Searching for happiness; evaluating myself.

July 24, 2020

It has been 3 days since the online relationship of 2 ½ years essentially ended. He said that it wasn’t over but he needed time to find himself again. I stopped following him on Facebook and Twitter then yesterday he blocked me on Facebook. I felt this pit of nausea in my stomach when I realized that.  I checked Whats App and haven’t been blocked there or Instagram yet. I wasn’t following him on Instagram though he was having troubles logging in and couldn’t access it.  I’m sure he will do that soon.

I knew things were going amiss shortly after Mother’s Day in May. He had sent me this really sweet note praising me for being a great mother and how happy he was to be with me.  2 days later we had this tremendous argument and he blocked me on his accounts.  He just recently as of a week ago just added me back.  Then the final argument occurred.

I was scrolling through Twitter and noticed a Tweet he had tagged this woman in. I thought it was very inappropriate despite him saying the woman had a boyfriend. It was a tweet to tag your 3rd @ to recreate this scene. It was two people obviously having sex in a shower with the woman’s breasts all mashed up against the shower door it was very graphic.

What kind of guy tags another guy’s girlfriend in a post like that?

I got mad and confronted him because it wasn’t the first time this had happened just a different woman. I also realized that this particular account we had argued about back in March because of post he made that included her account then.

He recently sent me a video of supposedly looking at fabrics in a market with her because she sews clothing. I asked all kinds of questions about all of it and what guy hangs out with another guy’s girlfriend?

I know we live in different countries and grew up in different cultures but I’m pretty sure the same rules of dating still apply.  Unless they had always been friends then yeah, that may be different. I wouldn’t know because he never talked about his women friends or let me get to know them myself. It was a constant point of argument. He told me to mind my own business.

After being married for 17 years and finding out that my ex-husband had most likely been cheating on me during that whole time, I think I have right to questions certain behaviors.

If the person can’t answer honestly and openly about it without arguing then what is the point of being together? A relationship should not have secrets especially ones that will hurt the other person emotionally.  Being hurt emotionally is the hardest to get over. The expectations of it happening again are automatically there from that point forward.

Knowing that things were not working and he wouldn’t talk to me about anything I made the decision that maybe it was time to start moving on. I did, starting about two weeks ago. 

Prior to that I was only answering direct messages that I received on Instagram to figure out which accounts were scammers then reporting and blocking them.  It still is an almost daily occurrence and I have no idea why?  I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone. I don’t have a job or an income right now due to both surgery and the pandemic.  So it seems pointless to me.

12 days ago I responded to a reply on a post I made and then the person sent me a direct message.  I checked out the account and everything seemed normal. No obvious red flags to me and he was a normal looking person. He appeared to be nice looking, average and in his mid-30’s, older but not too old.  We have been texting back and forth regularly for 3 days now.  I am trying to maintain a positive outlook on this and hopefully things will go well.

It is during this past few weeks that I started reevaluating myself and why did the relationships not work?

In the previous writing I stated that I am fundamentally broken when it comes to forming relationships. It was a topic of discussion during therapy that I have trouble setting boundaries with people which causes me to get hurt by it. Because of the depression and anxiety it just keeps replaying over and over again.

I have trouble with boundaries because growing up I didn’t have consistent parenting in my life. I didn’t have any boundaries and I was bounced around between relatives then ending up with my grandparents until I was about 9 years old. That’s when my mother decided that it was time for me to live with them. The abuse started shortly after that until I was about 18 years old and left to join the military.

To be constantly in fear affects your mentality and the ability to distinguish what is right or wrong sometimes.  This state of mental anxiety does not allow you to grow emotionally. I became this loner all through elementary until high school. I was painfully shy and also had anger issues. I was bullied a lot in school until I graduated.

Then I joined the military. There is no room for indecisiveness, being shy, and the inability to speak up was looked down upon. You were expected to be team player because your fellow soldier was depending on you. I excelled when I was in the military.  I was this whole different person who didn’t take crap from anybody to include boyfriends. I went after what I wanted and if I failed it didn’t faze me because I would try again. I was really happy and content during those almost four years away from home.  I really don’t know how I got to this point of being totally opposite of that.

I came home and turned into this emotional wreck.  I was still this person who wouldn’t take crap from people but now I was up against the community around me. It was a whole different playing field. Instead of letting it stop me it actually fueled this fire inside of me to excel even more. I was trying to prove my worth but in all actuality I had no idea who I was trying to prove it to? It just turned people off to knowing me as person. It has been a lonely existence the last 27 years.

I realized in recent months that it doesn’t matter. People are who they are. If they don’t like you for whatever reason then just let it go because you will never change their mind or opinion of you. They have their reasons and it may be a really stupid reason but it’s theirs.

