Random Musings, Uncategorized, Well being

This is me.

This is me.

February 16, 2022

Valentines Day was a couple of days ago.  I am not particularly fond of this day, especially, since I am alone.

Then yesterday evening, after a long day of studying and working on projects, I was taking a break, scrolling through Facebook.  As I was checking things out, the thought of the Facebook Dating app came to mind.  I had used it before and met a couple of people, but it did not go well.  

Actually, most of the dating apps have not panned out for me.  The whole online dating thing is not really my cup of tea, but I decided to give it another try.  I set up my profile, again.

I received several hellos and requests to chat but after scrolling through the potential contacts, it was a hard “no” for me.  In my mind, they all looked the same, had similar jobs, and did not seem genuine at all.  It almost seemed liked they either were trying too hard or just did not care enough about themselves.  It was an odd observation on my part.  

I deleted my profile and one of the options was “I want to do my profile again.”  I know that I could have just updated and edited my profile page but, in my thinking, “I just need to try that again.”  The next time, I really want to put out there what I am truly looking for and who I am.  This way there are no surprises or misunderstanding later.

The thought of “What do you really want?” and “Who are you really?” came to mind.  I formulated the idea to write a short profile of who I am and what I want.

It was immensely helpful in working through some thoughts about myself.  Here is what I created.

Name:  Suzanne Allen

Year of birth:  1971

Occupation: Retired, disabled veteran, and unemployed

Education:  Several associates degrees, 12 hours to completing a dual bachelor’s degree, and current software engineering student in a private technical school

Status:  Single, previously divorced, he passed away.

Personal Appearance:  I consider myself of average height and weight with a medium build.  I could lose some weight for my overall well-being.  I do not get fussy about my hair and have never worn makeup.  That being said, I do like getting manicures, pedicures, and my brows done.  I have also been known to change up my hair color every now and then.  I dress for comfort and rarely wear dresses or heel type shoes unless it is an event of some sort.  I do have some dental issues to take care of, that makes me feel self-conscious on occasion, but I still like to smile.  I have to wear glasses, otherwise I am blind, and unfortunately there are no contacts or Lasik in my future.

History:  Law abiding citizen, except occasionally being pulled over for speeding, but have never received a ticket.  I like driving fast.  Prefer someone with a clean background and honest about it.

Family:  Empty nester with college aged kids.

Pets:  Two fussy cats but I like most animals.

Travel:  Open to new adventures, not a big outdoorsy person but willing to try.  Love sandy white beaches with beautiful sunsets but not a swimmer.  I prefer a pool for swimming.  I like places with lots to do; restaurants, theatres, museums, historical places, coffee/tea shops, and local hangouts.  Traveled to or through most of the states from coast to coast.  I would love to spend time traveling in Europe one day.

Food:  Prefer vegan and vegetarian, no red meat or pork.  Will eat fish and some poultry but no seafood.  I have food allergies and fussy about what I eat.  My kids tease that if I get any new allergies, all I will be able to do is drink water and breathe the air.

Habits:  I do not smoke and do not drink.  I prefer someone who has never drank, smoked, tried drugs, or even thought about it.  Trying to live a clean and healthy life.  I do love coffee though.

Health/Fitness:  Currently dealing with complications from shoulder surgery in 2020.  Developed a tremor in arm and hand.  Limitations to fitness routines.  I prefer walking and eventually would like to get back into running and lifting weights, someday.

Political:  I was a former Republican and now registered Independent.  Neither party is appealing at the moment.  I stick with my grandma’s motto “No political discussions in mixed company”

Religion:  Former Baptist/Methodist Christian and walked away from those ideals due to personal reasons.  I will not be swayed back into that belief system.  I believe in the spiritual nature of all living creatures that walk this earth and the need for co-existence.  Once again, the same motto, “No religious discussions in mixed company”

Moral/Ethical standards:  Every living person has the ability to distinguish between right and wrong.  We as humans have the responsibility to take care of this Earth.  I cannot tolerate dishonesty or cheating in any sense.  I expect high standards for my own behavior and want the same in a relationship.  You are the environment that you surround yourself by.  I am blunt and forthright but also compassionate, caring, and understanding, to a point.

