Time doesn’t always heal all wounds and that’s okay.
We are subjected to so much hurt through actions or words in our lifetime but it is especially hard hitting when it comes from someone we care about.
These have been my thoughts lately as I work through releasing the negativity in my life.
Trying to walk in a more positive light is a tremendous undertaking for me. I have been under this perpetual cloud of darkness since I was born.
There have been moments of clarity and light. Those are the memories that keep me moving forward. That is the hope, faith, and belief that was instilled me at early age from my grandparents.
As I work through this process of letting go of the negative thoughts and experiences that continually seem to hold me in place some realizations were made.
Relationships with men have been at the forefront of most of my writings. The in and out of relationships with the ensuing heartache have been overwhelming.
Taking moments to actually realize why I felt this way despite the fact that I sometimes didn’t always care about the guy. Assuming it was a bruised ego but it was actually something deeper than that.
I know that it directly relates to my relationship with my mother.
I grew up not knowing her very well. Even today as she tries to be my friend, I still hold her at arm’s length because I feel like there is no true trust there. I do not think that will ever truly change.
The inability to maintain healthy relationships with people whether romantically or otherwise has always been an issue for me. I learned that growing up.
I grew up seeing my mother being physically, verbally, and emotionally abused by her husband. I remember the bruises and her crying. I remember the anger I felt not only at him but at her for not defending herself.
Why didn’t she just fight back? I also remember the abuses inflicted on me as well and she didn’t fight for me either. That finally ended when I fought back and defended myself.
It wasn’t until I was married myself and dealing with an emotionally abusive husband that I began to realize it wasn’t that she couldn’t fight back, she was afraid to.
She was afraid to try and go alone in the world. She clung to him as a lifeline. I know she loves him despite their history but she never had any confidence in herself to try and be her own person.
I see the same in him as well. He couldn’t live without her either. Their generation was raised so differently than the way I grew up. I don’t know if that is the belief in marriage as a sacred pact or something else?
That is the difference between her and me. I wasn’t afraid to go on in the world on my own. I was always this independent person.
The ability to walk away from a bad marriage had to wait until the time was right. I waited until I retired from the military to begin this journey into the rest of my life on my own. I had finally had enough and wasn’t going to do it anymore.
Self-preservation and survival has always been paramount. It has been a long battle with myself ever since.
The question I have now is whether a romantic relationship is actually worth it anymore?
When I was in my teens to my 30’s it was necessary if I wanted to be married and have children. You had to have a romantic relationship with someone to achieve those things.
Now, I am an empty nester, retired, and almost 50. What is the point of a relationship now?
I don’t see a marriage as a necessity anymore. I can make my own money and buy whatever I want. I can go wherever I want to go and do what I want. I don’t have to coordinate schedules, finances, or take into consideration anyone else’s feelings on what I want to do.
I am too old to have children now so no more getting pregnant or raising a child worries.
All those long nights, sickness, birthday parties, school activities, homework, training, teaching, and helping them to grow into responsible adults. I did my part and put 4 more productive people into the world.
The only reason for a romantic relationship now is for companionship. Yet, some people are pretty happy having pets for companions. I prefer someone that actually converses back but having a dog is starting to look more appealing.
The anger and resentment I have had at the previous men in my life was because of disappointment.
I was disappointed that they could not see a future with me. They were so focused on the now and not the later. I have always been this person that sees the now and the future. All my actions are forward facing. I look at my life in increments of 5 years or more. Not many people plan their life that way but that is how I am as a person.
The person I choose to be with was chosen for a reason. I liked the conversations we had or they made me laugh. I felt good when I was with them. I felt safe and secure. I trusted in them. If I don’t feel these things then it won’t last. I have earned the right to have people in my life that are honest and trustworthy. All people have that right, men and women both.
The people in my life have to be forward thinkers with plans for their future. I am not there to support just your dreams you have to provide support for mine also.
Not once in my life did I expect anyone to provide financial support towards the things I wanted, I have always done that on my own.
I want someone that is supportive in my decisions and will help me navigate through things. If you can’t do that then it won’t work.
I already lived 17 years of my life with someone that battled with me every step of the way on the things that I wanted to accomplish. I won’t walk that path again.
It brings back to mind the saying my basic training instructor used to say “Put up, shut up, or get out of the way.” That is my mantra and always has been.
I am a strong willed person and it will take someone equally strong for me to even consider being involved with going forward. Everyone that I have talked to or met the last 7 years just didn’t have what I needed or I would have made more of an effort to keep them in my life. I realize that now.
I kept asking myself “Why am I struggling to find friends or even a boyfriend?” It is because the people I have met have not been what I need in my life. They were only momentary distractors from what I need to be doing. Just small side stops on this path.
I was feeling angry and upset thinking it was just something about me that they didn’t like not realizing that I actually didn’t completely like them either. I kept putting the blame on my own flaws and failed to see theirs too. I didn’t try to keep them in my life and let them go. If they meant that much to me, I would have tried harder and asked them to stay.
The right people that are to be in my life may eventually be found but life is always uncertain.
The only certainty is that I control how I respond and react to everything. I can feel angry about things and wallow in self-pity or I can keep moving forward.
I can lie here, feeling depressed, binge eating junk, and relive past hurts or I can get up.
I can make myself stronger physically, emotionally, and spiritually. That is the true person inside of me. That is the person that has been battling her whole life to be seen and heard.
This spirit that has love, kindness, and compassion to give back to others that actually want it. It has always been given freely to everyone that has crossed my path. That won’t change but wisdom and experience will prevail going forward.
The question of whether romantic relationships are worth it?
Yes, they absolutely are but only if you know yourself. If you know what you want, don’t want, or willing to overlook. We all have limits and need to remember that when interacting with others. No one will ever fit the mold exactly. We all have flaws and idiosyncrasies that repel some while others understand completely.
Human beings are imperfect.
We forget that when we get all wrapped up into someone else’s personality and attractiveness. It isn’t until the swooning wears off that we really notice them. Then we have the true person in front of us then what do we do? It will either continue to grow and build into a strong relationship or it won’t.
That’s the great thing about finding someone new. It is never set in stone until we say it is. Then the hard work begins to maintain it.
There has been a lot of self-reflection lately to come to these points to ponder.
To realize that not everyone we meet is meant to stay.
That every person we meet leaves a little bit of their personality with us. We keep the best memories and learn from the bad ones.
That is life and how it is supposed to be, a great learning experience.
We either change or we stand still.
I choose to keep moving.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a great week!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes always!
Take care and be safe out there.