It is a Sunday afternoon.
After a busy week of running errands, doctor’s appointments, cleaning, and home organizing, I am taking time to do a little writing.
Earlier in the week, a phone call from my mother, had me thinking about the relationship issues I have with my parents and half-sisters.
My sister had a best friend who passed away suddenly from an illness. They had been friends for over twenty years. She was always there for my sister through everything. My sister had two failed marriages, became a widow, and her daughter was seriously injured becoming a paraplegic. Her best friend was there to help her through all of it.
As I pondered on my own feelings concerning this change in her world, I felt a twinge of envy towards the person that she lost in her life.
This person became my middle sister’s confidante and shared so many memories with her, that I never did.
I know that my half-sisters call me a sister, but we have never been close, not even as children.
I used to wish that they liked me more and would get upset over it. I have always felt like the outsider within this family dynamic. I blame my parents for that.
I did not live with or began to know them until I was almost ten years old. My mother had deserted me, and I was bounced between relatives.
At the age of eleven, my stepfather’s mother accidentally told us about his previous marriage, and that my parents were married when I was a year old. We had been looking through a family photo album and did not recognize the woman in the pictures. My middle sister was so angry and did not talk to my parents for a month. Any sort of friendship we had, ended in that moment.
I felt lost and unimportant in this family.
This was reinforced by the behavior and treatment towards me until I left home at eighteen. I was verbally, emotionally, and physically abused until I was able to defend myself.
I distinctly remember being treated differently when it came to clothing, school activities, and special occasions. I grew up on secondhand clothing or hand me downs that were always ill-fitting, it made me the target of bullies at school. My sisters always got new things.
When I got older and started making my own money, I was expected to always help, no matter what. My sisters were never expected to do the same.
Even today, as I struggle to make ends meet, if I need assistance, it always comes with terms and conditions from our parents, but my sisters do not have the same requirements.
A part of me feels guilty, for feeling this way towards my sister, but then the angry part still lurking in my thoughts, does not care. It is a struggle between having sympathy and just not caring at all.
I am envious that my middle sister had this close friend. She never saw me as her friend. Things have happened between us over the last eight years that she never apologized for, and I was made out to be the one at fault by the rest of them. That is the toxic environment that I have been working to stay out of.
This person she called her best friend, and I were cordial towards one another. I feel sympathy for the children she leaves behind but that is it. Her death is sad, and her life was cut short.
As I try to deal with my own feelings, I am trying to send what positive vibes I can out into the world for my niece and nephew’s sake. They will have to deal with any of the fallout from the grief their mother will be in. I am staying out of it.
Envy is a powerful feeling. It can make you take different directions or completely stall you in life.
I realize that this feeling of envy at their friendship reflects my own lack of true friendships. I still struggle with making meaningful connections with others. These feelings of inadequacy are why I am in therapy. One day, I will not let these hinder me, but for now I just keep moving.
As I finish this, I will once again, say a prayer to the universe for the family that her best friend leaves behind, to include my sister. I hope that peace found her, and the pain was lessened.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a wonderful week!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always.