Random Musings, Well being

Time

Time

12/26/2021

The definition of time – “the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

We need more of it or learn how to use it wisely.

The last 2 years have shown us the amount of time on this world can be abruptly shortened or interrupted with no recourse.

Personally, I learned this a long time ago, and the pursuit of utilizing as much of it as I can.  This has been the driving force behind what I pursue or the goals that I set for myself.

It is the 26th of December, the day after Christmas.  My adult kids are all still sleeping, and the house is quiet, as I sit here with my cup of hot tea writing this.  Now, these brief holiday visits, are the moments in time that I look forward to. 

5 years ago, I was grieving at this time of year, and feeling afraid of how I would continue raising this family on my own.  It was daunting, overwhelming and I was angry thinking life was so unfair.

Now, life has settled back into a sort of normalcy for us.  The pain of grief is less, and we continue to move forward.

My children have been amazing and have such resiliency, even if they do not think so, I can see it in them.  I am an enormously proud mother.  All of them will go far in life and if they stay focused, their life goals and aspirations will be accomplished.

As my 50th year on this floating rock starts winding down, heading into my 51st year there are things to mull over and other ideas floating around in this old noggin.

The first is to focus on completing this school I started and to keep moving forward on that goal.  Later, it will make a world of difference, financially, if I can complete it.  Plus, adding college classes to the mix to complete a secondary associates degree in computer science as well as a dual bachelor’s degree in business and management.  That is hours of future studying but at this moment, I have the time to put towards those goals.

Second, is to continue making progress with the arm mobility issues and tremors.  The original doctor stopped physical therapy, which I think was a mistake, and then finally decided, after 6 months of pushing the issue, to get a 2nd MRI done of the shoulder.  Those results will be to the new doctor that I pushed for as a second opinion.  I have been under a doctor’s care for over 2 years now after injury in August of 2019.  This moment in my life has been challenging and frustrating.

Time, we cannot stop it or control it, it flows continuously no matter how we feel, what we think, or what is going on.  We as human beings must learn how to move with it.

The past couple of years of being an empty nester and becoming accustomed to living without my children at home, has been overwhelming at times.  They are still my babies and I constantly worry about them.  I worry about their overall well-being and safety out in the big world.  They are smart and not risk takers, but it is the other people that they meet that is the worrisome part.  Did I teach them enough about protecting themselves not only physically but mentally and emotionally too?  They are good hearted and compassionate people that deserve happiness, friendships, and love.  That is my greatest wish for them.

As time continues to move it brings new challenges, sometimes daily, but staying focused, not dwelling on the past are the most important daily tasks.

**Continuation 1/17/2022

I stopped briefly writing on this topic, mainly because I lost track of what I wanted to say.  I took time to ruminate a little more.  Today I will finish this and hopefully post it as well.

The idea for this post was in part due to my own thoughts about how I manage my day, as well as how I see others managing their daily routines.

I realized that I stay “busy” all day and do not really accomplish anything, which is counterproductive to how I have always viewed myself.

I do the same routine in the morning.  I wake up, fix the bed, get myself dressed, brush my teeth, wash my face, and pull up my hair, every day.  I do the same on the weekends.  This routine was inspired by a YouTube post about a commencement speech given by a Navy Seal Admiral, in this speech he stated the importance of making your bed every day.  In his speech he stated the little things in life matter, and he was correct.

At that time in my life, when I first saw the YouTube post, I was rebounding from my deepest depressive state.  I had been drowning in my own self-pity, sorrow, and grief over the life I would never have.  I was still mourning the end of my marriage as well as finally facing the trauma I had endured.  In those few moments of watching the video play, I remembered who I was, what I had accomplished, and that my children were depending on me.  I began slowly establishing the routine of at minimum, making my bed every morning.

I am not saying that just making my bed every day is what started turning my life around, but it was taking into account the small things and making it a part of the bigger picture every day.  The little things add up every day.

It was taking those moments to realize how much “time” I was wasting on thoughts and ideas that did not serve a useful purpose in the life I wanted.  Wasting time on the past and not focusing on my future instead.

Time keeps moving along even if we stand in place.

I still have moments of sadness, regret, and feelings of pain within my soul, but it no longer weighs me down or keeps me from moving forward.  I keep pushing on through it.

In my therapy group we discussed taking a moment to just let all those thoughts come out in a set time limit.  This process is like having a time set aside each day to meditate and relax.  Instead, this is a moment set aside so you are not dwelling on them all day.

Therapy sessions were not the only moments when I realized the importance of time management.  It was through personal interactions with others that I saw the need to follow a routine. 

I was talking with my mother one day, after I showed her the earrings my daughter had made for me.  We are all crafty and artistic minded individuals.  I have slowed down on this creative outlet due to my arm and hand.  My mother and her husband are both retired.  She has her craft room set up and it’s filled with unfinished projects and items for crafting.  I have the same room.  The difference between us is that I set time each day to be creative, but it is not finished right away.  Either I run out of materials, or I run into issues to sort through.  It eventually will be completed.

While talking with her, she stated how she does not have time to start or finish anything, blaming it on her husband.  Yet, every time I stop by, they are usually just watching TV or taking a nap.  I believe she does not want to admit that she lost interest in those things.  It may also be a financial issue and she will not just let things go because of the money she has spent on the items.  Either way, it takes time and effort, but one must be willing to put in both or just walk away from it.  

This is where I struggle with having too many interests and just not enough time to devote to only one.

I started making a weekly schedule, added it to my calendar, set reminders, and then just ignored it.  I know it is the depression keeping the motivation low.  Pushing through how I “feel” every day is a constant struggle and sometimes the down feelings win.

I have not given up hope though and remind myself to take it one day at a time.

Then when the pandemic started, it seemed like time has sped up, and I can not keep up.  Once again, I know it is the depression and anxiety, I manage through it.

I started setting small tasks to complete each day and one day, I will be able to manage more.

I am still unemployed and not on a set schedule anymore, which has been my saving grace.  Trying to work while in this pandemic, as well as not being fully mobile, would have propelled me back into a deep depression.  I am grateful that my needs have been met so far without the added stress of a demanding job position.

It is about the perspective of time that keeps us either accomplishing life goals or prevents us from even trying.  Yet, time, does not change.  It keeps moving with each sunrise, sunset, hour, day, month, or year.

We hold in our own minds, hands, and spirit the ability to determine how our time is spent.  We have had this ability, but it took a global crisis to realize it and make it important.

Time keeps moving along and we can move with it.

Thank you for stopping by!

Have a wonderful week!

Take care and be safe out there.

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always. 

Suzanne