Random Musings

Looking for love: In all the wrong places.

August 4, 2020

It happened again.  I was talking to a new person the last couple of weeks. Things seemed to be going well and then it happened. That one odd moment where something just didn’t seem right and I knew it was going to end soon.

This particular moment involved him asking me to login and create an account for this online banking site. He stated he wanted to help me because I’m currently unemployed. I did not bring up wanting help from him at all.  I knew that something was wrong especially when he kept reassuring me that he wasn’t like the others and I should learn to trust him. That was a big red flag for me but I proceeded with caution and told him no. He said it was a mistake.  I knew that if he was trying to run a scam that he would back off and suddenly become busier than usual.  That’s exactly what happened a few days later.

Instead of waiting around for the other shoe to drop I started digging into his background. He was using a business account on Instagram so I checked the email address. It was a woman’s name. I didn’t think it was too unusual because he said his wife had passed away and because he recently updated pictures it could have been an account they shared.  The stories section of his Instagram went back to more than a year so it wasn’t a new account. I had already checked who he was following and who was following him. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I also ran a check of his pics to see if they came up as scam related and found nothing.

Then I looked at the posts where his account was tagged. I found a post where he responded but the person called him sister and it was to a different account with same email name. This meant the account name had been changed too. I still didn’t think anything of it because he had stated he decided it was time to start talking to others so he could have changed everything on the account. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I next took the WhatsApp business phone number and ran it through my spam/fraud app on my phone. He said it was his business line and he was located in California. The number came up as a business line in California. I was beginning to think maybe I was overreacting.  Then again my instincts were saying something else, keep digging.

So I ran a search of the email name and found a LinkedIn account. I went and looked through the account. It was an account for a woman whom I presumed to be his former spouse. First thing I found was the business phone number was the same. I was like okay he already said it was a business line they could have been partners in the business or using the same phone line.  We had not gotten into that discussion yet about his supposed previous spouse or how or when she passed away.

Then I looked at the posts and comments section on the account. That’s when the second and final red flag went up. There was a comment from the account to another LinkedIn accounts post, a month ago.  I was so disappointed and upset. I had once again been duped by a scammer.

So I screenshot everything, put it all together in a collage of pics, texted it to him on WhatsApp and asked “So what’s up with all this?” He immediately blocked me on WhatsApp and I checked Instagram and I was blocked there too.  I guess I got my answer. Such a disappointment yet again but I just don’t understand why? I reported the accounts to LinkedIn, WhatsApp, and Instagram plus sent the information to a few accounts that are posting information about scam accounts.

There’s this song that came out in 1980 from the movie Urban Cowboy called “Lookin’ for love” by Johnny Lee and some of the lyrics of the song play through my head every time I get put through this situation or scenario “…I was lookin’ for love in all the wrong places, lookin’ for love in too many faces, searchin’ their eyes and lookin’ for traces of what I’m dreamin’ of. Hopin’ to find a friend and a lover…” that’s the basic gist of the song.  It’s about looking for something that doesn’t exist or is not present just anywhere. If you keep searching for it that way you’ll never truly find it.

That brings me to the person I was talking to for 2 ½ years, Ghabriel, the way too young man.  Well during the last couple of weeks he decided that he needed time to find himself. I was pretty upset over it.  I guess he realized I was still using WhatsApp and it wasn’t to talk to him. He started messaging me this past week. Just simple “Hello, how are you” type messages.  Then the other day he got upset at me and wanted to know about the “New” boyfriend that I had. I have no idea why he even cared. He was the one that walked away but I wasn’t going to get into it with him feigning jealously, now, after all this time.  I told him it was just talking same as others before which was true.

We got into a big discussion about us and right now I don’t know what he wants except he stated I would have to play by his rules. That’s a move out of my own playbook.  I did not respond to it and reminded him that we have been playing by his rules this whole time.  He has the ability to just up and leave whenever he wants, he lives in a place where all his history is at, and I am not a part of it. I have to wait for him to message or video chat. I am essentially alone here where I am at. I have no one. No friends and no family. I told him if he wanted to walk away there was nothing I could do but stand there and let it happen. I have no control over any of this. All I can do is voice my thoughts and opinions on things but that’s it.  We did not finish that discussion.  It has just been general conversation since then so I still don’t know what we are doing. Moving forward together or separate was never clarified.

All of this brings me to my reason for this article. Scammers are looking in the wrong place and I have no idea why I am on that path?  I know through reading different articles and posts on scammer or groups of scammers that people that have been scammed before are on this supposed “list”.  The only problem is the scammers for some reason think I have something of value to give but I have to say they are wrong.

