Random Musings, Well being

Fortress of Solitude

6/3/2022

I have been a Superman fan, ever since I was a kid.  I used to read comic books as a pre-teen until some girls at school and my cousins made fun of me for it.   That was a long time ago but some of those thoughts of insecurity are still lurking in there, somewhere.  I digress.  Just a brief explanation for the title of this writing.

No, it is not about superheroes or my favorite one.

It is about solitude.

This past week, a person that I was talking to online, two years ago, suddenly popped up again.  He disappeared shortly after all the lockdowns were taking place, worldwide.

I assumed that his situation had become dire and that was the reason he stopped talking to me, like other alleged online friends.

Time continued and I had my own issues to deal with also, so I kept moving on.

At first, I was surprised to hear from him, and a moment of happiness was there but then I remembered our last conversations.  They had not gone well, and he had feigned jealousy over the other people I was friends with online.  I may be getting older, but I do not forget how people make me feel.  I was saddened by it.

I went ahead and blocked him again on everything, no explanation, no long discussions, I just walked away.

I got an email at 2:30 in the morning yesterday from him.  I forgot that we had talked to one another through email messages as well.

Once again, I blocked him, but he is still trying to find out “what happened?”

This happened.

I do not have any close friends and it is very hard for me to form those kinds of relationships.

If I am talking to you and called you a friend, it is not something that I take lightly.  It took a lot of working through my own negative self-image, over a period of 5 years, to even begin thinking about talking to or feel comfortable with anyone online.

Then a worldwide pandemic happened.  The people I called friends, all but disappeared. 

I understand the seriousness of the situation we are all in but in those moments, is when we needed friendships the most.

Just chatting with someone about anything would have gone a long way.

That human connection to another being in the world was the only way any of us would survive and get through this, together.

In those moments proceeding the lockdowns, rising death tolls, and the unknown affect it was going to have, is when people like me, with major depressive disorder and anxiety, were either going to fail to thrive or find a way to survive it.  The only choice I had before me was solitude.

My kids were all on their own and living out of state.  I am not close with my own parents and sisters.  I do not have friends nor a boyfriend.  I was still in recovery from surgery and living on my own for a while.

I finally got to see my kids during the holidays but then went back to being alone again.  The only people I interacted with in person were doctors and nurses while the only people I could talk to were online.

It was during this time of solitude that I started to feel better about myself overall.  I was enjoying the lack of “noise” that comes from being in relationships with others.  I could do whatever I wanted.  The only person I had to answer to was myself.

Those moments of non-hectic life gave me the time to look inward at who I am and what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.  Career wise, I have no clue and it is still a work in progress. Personally, deep inside the dark winding paths of my thoughts, I want peace and happiness.

I want calm and a sense of well-being. 

I want that inner stillness of my thoughts. 

This would have never happened if I continued seeking out others online to talk to, so I stopped and moved on. 

That is what happened.

I found my fortress of solitude. 

I’ve gotten settled in, and I think I will stay for a while.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a great week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne