Random Musings, Well being

Positive Self Image

May 17, 2022

I fell asleep on the couch last night. I told my son I was going to lay down for a just a little while. He woke me up, it was midnight. I had been asleep for about 4 hours.

He helped me upstairs, made my bed, and talked to me while I was trying to get back to sleep. I saw text messages from our group chat.

I saw the messages and realized it was chat between my kids. I had forgotten about my eldest daughter’s trip she was leaving on with her research lab. It is only for a week, but I have been so self-absorbed and preoccupied with my own life, I did not get a chance to talk to her before she left.

These thoughts made my anxiety start to go up. After my son left, I stayed awake until 4 this morning. I was finally able to fall asleep for about 5 hours.

I know that I should not worry about my grown adult kids with their own lives, but I have depression and anxiety, it affects my emotions, thoughts, actions, and just life in general.

In the midst, of all those feelings, I sat up and started praying. It sometimes helps to get those thoughts out into the universe. Those words of hope for my kids. The request to the universe to keep them safe, happy, and well. Those words of gratefulness for the life we have and have lived.

It helped the anxiety come back down and I was able to sleep again.

I even said a prayer for my family and the rest of the world.

I woke up still feeling slightly anxious and have a headache today.

Last Wednesday, I went to have lab work done. Then I had to go back and repeat the bloodwork on Friday because the machine had been down on Wednesday. I got a call Friday afternoon from a doctor, she stated my blood sugar was too high, and she wanted to put me on medication. It was reading at 220. She is sending meds and items to evaluate my blood glucose until our appointment in 3 weeks.

I know that was most likely because I ate about an hour before they ran a test on the blood sugar again. They did not tell me to fast beforehand, and I had eaten a big bowl of the pasta salad before going there. A single test reading is what she is basing the need to put me on medication. I disagree, once again.

I decided to do what I did before, cut out the sugar as much as possible, change what I have been eating, start walking again, and monitor my glucose levels every day.

I just did another reading 2 hours ago, it was within the normal range, as usual.

My blood sugar levels go from below 70 up to 140. According to everything I have read, I am slightly above normal and considered pre-diabetic. The only way to move away from that is through permanent dietary changes, losing weight, and exercise.

I have known this for years. I keep riding this same roller coaster of up and down on my eating habits, weight, and being physically fit.

It has always been a problem for me and even at the age of fifty-one, I still have not fixed it yet.

The problem is motivation and sticking to it. My mind knows it is the right thing to do but the depression part of my brain says, “Who cares?”  It is a daily struggle between positive and negative thoughts.

I used to set fitness goals for myself to try and stay motivated, but it has been a long time since those were relevant to me.

After I retired from the military, I did not see any point in trying anymore. I had to leave the job that I loved to do, and then my marriage finally ended. It was such a stressful time, and I did not care about what happened to me.

I had to fall rock bottom, emotionally, countless times, before coming back up and realizing that my life was still worth something, even if it was only to myself. My life still meant something to my kids. They are the glue still holding me together.

Now, facing that ever-moving roller coaster that is my health. Physically, in my mind, I feel fine. Outwardly, I need to work on things. My weight being the biggest part of how my body is working internally.

I have insomnia, poor dental health, and physical pain. A frozen shoulder with a tremor from a surgery that, should have healed. In four days, it will be two years exactly when I had the surgery. These issues are attributable to the weight gain.

I am currently at 203 pounds. That is excessive for my five-foot six-inch frame, but I was 221 pounds when they weighed me in February. I have lost eighteen pounds so far, slowly but surely.

I know what I need to do but staying motivated to keep it up and make permanent changes is hard for me.

The old thoughts from others keep flittering through my mind when I think about how I feel about myself or even when I am happy with my appearance.

Those negative and hurtful words of “You are not pretty enough”, “You are not beautiful”, “You look like a man”, “You need bigger boobs”, “You need a bigger ass”, “Your stomach is ugly”, “Those scars are ugly”, “Your hair is ugly” and a myriad of other disgusting verbally abusive things.

Those are the things going through my mind each time I take another lap, do another sit up, or try to decide on the right things to eat.

These were not only from those that were closest to me, sometimes it came from complete strangers.

I know that I give off this appearance of not caring about what others say to me, but each hurtful word is a knife cutting a little deeper into my soul. There are permanent scars there and some have never healed.

All of this I know about myself, and it does not help that I do not talk about them. I do not talk about them because it seems so superficial to me. I should not care about what others think about me and my appearance. Then why does it bother me so much?

Acceptance, that is why it bothers me, that constant little girl need in my mind, to be accepted by others.

That little girl that grew up without the presence of her selfish mother. Then later to be forced back into a life with that same mother and to be abused by her stepfather. They never loved me like their other daughters. I have always been treated differently by my family.

When I was bullied by others at school, my parents never tried to protect me or stand up for me. This behavior continued well into my adulthood.

Then I got married to a person who said he would protect and love me forever, he lied. The verbal and emotional abuse just continued until we divorced and then he died.

The only moment of freedom that I felt was when the marriage ended, and I cut everyone in my family out of my life for being toxic.

They are still in my life, around the edges. I am no longer willing to let others treat me badly, but those little jagged thoughts are still in my mind.

It can no longer be an excuse that I can use for not taking care of myself.

I know this and it is a struggle to face it head on.

I can either continue to wallow in those thoughts, which get me nowhere, or stand up for myself.

I can take back the power of positive self that was robbed from me by others in my life, so long ago.

I can be, who I believe I am.

I can do this.

I am the only person that needs to believe in me.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!