Insomnia part 2 – It has not gotten better.

June 16, 2022 – 12:39 am

I wrote about this topic about four years ago.

At that time, I was still in the transitioning stage of grief, after the loss of my ex-husband and dealing with that aftermath. There were so many factors affecting getting rest such as relationships.

This time it is not about relationships or those feelings of grief.

Now, I am awake because there are so many things that I want to do, but there is no time to complete everything during the day. I overwhelm myself with these ideas.

My thoughts of things to keep me busy during the day are too many and varied.

Whether it is thinking about topics for this blog, creating earrings from beads, painting, reading, or just watching a movie, there is too much time now. Not working has had a significant impact.

It can be overwhelming at times, and it becomes exhausting to the point that I nap during the day and in the evening. This is causing a non-existent sleep schedule despite best efforts to stay on track.

I started walking again which seemed to help me fall and stay asleep all night. Then we started getting our usual summer thunderstorms and the temperatures started rising earlier in the day. Also, taking my son back and forth to work at differing times during the day is causing a shift in the times that I can go walk. I have not walked in two weeks.

I also thought losing weight would help, which it did for a short while, not being consistent is affecting all aspects of my life, it is having a downward affect.

Sleep, it is an important part of our day.

Unfortunately, for me, I have never been able to sleep more than 6 hours at a time.

A big part of not having a set schedule is just time management of my day and week.

I have set therapy schedules and my son has a set work schedule, but I do not plan out my day efficiently.

I used to be great at time management and organization.

I was a part-time military guardsman, college student, stay at home mom, PTA mom, school volunteer, and ran my own side business. Planning, time management, and organization was the only way that I kept up with all of that.

Despite all the busyness of the life I had, I still only managed 6 hours of sleep at night. I was always awake by 5 am, drinking coffee, and having a cigarette to start my days.

All of that is long gone now. That was my previous life. I am now no longer required to be anywhere specific during the day. I guess this “retirement” from work is harder than I thought it would be.

This not having a schedule leaves me to wander throughout the entire day. It is exhausting.

If I sit too long, in front of the television or my computer, my mind wanders. Those thoughts inevitably go back to the trauma of my life, it makes me feel tired, and unmotivated.

I will usually set my timer and take a short 25-minute nap to combat that feeling of sluggishness. It helps sometimes. There have been days when I could not wake up from the nap and ended up sleeping for part of the day. Then I am wide awake until 3 or 4 in the morning. It is becoming this never-ending cycle.

I have talked about the insomnia with my psychologist. I was supposed to be put into an insomnia group but that never got scheduled. I have the previous informational pamphlets and I look over it but the developing good sleep habit items, I have already tried.

I was having this sleep discussion with my youngest son. He is a born night owl. As a creative minded person, he does his best work in the evening to early morning. The only problem with that is his part time jobs are all during the day, so he struggles with getting enough sleep. He is the opposite of me and needs at minimum 8 hours to feel slightly rested. On his days off, he will sleep upwards of 12 hours or more. I wish I could sleep the 8 hours straight, but I will wake up tired and in pain if I do.

It does not matter what time I fall asleep, if it is early such as 8 or 9 pm then I will be awake by three in the morning. I have been trying to sleep by midnight so at least I wake up around six instead.

As we discussed these bad sleep habits, I was reminded of when I had everything scheduled and structured for work, school, and family needs. I was able to get things accomplished because I stuck to a schedule for everything. Work, driving times, appointments, household shopping, special occasions, and the list could go on and on. I stopped doing that the moment I retired and when I decided to leave my then marriage.

After our talk I decided that this new workspace, that I worked on for more than 8 months, needed to be more functional and that I needed a schedule.

I went back and started developing my project and planning binders, again. I used to have different binders that had all my planning for that item in it. I have tried a single planner, but it gets too cumbersome and messy. Right now, my planner is for appointments and my son’s work schedule when I remember to fill it out.

It was humorous when I was working on these. My son came into my workspace and saw all the binders lying on the floor, I was busy making labels to print, deciding what colors to use, and trying to decide what patterned paper went with it all. He said it reminded him of when he was a kid, and I would be putting things into the kid’s school information binder. I would take their syllabus, class schedules, school calendars, and any other pertinent information then put it into this one big binder with each of their names tabbed. It was more for their father, he was not into details, and would forget things.

I enjoy doing these organizational type activities. I get teased about it from my family. It is never a laughing matter though, when all the information they need is in one place.

The hope is that by organizing my day better, I will be able to unwind in the evenings and not have all this constant “stuff” floating around in my thoughts. I will be able to just turn off and relax at the end of the day. No worries about the next day and if things are getting done.

It is about developing better habits that will affect my overall well-being.

It was time to take charge again of my own personal actions, set goals, and work towards them.

I am not working and have the time to fill.

All this to just get a better night’s sleep.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week ahead!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always.

Stay safe and take care.

Suzanne