August 8, 2022
It is an early Monday morning.
Insomnia struck again and I only got 5 hours of sleep last night.
The anxiety has been up more the last two months. We had family related events that happened from the beginning of June to the end of July.
I lost two of my relatives, my Aunt Irene, and Uncle John, within four weeks of one another. That was a stark reality that our family is so scattered and far apart, we only ever see one another if someone passes away. We need to work on that and make it better.
In this same period, we met new relatives again, kids came home for a visit, still chatting with someone new, we attended our annual tribal powwow then got sick from Covid, and I cut off my toxic family. This summer has been full of happenings.
One of the things I have been contemplating is starting my daily gratitude writings again. It was an experiment we did in a human resource management class in college. We kept a journal for a hundred days. Each day we wrote down three things we were grateful for and turned it in for a grade. The three things could be anything from a cup of coffee to the sunrise.
That really opened my eyes to what we take for granted and that the little things in life, mean so much. It helped promote positive thinking and reduced my anxiety.
I did this experiment again, back in 2017 to 2018, writing every day for a hundred days and posting it to my Instagram. I had positive feedback from others.
Since the last few months have been anxiety and insomnia filled, I decided to try again.
Today was day five and I also added a song of the day to the posts I have been making.
I am creating a Spotify playlist with a hundred songs. I have sixty so far and looking for another forty to add to it. The songs are based on love or positivity with a happy tune, to get the day going. I use the shuffle button to pick the song of the day.
All of this is to try and build better habits in my daily life.
Habits affect not only your outlook on things but make things not so overwhelming. It becomes a part of the routine like fixing my bed or changing clothes every morning.
Today is what I call Muted Monday. I do not turn on the television until evening time and limit how long it is on. No movies, no YouTube, and no TV shows. I take a break from the digital noise that fills my mornings.
I sometimes will listen to music. It depends on whether it feels necessary. There are times I do not even need to. I sit here and take in the sounds around me instead.
The whirring of my fans, blowing air conditioner, water swishing in the dishwasher, lawn mowing outside, cars driving by, or my cats meowing.
It is good to take a break from things every once and a while.
Also, this morning, I finally put away the clothes we washed last Friday. I usually put the clothes up as soon as we return from the laundromat, but I was tired and took a nap instead. It finally bugged me enough looking at the laundry baskets on the floor that it was the fourth task I completed today after fixing the bed, changing clothes, and washing my face.
As I finished, took a picture of my closet, then posted it to Instagram, thoughts came to mind.
I remember when I first separated from the 17-year marriage. My then ex-husband was so mad at me he would not let me take anything. I left the house with a small part of my clothes, my cake decorating tools/supplies, personal mementos, and that was it.
He had argued with me over every little thing. He did not allow me to take any dishes, pots, or even pans, despite the fact we had an overabundance of everything.
That very first apartment was so sad and depressing.
I bought a cheap sofa, bed rail, and mattress for around $200. It was from a Salvation Army Thrift store.
I had a desk and a lamp also.
That was it, that was all I had, and it made me so upset that I could not afford beds for my kids to sleep on. They very rarely visited me at that apartment because of the living situation.
That was the beginning of the spiraling down into the major depressive disorder.
I remember the thought, that one day, it was not going to be like that anymore. I would have a stable home. I knew that I would have more than enough clothes, dishes, and beds for my kids to sleep on. It was those thoughts that I held onto even in the darkest moments. I held on to hope for a better day.
Then this morning, as I put up the t-shirts, pants, socks, and under clothes, I realized that those ideas had come to fruition.
I now live in a three-bedroom apartment. I have more than enough clothes. There are places for my kids to sleep when they visit. I have dishes to eat on and pots to cook in. I have the funds to pay rent and bills every month while my son makes up the difference for anything we need.
Things are better than I imagined.
That is one thing that I hope, you the reader, take away from this post; it gets better.
You must have faith in yourself, belief in a greater good, and hope to carry you all the way there.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
Have a wonderful week!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!