Personality/Type:

  • If personality typing is your thing, then I am an INFJ-T.  I try to have a balanced view on things and that makes me an ambivert.  I am shy and reserved at the beginning until I get to know someone better.
  • I have a dry sense of humor and cannot stand vulgar/bathroom humor especially at the expense of others. 
  • I rarely use curse/cuss words and prefer someone who is the same.  I would rather have a grown- up discussion to solve an issue than screaming or yelling to get a point across.
  • I am a demure person but can also be very affectionate, passionate, and protective about the “right one.” 
  • I love to laugh and be silly with the right person.  I love watching movies, listening to music, singing in the car, random dancing, late night conversations over many topics, or just being quiet together.  
  • I do not like to be complacent but also have my limits to engaging with others and like my alone time. 
  • I am an independent person and need a flexible person that understands that. 

Mental Well-being:

  • I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety in 2014.  I have been regularly attending group therapy for years to develop the skills needed to manage those feelings.  It is important for everyone to understand how and why we feel the way we do.  I am an advocate for seeking help when things become too overwhelming.
  • I do not always have a sunny disposition but manage it.  Eighty-five percent of the time, I feel great, productive, and take initiative.  The other fifteen percent of feeling down and blue is rare these days because of the non-medicated therapy.  I resorted to vocalizing, writing, or being creative to manage the stress.
  • I have a positive disposition and try to find the good in everything.

Hobbies/Sports:

  • I am an arts and crafts type person.
  • I do beadwork and jewelry-making.
  • I draw and paint.
  • I sew, knit, and crochet.
  • I previously taught, competed, and participated in sugar arts competitions.
  • It has been a long while, but I used to watch golf on Sundays.
  • I occasionally cheer on the OSU (Oklahoma State University) Cowboys but do not have a favorite NFL team.
  • I would like to learn more about Hockey.
  • I used to love baseball as a kid but haven’t watched in an exceptionally long time.
  • I used to play basketball as a kid and in my early twenty’s but have not paid much attention to it in years.
  • I have a blog that I have been running and writing on for years.

Summary:

I am a person just like everyone else.  I have flaws and have made mistakes but can admit to them.  I have had personal tragedy and trauma in my life, but it has never stopped me from believing in the goodness of others.  It may be overly idealistic, but your life is your choice.  You can change it, even in the smallest positive way. 

I had many complicated relationships as a single person, a rough marriage for 17 years and then a non-ideal post marriage relationship for 2 years with a married person.  Despite this, I kept trying to find ways to make a connection with another person.  It has been fraught with online scammers, dishonest people, and manipulative personalities.  I almost gave up on the whole idea. 

Instead, I took a step back, began focusing on myself and my family, then things began to change for the better.  I now know what I want in a relationship.  I want honesty, compassion, and caring.  A non-judgmental personality and willingness to grow as a person.  I have set high goals and expectation for myself my whole life and need a person who is doing the same.  

This being said, I do not want a stick in the mud either.  Life is about living and creating.  There is too much discord in the world as it is, to keep adding to it.  I want a person who is not only willing to help others but is never ashamed to seek help if they need it themselves.

My “perfect” person is one who takes care of themselves physically, mentally, and spiritually.  This person has to be educated whether through academics or life itself, but also never stops learning.  This person cannot be complacent and unwilling to change, in order to become their authentic and true self.

This person must be willing to take my heart and wrap it up into theirs, protecting it, at all costs, and I will do the same.  We will become our own personal cheerleaders when we succeed without jealousy or pettiness.  Then, if we fall, we pick each other up, dust one another off, and help each other get moving again, without blame or belittlement.  Kindness towards each other is paramount with a bit of understanding, compassion, and love mixed in.

These are the words of a romantic who believes in love but who is also based in reality.

Love, relationships, romance, friendships, and any other meaningful connections are messy.  Our feelings get hurt, sometimes intentionally.  People would much rather “ghost” you than express their thoughts.  That is the difference between evolving maturity and not being ready.

I have realized that I have always been ready for that next step of bringing another person into my life.  The problem was, I forgot to focus on my own self in that process.   It took a lot of soul searching and thoughts to realize my “ideal” person.

These thoughts are what I am putting out into the universe.

My heart and soul’s frequency are echoing into the world, and I am just waiting for a response in return.

Thank you for stopping by and visiting this blog.

Have a great week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!  

Suzanne