The very first scammer in 2017 seemed to know about my ex-husband’s passing and having a life insurance policy. He had mentioned it during a conversation asking what I did with the money.  I explained that after paying off the funeral expenses and final debts, everything was split between our kids and the rest we lived on for a year while I was still in grief and morning.  The kids used it to fund their colleges and education needs. We had nothing left after that first year.

That brings me to being retired. I had a scammer ask me about how much I made as a retired veteran? The exact amount at this time is zero. I don’t make anything as a retired veteran. When you retire from the Guard and Reserves of the United States Air Force you do not start drawing retirement pay until you turn 60 years old.  I am currently 49 so that still gives me 11 years before I start drawing that pension. I still have to work until then.

Current work, I am unemployed due to the surgery, not earning anything and have no savings.  I had to apply for government assistance and my kids help with the cellphone bill and money for groceries/gas but that is really all they can afford but I am grateful for their help.  I drive a 16 year old car that has no value plus damage to the driver’s window. I have mismatched set of home furnishings, arts & crafts items, 2nd hand clothes, and 2 cats.  That’s it.  It isn’t exciting or even profitable. I live a boring existence.

Despite telling this to scammers and con artists why do they still insist in talking to me and pretending to want a relationship?  It doesn’t make any sense to me.

Then today I read an article about a woman that was turned into a drug and money mule by a group of scammers.  She unknowingly carried drugs into the airport and got arrested.  So do the scammers really believe that I’m going to just get up and go fly away to an unknown country to meet them because I appear to be that lonely and desperate? Well the answer is no.

If I meet someone online it is because they talked to me first and actively pursued me.  It has never been the other way around. I don’t and have never pursued a man that I was interested in.  If it was meant to be then they will let me know if they are interested.  So if I am to meet someone in person they have to show up here on my own turf. That’s playing by my rules.

I have been in a lot of relationships from the first boyfriend to the last lover I had which was 2016.  In all of those relationships they pursued me and it wasn’t the other way around. If they decided that they didn’t want to be around me anymore then they left and I wasn’t about to stop them or beg them to stay.  All I ever wanted was the truth of why they were leaving and never got any answers. I’ve always been too focused on my own needs, goals, and aspirations but I would always find time to have a relationship by working it into my life.  It never became my whole life with the exception of the marriage but that was due to my traditional belief in marriage until “Death do us part”.

This is me completely upfront and honest with whoever chooses to read this.  So I keep moving and going.  I meet people online and most have been dishonest about their intentions which are saddening to me.  There no longer appears to be the pure relationships.

Those pure relationships where two people meet, hit it off really well, make each other laugh and smile, then the attraction grows. Once it starts to grow it turns into mental, emotional, and physical love for one another. If they are lucky then their bond turns into something permanent and they begin a life together. They grow together, possibly have a family, explore the world together and then spend their last days together.  That’s a pure relationship.  That’s real love. It is not quick or easy and it takes work to keep it going.

The things I see today in the media are just snippets of the relationship but no one knows if it is based on love for one another or something else. Everything moves too quickly and there’s no time to just step back and examine your life choices.  If you are ambitious then you sometimes don’t even have time for anything or anyone else. That’s what I believe anyway.

I have just been lookin’ for love in all the wrong places.

Speaking of wrong places one I initially tried is an actual online dating site. Despite that first attempt going really wrong with the scammer I decided to give it another try. So I downloaded an app for a dating site, set up my profile of likes and dislikes then waited to see if anyone was interested by just that generic criteria.

I was really surprised that I had messages and likes on my profile.  After scrolling through the supposed matches, I had to change my criteria of what I was looking for though. Unfortunately, most were way too old for me by 10 to 15 years. My ex-husband was 8 years older than me so I am not going down that path again I will take 1 to 2 years older but that’s my max.  Also, when people decide to try a dating website they should really have a friend look at their profile and picture.  Most of them looked like mugshots which was a complete turn off for me anyway or they looked like they just rolled out of bed.

The other issue was their profile statement that’s supposed to tell a little about themselves.  Usually the number one rule is to not bash your ex not matter what happened.  You are starting over new so tell the positive things about yourself and what your goals are or what you like to do. 

I haven’t answered any messages yet mainly because I was more curious about whether I would get any responses or not.  I don’t think I’m ready just yet to start a relationship with an actual person.  I am still in recovery mode and focused on making sure that my daily needs are being met.  So the dating app will be put on the back burner for now.

Well that’s where things are at the moment. As always, things continually change each day and all we can do is keep moving forward.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a great week!

Take care and be safe.

Peace, love, good vibes, and happiness to you!


Link to song/video: “Looking for love” by Johnny Lee 

Looking for Love video via YouTube