It is a Sunday afternoon.
As I sat here today working on my blog site and still unable to get it to link to my Facebook page the thoughts about people kept coming up.
I recently viewed someone’s Facebook page. It was a person I knew from middle to high school. I have been having these random dreams lately of people that I knew from when I was a kid. So I have been going out into the social media sites to see if I can find them and see what they are up to.
I was really surprised that this person was still friends with the people we went middle and high school with and from the various posts it looks like most of them had been married to one another or in relationships at different points in time within the same group. I thought that was kind of odd.
I know my sister who was younger than us but was also in similar groups and they are the same way. Strange, that they didn’t find people outside of their cliques.
I understand that people don’t necessarily move away from their hometowns and live a life somewhere else but these people were the top of our class or the most popular when we graduated. They were the ones everyone expected to be successful in life and go off into the world make great strides or to save it. Yet, it doesn’t seem like that exactly happened that way but once again I don’t talk to them so I am not sure what they do.
There were a few that I knew of that did leave home, went to colleges out of state, or went into the military but here they are back in our hometown, living, married, divorced, retired, raising kids, and working here. Some were even still living in the same neighborhoods and homes they grew up in.
I can’t figure out what happened?
Then I remembered our ten year class reunion and it made me feel well rather smug.
I was never exactly this outgoing or vocal person. Years of growing up in an abusive home made me painfully shy and made it even harder to trust people. I didn’t have any friends’ really just acquaintances that I knew from my classes. It was like that all the way through my primary education and well into college.
I was married, had 2 kids and was pregnant with my third when our 10 year high school reunion was scheduled. I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to go or not but my then husband thought it would be a good idea. I had told him that I did not have any friends in high school and that was the truth. He saw it first hand during the reunion.
During our picnic at the park next to our high school they had put up a bouncy house for the kids and had spots set up for people to bring their own picnics. There was this main meeting or check in place. I got out of the car with my kids as my husband gathered up our picnic stuff, chairs and a blanket.
I was walking towards our picnic check in and my kids ran off to get in line for the bounce house. As I approached the table I saw people I knew so I smiled and waved at them. They just looked at me and never said anything. Not even a hello or a wave back.
I was standing at the table listening to their conversations when I heard someone say “Who is that?” and I turned around and saw them pointing at my husband who was walking towards us. They were going back and forth with one another trying to determine who he was. I said it was my husband and one of them replied “Oh, it’s nobody then”. I just stood there and felt so embarrassed. They went on with their gossiping about people who had stopped by that morning. Not one of them even acknowledged me or talked to me at all.
My husband had heard the persons comment and looked at me waiting for a response but I was upset because I had just gotten blown off by these people who were supposedly my “friends”. Instead he just announced rather loudly, “Well this looks lame and boring, I’m going to grab the kids and meet you at the car.” I became even more embarrassed because that caused them to turn around and just stare me down. I just walked away and we left. It had only been 15 minutes.
I cried in the car all the way home. He kept talking about how they were all jerks and I should have stood up for myself. That didn’t make me feel any better. He apologized later but then asked if I wanted to go to that evening’s dinner or not.
We went ahead since the tickets and meal were already paid for plus I had already bought a new dress to wear for the event. I had been looking forward to a night out before I was to have another baby to take care of and also just to have time alone with him.
Once we were there I actually talked to a few people who were friendly towards me at the dinner. It was kind of surreal because in high school they never talked to me and I definitely was never in their circle of friends. Overall, it was an okay experience but I knew that I was never going to go to another reunion again.
Fast forward and it has now been 30 years since we graduated high school and these same rude people from the reunion are still here and still hanging out or in relationships with one another. Looking through their profile pictures they all seem so haggard, worn down, and so much older. The youthful and bright faces I remember are not there anymore. It made me feel kind of sad at first but then like I wrote earlier, that smug feeling crept in.
These were the same ones who looked down on anyone that was not as “smart” as they were or that didn’t live in their neighborhoods. Those neighborhoods are now considered run down or in the bad parts of the town but some of them still live there. Not all of them went off to college and got those fabulous degrees they kept talking about.
I used to admire them for being smart, funny, outgoing and seeming to have these wonderful lives that I could have only dreamt about. They were always polite to me and sometimes included me in conversations during school but not once did they ever talk to me outside of school. On that day of the reunion I felt like a total outsider to their world.
Now, having a small peek into their lives as portrayed on Facebook, I don’t know why I let them get to me during that one moment in my life? I expected them to be cordial and at least somewhat nice but they were not. I knew them in high school as this well-behaved, smart, group of people who were given whatever they wanted growing up they were our leaders in school. They didn’t have to work for anything unless they wanted to.
Yet, they lived in this safe bubble and never ventured outside of it. They took the safe routes and never strayed from the path very often. I guess in my mind they were better than me or least that is how I felt because of the life I grew up in.
I realize now that we were all given opportunities to grow some of us took those chances while others did not. We each determine how we are walking on this path of life. In the end when the life is over only we decide if it was a good life or not. That cannot be made by anyone else.
In my life I have been given obstacles and challenges to overcome that I have met each one head on while never budging or backing down. Every obstacle or challenge has made me stronger. In this strength I find my calm because I know that I can overcome it. It won’t be easy but things will work out the way they are supposed to. That is the hope, faith, and belief that has carried me my whole life.
The only thing I have never overcame is the loneliness. I don’t have any really close friends that I confide in. I have no one that is there for me if I am in need. There are only my children but I expect them to continue on growing in their own directions. I am still their mother first and friend second. I have my own parents and siblings but we have never been close and any help from them has a cost or price. I do not rely on them.
I grew up being self-reliant and proactive. I did not have a choice. Even in my darkest moments I had to make a choice as to whether to continue on in this life or not.
Hopefully any lingering thoughts about these people that have flittered in and out of my life have been satisfied. These people have no bearing on anything to do with my future instead they are just a part of the past. The past cannot be undone and only the future is before us.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
Have a great week ahead!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes always!