Lonesome or Lonely?
Waking up at three in the morning.
I feel lost.
I feel alone.
Is it lonesome or lonely that best describes me?
“Is there a difference between lonely and lonesome? A lonely person desires companionship. A lonesome person is lonely in a profound, long-lasting, philosophical, or especially forlorn way.” – Google search
Both of those descriptions are applicable to how I feel.
I do desire companionship in my life, but I know that relationships and friendships come with a cost, mainly time.
Time spent getting to know one another. Time that either becomes a precious memory or a dreaded moment in a person’s life. Time and effort we can never get back especially if it did not go well.
I decided this past week that I would try once more to meet and connect with others online. This morning, I am not sure how I feel about it.
A person that I met through Instagram, two years ago, before the pandemic hit and before I had surgery, suddenly emailed me out of the blue. We had a fight the last time we spoke, and he quit communicating. Then the pandemic hit, and I had forgotten about it.
It was such a good surprise to hear from him again. I really liked talking to him before but in the back of my mind, there are those nagging doubts. Should I be speaking to him again?
There are those doubts but then there is the longing to have someone else to talk to. That desire to be in a relationship or friendship with someone. The lonesome feeling overshadows most of what I do and how I interact with others.
I automatically put up those barriers and keep people at arm’s length to protect myself from getting emotionally hurt. Trust is an obstacle that I have yet to overcome.
As I sit here this morning, after I texted this person, I feel anxious, and I do not know why?
In my therapy groups, we’ve talked about that sense of wanting to belong but our minds telling us we are not good enough. It is the after effect of living through trauma. I understand this and I continue to deal with it, and it makes forming relationships with others difficult.
In my mind, if people do not respond, it means they do not care about me. I know that thinking is unreasonable and not founded in any sort of truth. It is my thoughts overreacting and those feelings of inadequacies that I constantly have. I must step back and go through the thought process to reassure myself that he will respond back, he could be working or busy now, and that it will be okay.
It is hard and it is also the reason why I waited so long to even attempt this again. I do not like feeling this way, it is a sense of no control. Yet, logically, I know that I have no control over whether this will work, and it is okay. Not everyone that you meet is meant to be in your life, forever.
As I continue with my morning, getting ready for the day, eating breakfast, and drinking my morning cup of coffee, I will be okay. The anxiety is slowly passing, and I must focus on the tasks at hand.
It is after all, another new day.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a great week!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always.