Random Musings

Autumn depression


It is now October.  The year has gone by so quickly.

Fall time is usually the worst time of year for my depression.  It starts in September and lasts until spring.  I am not really sure why?

After much therapy, counseling, and doctor visits they believed it is the lack of sunlight and the fact that my Vitamin D levels are always low.  I’ve been on a supplement for quite some time now.  I personally cannot tell the difference so I just go with the flow.

I am currently in the process of applying for disability benefits through not only the Social Security Administration for the shoulder surgery which is still an ongoing process as far as recovery goes but I am also applying for VA disability benefits for issues related to my military service.

In this process I had to fill out this form that listed all my workplaces for the last 15 years. After looking through everything just in the last 7 years it was disheartening.

I have been in and out of jobs 16 different times since 2014.  That was shortly after I retired from the military and also started the process of getting a divorce.

16 different places of employment and the longest held positions were for 1 year and another for 10 months.  After I wrote that out on the application form I felt so disappointed in myself. Then listing out my residences of where I stayed the during that same time period, I moved 7 times. I was temporarily homeless 2 of the 7 times.

Unemployment and homelessness are symptoms of mental illness.  When I worked with homeless veterans we saw it all the time but most would not go to counseling or seek help because they believed they were fine.  It wasn’t fine and I think about them a lot because I personally understand where they have been.  I’ve walked in those shoes.

The only difference is when I turned to self-destructive habits to ease my pain, I eventually stopped.  I stopped smoking, drinking, gambling, and spending. The only thing I have not gotten under control is binge eating.

I personally never saw the point to drugs and not having some sort of control over your own self. I don’t like being out of control.  It’s that aggressive and competitive side of my nature that has protected me for a long time.

Instead I turned it inward and destroyed my inner self. I let the storm that was building for years, in my mind, self-destruct and tried to end everything. That was me at my lowest and darkest point.

Then one day something changed my perspective about myself.  It was the words from a complete stranger that made me think of who I am in a different way.  Granted, he wasn’t really a true person but the words were impactful and made me believe in myself.  It was temporary patch over the wounded heart and soul that was me.

Yet despite this small band aid over my self-esteem, I still continued to self-destruct.  This is evident in the 16 different jobs that I went through during this past 6 years and now heading into the 7th year.  I reasoned my way through each job that “I wasn’t happy” and it is true.  Very few of the job positions I was in actually kept my interest so I left.  If it wasn’t the less than intriguing workplace then it was the difficulty in just maintaining a working relationship with others. All of these actions equate to my depression and anxiety. It has had a major impact on my life thus far.

I am currently jobless again. This time it is under different circumstance with an injury and surgery but the feeling of being useless and unable to contribute to my bills, food, gas and other household needs is overwhelming.  The depression is weighing on me.

Even though the depression is there I have made efforts to quell those thoughts through trying to stay and being active. I started taking a college math class, I talk to people online more, and I continue writing.  I also started walking every other day and working on dropping weight I gained this past year.

The hardest part is the loneliness with all the kids now out on their own and the pandemic. Night time is especially hard because of the quiet.  Not being able to go out to places and being wary of the public in general makes it hard.  The anxiety has gone up more.  The places I used to go to just to be around others are no longer appealing or safe because of the risk of exposure.  People in my part of the world are just not taking it seriously and you see it every day.  I do not go out very often.

Now more than ever I have to turn my focus to my own well-being. Finding what makes me happy again with my current limitations has been a hit and a miss.

There are things that I want to do but my arm limits that and it’s frustrating.  I want to work out more but unable to do pushups, lift weights or some of the yoga positions I learned previously even with modifications. I have no strength in the arm and limited flexibility.  I am still not in physical therapy which compounds the frustration. 

I just want to be on the other side of this and not being very patient in having to wait.  I feel disappointed in myself almost on a daily basis.  I think I should be doing more even though everyone keeps telling me to rest and take it easy. That has never been me, being complacent and not working on something.

So I try to make plans for when I am more mobile again but it is hard to envision that.  I used to be great at mapping a plan out but struggle with it right now. It is hard to maintain and keep focus on one thing at a time. I feel scattered.

I moved into this apartment this past March and started working non-stop around the same time. I haven’t fully unpacked my belongings mainly because I just don’t feel like this is a permanent home yet. It is that not knowing where the funds will come from or if they even will that is keeping me from feeling secure about my living situation. It is also boredom and just not having any interest in setting up my home until I know for certain that I will be staying here for a while. It is being overly cautious.

Insecurity coupled with the depression and anxiety is also causing insomnia. I know that logically I really shouldn’t be worried so much because things will work out the way it supposed to work out. It always has for me.  That is the hope, faith, and belief in the power of sending out positive energy into the universe, it will come back positive.

So why would I make myself more insecure, depressed, and anxiety filled by not sleeping? It becomes this endless loop that I can take control over.  It is the same advice I keep getting; rest and take it easy.  I do know that the naps I take during the day are not helping and I should curb those.

I know that this space that I occupy on the World Wide Web is just my own place for venting and getting those thoughts out.  It has become this important place for me to express my viewpoints.  It is why I keep writing and working through the thoughts that invade my mind at times.

The person I met on a dating app continues to talk me through things as well as my children and online friends.  Everyone is being reassuring that things will work out and not to worry so much.  It is hard to let go of my own ability to take action on things and leave it in the hands of others.  That is one thing that I’ve never been able to do, relinquish my hold on things and give it to someone else. This whole process is a government run programs and I have no control over any of it so I will have to wait.

As another day winds down and I try to stay busy until I start getting sleepy the only thoughts at the moment are that we, all of us to include you the reader, stay positive, motivated, and keep moving forward.

Keep those vibes good and send out those hopeful thoughts that this current crisis we are in will begin subsiding.  Pray or send that energy for those who were lost and the families they left behind.

Remember we are all in this together. We are the human race.  There is only the perceived difference between us that keeps us at a standstill and the unwillingness to learn about each other that keeps us from continuing to grow.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes to you, always!