraid that I will be judgmental. I don’t have all the answers and never claimed to. All I can really do is listen impart any wisdom that I may have and continue to stand by your side if you want or need me to. I need someone that I feel comfortable enough to do the same in return. 

The person I want in my life is ethical, compassionate, and has a strong moral compass. The person needs to be pursuing something greater than himself and not complacent in the life he leads. He not only takes care of himself physically and emotionally but spiritually as well. I say spiritually and not religion because I don’t believe in organized religion that’s a hard no for me which is a discussion we never got to have. This person places an emphasis of constantly growing. learning and trying new things. This person also needs to know when to not take things so seriously through laughter and being silly sometimes. Laughter is the medicine for the soul. 

All of these things are only gained through experience and wisdom. Nowhere did I write what the person is to look like, how much their monetary worth is, or whether they have distinguished career or degree. 

The only things that concerns me when it comes to a relationship is age.  I went down that road many times with someone 5 to 10 years older than me and it never worked it felt like more of a competition than a relationship so I don’t even talk to that age group anymore. Someone closer to my age or younger is where I will stay going forward. 

These are the thoughts that have flittered through my mind since yesterday and now I’ve bared them to you and to the universe. 

So, if I don’t hear from you again. Thank you for the brief moment in time where we knew one another. Thank you for helping me see the next path I need to take. I wish you nothing but the best life has to offer. Take care and be safe.