It’s April 19th, 2020 and in two days, I will be 49 years old.
Today, the feelings of loneliness are overwhelming because once again a person in my life decided that I wasn’t worth his time. It’s exasperating.
In my lifetime I’ve always been successful at reaching some of my goals and aspirations. I’ve always been very proud of that fact. I’m a competitive person by nature and have always been this way. To be honest, I don’t like to lose and if it means being a hard charging, in your face type person to accomplish a goal that I’ve set for myself then I will, I don’t give up easily.
With all of that being said the only thing that I haven’t accomplished and irritates me the most is that I have never “won” at being in love with someone nor having them feel the same way back. Having someone to stay with me is not something that has happened for me and I’m always afraid it never will.
I’ve had a lot of relationships from the age of 18 to 49 and even a 17-year marriage in that same timeframe but none of them were happy with me and I was too depressed to be happy with myself. I understand why those relationships failed.
Just because I understand why they failed doesn’t make the fact that I’m still alone any easier. The pain I felt after every breakup left scars on my heart and soul some of which never healed. It hurts to have someone no longer love or care about you and not even tell you why or to be cruel about it because they can be. It leaves so many questions about your own self unanswered. The ego gets bruised and for me, I withdrew even further into myself.
I have this person in my life that has been my online friend for 2 years now. I care about him greatly and he is a part of my family but there isn’t any romance there anymore. That died out about a year ago after the newness of the relationship faded. Now most days I feel like I’m a burden to him. He’s very young and he should be with someone he can build a life with even though he says it is not important to him. It may not seem important now but what about 10 years from now? He will change his mind, they always do.
As I head into another year of life and that halfway point of 50 looms on the horizon I feel so alone. I’m not where I wanted to be relationship wise. I thought I would be married and looking towards being an emptynester with someone beside me to walk the rest of the way together. I know that it is an idealistic view of a future but I’ve held on to that notion for so long it’s hard to let go, like a bad habit.
Even when my marriage was falling apart, I kept holding onto that notion that it would work out and get better once our kids were grown all the while not knowing that my then husband had already started making plans to be with someone else. Finding out after his death was the one last slap in the face from beyond the grave. He got the last word which was devastating for me and my feelings of self-worth.
The years following that were spent rebuilding my shattered self-image. I didn’t do a very good job though and let a lot of people take advantage because I thought that was all that I was good for.
Today, I feel differently about myself and won’t let toxic people in my life anymore. I stand on my own two feet and know how to support myself. I know what I want in a relationship.
So, over the last year, I was letting people message me again online on and off just to see if there were any other connections to be made there. I met a couple of people that were interesting but then it faded as quickly as it started.
The latest one began talking to me before this whole pandemic thing started. He got mad at me because of my two-year online friendship and stopped talking to me for several weeks. I had my feelings hurt by it. Then he came back two weeks ago and apologized and wanted to start over again. I debated over it then agreed to try again. This morning his true colors showed once again about my online friend. I cannot be with someone so narrow minded, judgmental, biased, and racist towards someone you don’t even know then demanding that I put you first before anyone else. Who does that? A narcissist and chauvinist maybe. All too familiar from previous relationships. That definitely had to end and I will be better for it.
Despite knowing that about the person the ideal image in my mind is struggling to let it go but the pain will end, it always does. I will keep moving on alone if I have to.
Wistfully thinking about finding that special someone who will be there with me for the rest of our lives.
If I never find that then I will know that I did my best, that you don’t always win and you just have to remember to “Stay gold…” as the scene in the Outsiders goes.
Things don’t stay and change all the time.
All we can do is stay grounded in our beliefs and keep moving forward.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes to you always!