July 10, 2020
Summertime is supposed to be the easy time of the year. Vacations, warm breezes, and laid back attitude, but not this season.
This year we face a pandemic, quarantine, joblessness, and uncertainty. In my own personal life this has affected those around me and not in a positive way. It has shown me who people truly are.
It has also shown me who I am as a person and the things that I need to change going forward.
As I mentioned in previous writings, I was involved with someone that I met online over two years ago. The person I thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with as naïve as that may sound.
This morning, I ended things, once and for all. We kept having a fight over his social media accounts. He had blocked me on everything as he had done many times before so I assumed that this would just blow over, but it dragged on for the last two months. I just came out and asked him and he stated that he would never allow me to be on any of them.
That was unacceptable to me. It was the place where we started this relationship so why would he keep anything from me now? It was the place where I could find things that may interest him. He thought I was using it to spy on him. If you are not doing anything wrong, as was stated before, then what was the problem?
I had to accept the reality that I was never that important to him to be front and center in his life; I was always just this option to him if other things weren’t working out with whoever else was in his life.
Maybe he was truly a scammer, which I hate to think about, because I believed he was an honest person. I had put my faith and trust into him. Yet, despite having this in him, he never had it in me stating the reason why I should not be concerned with the other people in his life was because they were not important. Curious as to why he held onto information about them so tightly then?
Actions always speak louder than words. This much I have learned in life.
Disappointment is the word for today but relief is the other side of it. I will no longer have to face another day of hurt feelings, crying out of loneliness, and made to feel used or unwanted anymore.
Instead, I will focus on other things and myself going forward. I will continue on with the plans that I was working towards when I met him, that hasn’t changed despite some setbacks. I just have to adjust them and keep going.
I also realized the last week that I need to break out of the habit of going back to people that I made a decision to not talk to again because it’s easy. There was a reason I quit talking to them in the first place. I made the mistake of starting a chat with someone I talked to on and off over the last year and had met before the online relationship because I was feeling lonely. Then the weirdness came out and I remembered why I quit talking to him.
I had to learn the lesson that relationships are imperfect and so am I. I expect so much, maybe too much, from people that when they don’t meet them, I feel like it is my fault without really looking at all the signs that were there but chose to ignore. I tried to stay positive and hopeful that it would work out only to be hurt by it later. I would always blame myself thinking that the reason it failed was because I wasn’t good enough. It would become this endless self-degrading cycle until I finally imploded and had to let go.
I need to remember to stick with my gut instincts when things are going wrong or not moving smoothly. This applies to both people and situations. I have always followed my instincts but began believing that maybe I was overreacting to things so ignored it. Not anymore.
Everyone keeps telling me that maybe I just need to be alone and on my own for a while. I’ve been on my own for pretty much my whole life going from one relationship to another unsuccessfully. In the process, losing a little bit of myself each time and having to rebuild my self-esteem.
I want someone in my life to share things with who wants me there too. I don’t expect to be taken care of but having someone who wants to achieve goals together and including me in the process would be great. I don’t expect to solve their problems nor should they expect to solve mine. I want a person who can be there as a shoulder to cry on without judgment and take any of my concerns seriously without becoming demeaning about the situation.
Honesty, integrity, and being an open communicator are paramount to any successful relationship. This is where others in my life failed before. I spent a good part of my adult life not telling people how I felt then when I started counseling that changed. I want a person to feel comfortable enough with me to hold in confidence how they feel no matter what. I want to become an important part of someone’s life.
These are the ideals that I have about relationships. I guess they are too lofty. I assumed that any mature male would possess them but have been wrong over and over again.
I have not given up hope though.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
Have a great week!
Take care and be safe.
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes to you.