We cannot deny people’s own judgment of others but when it comes to racism, bigotry, or chauvinism which is clearly based on something that cannot be changed that’s when we need to step in. Those forms of judgment only hurt society as a whole and should not be the norm. It is time we move past that way of thinking which serves no purpose in accelerating us as human beings to a different level.

A person who acts like a jerk though may not realize that they are behaving that way until someone points it out. It could be just their own way of reacting to others. Sometimes a person doesn’t know or may be uninformed about the things they say.  I have never had a problem pointing it out or protecting someone from it if needed or warranted. I will always stand up for others if they need me to. That’s just who I am.

This pandemic, quarantine, joblessness, and recovery from surgery have had me thinking about myself a lot lately. I needed to figure out what I truly want in a lasting relationship and why I don’t have it by now? I’m almost 50 years old. I know there are a lot of people out there that didn’t find their soulmate until later in life but impatient me wants it right now.  I know that’s not realistic and I have to learn to be flexible in a relationship. I’m still a work in progress.

Going forward, I’m still going to be this driven person who’s trying to succeed.  The success I seek is financial stability for me and my children which will provide a safety net if we need it. The financial success will also provide for my own future retirement. I don’t plan on working forever. I want to start my own business one day but still not exactly sure what that looks like yet. I have a million ideas and just not enough time to implement them all.

When it comes to relationships, I will state at the beginning my expectations and not be afraid to do so. If the person balks at it and walks away, I’m not going after them. I will let them go and move on. I’m done crying over people who really just didn’t care in the first place.

If the person suddenly changes direction of who they are during the relationship I won’t be afraid to state my dislike for it and will question their intent.  If they don’t like it then they can walk away and I won’t stop them. I am in this for the long run not the short.

I won’t be afraid to let the person love me. This has always been the hardest part of the relationship. I always feel like that I’m being pressured to be better physically, mentally, and emotionally because I think they are passing judgment on me, will see these flaws, disapprove of them, and then leave.  Yet it was my own anxiety, depression, and misperceptions that got in my way.  

They liked me from the beginning, stayed with me but my own mind self-destructed through assumption and worry causing issues. No matter how much they tried to reassure me, I couldn’t see past my own self-doubt.

I will try to maintain the same confidence they saw in me at the beginning. I won’t let the anxiety or depression determine my course of action. I will use logical thinking and won’t let the other person disrespect me in any way. If they are in a relationship with me it has to be with just me. I am an old fashioned person who believes that.  I’m too old to change beliefs now. 🙂

So here is what I’ve come up with so far during this self-evaluation:

  1. I have to be flexible in a relationship.

There are no set rules in life. Sometimes they have to be bent or broken to keep things going.

2. I will still be this driven person who’s trying to succeed.

We both need to understand and be supportive of each other. It’s a two way street.

3. I will state at the beginning my expectations and not be afraid to do so.

The expectations have to be reasonable to both people otherwise it won’t work.

4. I won’t be afraid to state my dislikes and to question their intent.

The behavior of both can be called out if it is something causing harm or changing the dynamic.

5. I won’t be afraid to let the person love me.

The ability to be loved and to love someone in return should come easily and not be forced.

6. I will use logical thinking and won’t let the other person disrespect me in any way.

We are grown up people with our own identities but we should also keep each other in check.

7. I will try to maintain the same confidence they saw in me at the beginning.

They are there because they saw something in me that I may not see.  I have to take a chance.

8. I won’t let the anxiety or depression determine my course of action.

The feelings are only temporary and I know how to work through them. I’ve survived worse.

So that’s quite a few self-evaluation items that I have gone through the past few weeks.

It seems like a lot but in reality it’s pretty simple. The basics of human kindness and caring for not only others but for oneself is the only way a relationship will survive.

This new person I’m talking to seems to have it together. He’s older and has his own goals he’s trying to achieve. We’ve already discussed a few important things related to getting to know each other so there’s an understanding there.

We’ve had some great conversations so far and they haven’t been one sided. I like that that back and forth discussion.

Since he works and I don’t plus there is two hour time difference between us we discussed when we could actually chat but he assured me that he would just check in and see how I am doing during the day. So far he has been true to his word.

I put out there the possibility of calling and video chat at some point is important and he agreed.

We are taking this very slow. Neither of us is very sure about this process but willing to give it a try. I look forward to getting to know him better.

If it doesn’t work for whatever reason then I know it will be fine and it’s not the end of the world.

All I can do is say that at least I tried but did not give up on my hope, faith, and belief.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Have a great week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes to you!

Take care and be safe.

Suzanne

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