2021 – Self-Preservation and Clutter

1/5/2021

Busy cleaning and working on things in my home this morning, as I listened to my audiobook. 

The topic of the audio book is writing.  It is titled “Stephen King – On writing, A memoir of the craft”.  I have been contemplating quite a long time about the possibility of pursuing writing a book or short stories, but creative writing has never been my strong suit.

King has been my favorite author since I was that shy, awkward girl from rural Oklahoma.  His stories helped me through some of the most difficult times of my adolescence into adulthood.

I remember those days of reading his books from beginning to end, well into the early morning hours. Those vivid images that played out in my mind, like a movie on the screen, from his written words.

It was these creative pursuits of writing, reading, and art that helped keep me moving forward.

It was a part of my own self-preservation.

Fast forward to thirty something years later and still finding creative outlets to add to my bag of self-care.

“We as human beings are fallible and the only thing that is different is our ability to survive and the decisions we make.”  That is the last text I wrote this afternoon to the person I thought would be there longer than 3 years.  That on again and off again relationship, that would never be fully realized, due to age difference, unresolved issues, and long distances.  I feel like this time he is finally moving on without me there in the background. 

Yet this time, my heart does not hurt, and my thoughts are clear.  I know that I tried my best, but some things are better left alone.  He knows where to find me if that is what he chooses to do.  I told him I would always be his friend a long time ago, and I meant it.

It is the same thing I have said to every person I ever had a relationship with, prior to him and the same to every person after him.  It is the least thing that I can offer.  If I make a promise that is the only thing that I can keep, my word. Unfortunately, no one ever came back. That became a part of the internal struggle of my own self-actualization.

This “letting go” is never easy and never will be.  Yet, in all my years of experience, it is necessary for one’s own well-being to go through the heartache and learn something new about yourself in the process.  It is growth. It is wisdom. It is knowledge.

Human beings were built to be these social creatures but at the same time we think and experience things independently of each other.  That is why we are unique and what makes us individuals.  That is also a major reason for discord among us.  It is a never-ending loop.

Sometimes, we as human beings, must experience life alone as individuals. I am learning to accept that idea and keep moving.  Trying to not fixate on the aloneness I feel is hard and the thoughts will come rushing forward.  I feel overwhelmed in those moments.  Paralyzed by the fear of being alone.

Then it subsides, leaving me feeling foolish for being so sentimental, lost in the rose-colored world that I created in my mind.  There were reasons why those relationships ended and why they moved on without me. 

I had let these so-called “Happy thoughts” play a bigger part in my life than they really should have. I became dependent on others and lazy when it came to my own ideal self.  I lost the happiness of just being me.

The things that made me happy growing up where reading, writing, and being creative.  

I was always drawn into the worlds of fantasy, science fiction, and the possibility of future worlds among the stars in the universe.  My childhood heroes were the likes of Stephen King, George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and Gene Roddenberry.  These were the things I found inspiration in as a young person growing up in the late 70’s and early 80’s. 

Then as I approached adulthood, I let people become my influencers.  I took in those harsh words, insults, physical attacks, and bullying tactics, letting it define who I was inside. All the while keeping that blank smile on the outside and building that wall around me.

I began wearing a mask to hide my true self.  Seldom did anyone take the time to really know me and what I liked.  It was always about them. That was my own fault for not making my voice be heard and shrinking myself to them.

Then 7 years ago I began finding my voice again when I chose self-preservation.  That is a conscience decision that one must make on their own.  No one can do this for you.

I walked away from the unhappiness that was my life and opened myself up to see what was still inside. To find that creative self again.  To find that laughter.  To find the things to inspire me.  To live my life.

The “Clutter” that we use as an excuse to stop the knowledge and pursuit of ideas needs to be pushed aside for a moment.  I say pushed aside because it will always be there.  If you have been dragging it around your whole life, then you can push it aside too.  Deal with it in small chunks until it is finally cleared.

The gathering of inspiration is all around us, but we must be willing to see it with our own eyes. A creative mind knows how to draw from the world around them and to create something out of it with their own two hands. A sunrise, a sunset, birds chirping, a warm cup of tea, the sound of rain on the roof, or the sight of a pet lazily stretching after a nap. These are the things that matter, but most will fill their days with regret and worry.  I was one of those people.

I forgot that each day was to be lived, experienced, and not just survived.

This past year and especially the last 7 months for me, have made me realize even more, that I can move past the unhappiness and pain that became a part of me.  That the life I want for myself has always been in my own two hands to create.  

I have the knowledge, skills, and experience to make myself successful.  The major issue has been allowing the past to continue dwelling in the back of my thoughts and keep me from looking forward.  The goal I made for myself this year is to not dwell.

As the new year continues, situations and people change, so will I.  I look forward with a renewed sense of self.  Learning patience is at the top of the list due to my current limitations but all will be fine.

I will wake up each new day and continue to pursue the things that make me happy.

Thank you so much for continuing to stop by and look around.

Happy New Year to you!

Stay safe and take care.

Keep moving forward, stay positive, and stay motivated.

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always.

Suzanne

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