Random Musings

2 in the morning

June 21, 2020


The one thing that escapes me sometimes and other times I get too much of, it is never consistent.

Anxiety and depression play a big part of the insomnia that plagues me.

I have plenty of reasons to be anxious; recovery from surgery, a second pending surgery, unemployment, overdue bills, a kid that needs money for college in the fall and no income coming in just to name a few.

I don’t worry about these things because I’ve been through this sense of uncertainty before and know they will work out.

All these stressors but the only thing I’m worried about is the person who said he loved me.

Lately, the thoughts are surrounding the online relationship that I have been in for over two years now.

We haven’t had much conversation lately. I kept asking what was going on but not getting much of a response and it would turn into arguments.

I know he is under a great deal of stress himself and still under quarantine where he lives. His future is an uncertain as mine.

The trust issues, that I have, began coming up more during what chats we had.  It was becoming frustrating and I blew up.  I cut him off in mid conversation/argument, blocked him from everything, and deleted apps.

I was done.

I cried the rest of the day and spent it binge watching television.

I felt so hurt and the feeling of wasting two years of my life kept coming up in my thoughts.

It took a couple of days for me to gather my thoughts.  I had to reflect on why I got so upset.

I realized it was still the same insecurity, jealousy, and lack of self-confidence that has always plagued me when it comes to interpersonal relationships. This has always equated to how much trust I have in another human being.

The trust issues that I developed during my 17 year marriage compounded those flaws. 

I still carry it with me. 

The thought of being a failure in relationships is something that is hard for me to overcome. In my mind it defines me as a person.  It is in my mind something that should be easy but why can’t I manage it?  That question comes up quite often.

Outwardly, I have been successful at jobs, school, and raising my kids. They each have their own issues they deal with but overall they stayed in school, went on to college, some graduated and started their careers.  They too struggle in their relationships though.  That part I could not teach to them because I struggled with my own married life and they knew it.

I spent a couple of days thinking about it, unblocked him, reloaded my apps, and apologized for my erratic behavior.  Working to patch and fix the hurt I caused him will take a while.  I know he is frustrated with me too. I warned him from the beginning that getting to know me would be a challenge because I already knew who I was and that most don’t want to deal with my baggage.

Until I can finally get the thoughts under control and not let my emotions get the better of me then any relationship that I go into will continue being a struggle for me.

It is hard for me to trust people.  The psychologist and therapists have said it was due to the trauma that I suffered not only as a kid but also in my early twenties while in the military.

The worst part is my own thoughts though.  I have this inner turmoil of self-loathing that rears its ugly head when I’m feeling down.  The weird thing about it though is that it only comes up when I’m dealing with my personal relationships and friendships.

If I’m at work or doing a project then I’m the complete opposite. I’m confident, very outspoken, aggressive, and knowledgeable.  I’m friendly, talkative, and people are drawn to me but that’s where the line is drawn.  I don’t let anyone past it because I’m afraid of getting hurt.

I’ve never been able to translate those same actions into the personal relationships.

So I have to consciously work on the thoughts that come up and cause issues. Be self-aware of the triggers that can cause the depression and anxiety to increase.  Then put into the practices that I have been learning within my counseling sessions.

It has been an on again and off again battle the last 7 years. Luckily there have been less bad days the last 3 years and I’ve learned how to quickly recover from the negative thoughts.

The only thing that affects it greatly is when I’m not taking care of myself by not eating right, not exercising, not practicing quiet meditation, and most of all, not getting enough sleep.

It becomes this endless loop of no sleep, feeling down, and then no sleep again.  This pattern is hard to break once in it but eventually it smooths back out again.  I just have to keep in mind the healthy sleep habits/practices I learned when insomnia strikes.

  1. If you are not sleepy after 15 minutes of lying down, get back up until you feel sleepy again. Leave the bedroom and go to another room.
  2. Limit any brain stimulating activities such as video games, social media, laptops and television at least an hour before bedtime.  
  3. Stick to a sleep schedule even on the weekends.
  4. Practice a relaxing bedtime ritual.  Calm activity such as reading, stretching, deep breaths, or meditation.
  5. Avoid naps during the day if possible.
  6. Exercise daily.
  7. Avoid bright lights in the evening to prevent the natural circadian rhythm from being interrupted.
  8. Evaluate the room to ensure there are no distractions, lights, or sounds that may interrupt your sleep.
  9. Sleep on comfortable mattress and pillows. Ensure it is a cool environment.
  10. Avoid caffeine, alcohol, and heavy meals in the evening.

These are things that I need to work on again because they are no longer habits since I moved to this new apartment back in March and started a new job.

Then with surgery happening in May my sleeping area is altered.  It has been challenging.

I know that as time goes along and I will get back into my better habits. I will become the better version of myself again. Right now the focus is on recovery and rehabilitation from the shoulder surgery and the pending hand surgery.

Taking it one day at a time with positive thoughts that things will get better.

I am in control of myself, my thoughts, and my actions.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Have an amazing week!

Take care and be safe out there!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes to you, always!