It is Labor Day, not that I really care at the moment, because I’m not working. I’m still unemployed and recovering from injury.
That is only a part of my daily life at the moment. The other part has been trying to meet someone online. (Insert eye roll here :))
Well I went back to the dating apps again, Tinder first then another one called Zoosk. Tinder did not go well at all because there were too many scam accounts that I recognized from Instagram. I did meet one person on there and actually met him in person. I then tried Zoosk and also met two people from that app as well.
This past Saturday, I actually went a date with a third person, and that’s when things really went awry.
First the Tinder date. He seemed like a nice guy. His profile stated he did not smoke or drink, was divorced and had 2 kids. He definitely stretched the truth.
He was a really nice guy, who smoked, which I could overlook, possibly. He has two kids both under the age of 3 which I was not expecting. He was also a recovering alcoholic that had only been sober for 5 months.
Lastly, and the most important part of his missing profile, he was separated, not divorced and still very much in love with his wife.
I found out all of this during the two days I spent hanging out with him and his kids. I was disappointed to say the least but understood what he is going through.
I told him we could still be friends which is a rarity for me to do when it comes to someone I was interested in dating but I had no attachment to him. I hope that he works things out to where he wants it to be because he deserves a second chance.
Second meeting of a new person was from Zoosk. We chatted on the app then moved the conversation over to our actual numbers where we talked on the phone.
He seemed funny, nice and wanted to meet. So I said sure. The day we were supposed to have dinner I had a fire at my apartment complex and there had been miscommunication between us earlier in the day.
I spoke to him and he told to come on over and that I could do my laundry there. So I went, we hung out, watched a movie, and he cooked me dinner which was our plan from the beginning.
Then it became obvious that the only thing he wanted was to have sex. He was not really interested in a relationship unless that meant being at his beck and call. That definitely was not for me. So I texted him it was a no-go for me and that was the end of that.
This latest person was an actual date. The first one I have been on in over 20 years. I was nervous to say the least.
We actually had been chatting the whole time on the app even during my disastrous two previous attempts. Texting back and forth these long conversations that would sometimes go on for hours or several times a day.
It was nice having an actual conversation about things even just random things like basketball or movies. My profile had my pictures on it so he knew what I looked like but he was disappointed at my appearance when we met.
I have some dental issues that I still don’t have the money to fix unless I just want the clinic to pull the teeth which is a no for me. I have also put on weight this past year from not focusing on taking care of myself. Job losses and an injury then surgery have all culminated in depressive binge eating episodes.
After the date, I wasn’t sure if had gone well, so I texted. He didn’t really respond and his texts were short. I knew something was up so I asked. That’s when he told me that I wasn’t that attractive to him. I felt like a tiny bit of my soul had been crushed. To hear those words brought back a lot of bad memories for me.
I had a meltdown of sorts, sobbing, crying, and feeling really bad. I made a blubbering video and posted it on my social media just to get the emotions out. I told him how I felt and then I logged off my account to regroup and regain my composure. I went for a long walk and then spent that day mulling things over asking why it made me feel so bad?
The feeling of inadequacy is all that I knew during the last years of my marriage. My ex-husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. He would make comments about my hair, my body, my clothes, the way I talked, the things I thought, and generally just make me feel less every chance he got.
He told me I was not beautiful or attractive enough for others and that he had dated prettier women than me.
I remember a conversation we were having over money when we separated where he stated he wanted his vasectomy reversed. I said something like he didn’t want more kids. He said “No, I just didn’t want to have any more with you.”
It was those hurtful and cruel words that destroyed my self-esteem and confidence even further to the point I didn’t see any reason to keep on living. That period of time in my life was the darkest point that I reached.
Now, here was this new person, that I really liked, but to him I was not attractive enough in person. My confidence and ego was bruised. I was bruised but not broken. I know what broken is like and that I will never go back to again.
After I spent the day mulling things over, I awoke this morning with a feeling of calm. Normally, an emotional crisis moment that I have had previously would carry over into the next day.
Today was different. I took the time to thoroughly write out why I got upset and let him know more about me. I wasn’t really that comfortable with letting him know everything about me until I actually met him and told him that as well. It is big deal to me to instill my trust into someone. It has taken years of therapy to be able verbalize how I feel and what I expect.
I made a secondary video and posted it to my social media about how felt the next day and that I was going to be okay. I had regrouped and regained my composure.
So as of this writing it turned into a conversation about us as people and what we were expecting. I don’t know if he’ll respond further after my last texts but I know that I finally got to say what I was feeling directly to the person and not hiding from it like I did with others.
This is one of the texts that I wrote:
“So if you have read through all of this then I want to thank you. Thank you for being honest and making me realize that I’m not as ready as I thought to be attempting a relationship again. I forgot that not only am I seeking that right first impression the other person is seeking it too. I need to continue working on my own needs first before including the right person into my life again.”
Who knows maybe we’ll end up being friends. I don’t have any of those at the moment. So that’s a good start.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a great week ahead!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes!