Romantic Notions

Romantic Notions

“…a person who tends toward romance…the idea of love…the gestures and feelings that come with it…romantic people are passionate, creative and often joyful, they can have moments where the fantasy of a situation leaves them disappointed…”

Romanticism was the thought this morning after waking up from such a pleasant dream. In the dream I was being courted which was leading to a proposal by my celebrity crush Tom Hiddleston. It was all very romantic and sweet. Unfortunately, I woke up before I could find out what happened or what my answer would have been.

So needless to say, I woke up feeling in a pretty good mood. Then my thoughts turned to my own self and how do I define myself when it comes to relationships?

I started dating and getting into relationships when I turned 18.  So compared to my peers, I was a late bloomer when it came to the development of social skills. A very shy person that didn’t talk much. This lead to me not having very many friends but when I did form one it was normally with someone much more vocal than myself or my opposite.

The stigma of being socially awkward still persists even today but depends on the situation.  

As a grown adult who has accomplished quite a bit personally in my lifetime, I’ve made a lot of friends and acquaintances by becoming known for being unafraid to voice my opinions. The military helped me get past the being shy stage. While working I would become the subject matter expert within my workplace no matter what the job was that competitive nature enabling me to do so.

The downside of having that side of my personality is that I have never figured out how to translate some of those qualities of being self-assured and confident into forming meaningful relationships. People are attracted to it in the beginning but the sparkle wears off rather quickly when my insecurity starts showing.

Yet what they didn’t stick around long enough to see was the soft, passionate, romantic side that makes up most of the underlying reasons why I do the things I do. The heart that has patiently been waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet into a happily ever after. That emotional side that has believed and still believes in love, romance, and a soul mate.

The romantic notions that I normally scoff at to hide my true feelings of wanting to be that girl who men vie for attention from. So, with each relationship that I ventured into became this personal marker of some sort of accomplishment, like I won “something”.

It wasn’t until later on in my life that I began to realize that the people I had become involved with never actually pursued me because they wanted to “be” with me but more like I was “convenient” for them at that time. They all went on into long lasting marriages and relationships even still today.

In retrospect they actually were just “convenient” for me as well because I never fought to keep them in my life. It hurt in the beginning when it ended but quickly faded with the next person. Now they are just parts that make up some of the depression and anxiety.

Things that I bring up as part of my social anxiety is now the “insecurity” some see in me and have pointed out when they first start thinking about becoming involved with me.

As a person who has been spending the last 5 years working on the issues that I have when it comes to setting boundaries with people, I know I’m insecure and I don’t hide from that fact. I will even tell you that I’m feeling insecure about something but it apparently comes off as being needy.     

The problem now is finding someone who understands that sometimes I need reassurance and instead of faulting me for it, try listening to what I’m saying instead. In that moment I need your shoulder to lean on. I don’t need anyone to save me from myself. I am still a grown woman capable of making her own decisions.

There’s that other part of me that wants to be loved wholeheartedly and find someone who wants the same. That person will be just as serious when it comes to setting goals and accomplishing things but at the same time can shift focus on the things that makes life meaningful, love and friendship.

A man that knows what it means to be courteous, chivalrous, and old-fashioned when it comes to courtship. It’s not about the amount of money you spend but the quality of time spent making the other person’s heartbeat only for you.

As a true romantic, songs of love, poetry, movies where they get the happily ever after or stories of long-lasting relationships are what keeps me believing and hoping for true love. I believe it exists and its out there seeking me as well.

I admit that I’ve always been that person that touted to not “believe” in Valentine’s day even though secretly I wish for roses, valentines’ candy and a card filled with romantic words of love.

Thoughts of getaways to exotic locations, and grand gestures of love are not what I think about. I am a practical person as well. A long walk on the beach with someone or a person that warms up your car on a winters morning then scrapes the ice off of the windows is just as meaningful. Small caring gestures make the biggest impact over time.

As I go on about my day and the dream that woke me up from my slumber fades slowly away, I will keep moving forward.  Staying positive, motivated and always facing anything that comes my way.

Thank you for stopping by.

Stay safe out there and take care.

Peace, love, and good vibes to you always!

Suzanne

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