empty nester, family, Random Musings, Well being

Good day to a bad day – the awful parts.

Good day to a bad day – the awful parts.

8/16/2022

What do you do when a person you care for and love so much tells you the most awful parts of yourself?

How do you take that all in, knowing that is how you are already see yourself and you dreaded the day when they would see it too?

What is the best way to process those thoughts? Those constant feelings of worthlessness and being a burden to others.

I have lived my life the best that I could. I didn’t have much but made do. I did not have any support from others that didn’t require some sort of strings attached to it. That was always how it was with my own parents and siblings. Later, it became my husband’s way of dealing with me. The very reason for ending ties with all of them. There is only so much pressure you can be under.

What I never understood is the other person making you feel bad for asking for help in the first place? If you can’t help, just say so.  It is not the end of the world, just another bump in the road.  I would never hold any ill will, lay blame, be mad at or lay guilt towards someone because they couldn’t help me. I would understand and keep moving. Especially my own kids. I love them more than myself sometimes. I am proud of them and envious of the things they get to do and the lives they live. I talk about them all the time to anyone that will listen to my ramblings.

I would just try to find assistance another way, look for other resources, or call to work something out.  I am truly sorry that I made you feel that way.  That is never my intention.  I do not know how to fix something that was broken and I didn’t know existed between us. I thought we were always okay as a family, not great but okay.

I understood returning what was given and showing appreciation for the help. It was always returned, slowly, but returned. I always appreciated the things done for me

Generosity is not easy. It is even harder to ask for it from people that you raised.  I am the parent, and it should be the other way around.  I should not be in this position of needing anything from them.

I try to find alternative means of making ends meet, food pantries, getting rid of things, selling stuff, and seeking out programs to help but sometimes there is nothing available. You feel so bad about having to ask, knowing they are trying their best too. Having those regrets eating you alive with every phone call, email, or text. Hoping that things are okay, knowing deep down, they are not.

I cried this morning because it finally got to that point.  I don’t lay ill will or blame on the person; I understand the frustration they feel when having to deal with these situations. It seems like this is never ending for them and me too. I just feel overwhelming sadness for failing them. I was not the best parent they could have had. The life choices I made and the circumstances I put myself under kept me from being the best that I can be, but I keep trying, winning, failing, and trying again.  It is maddening sometimes.

I never wanted to be in this position, and I have been digging myself out of it, but it has been so slow.  Any little progress that is made has been met with one obstacle after another. Yet, I keep moving and hoping that they see that I am trying. 

It feels harsh to have your grown children speak to you about your failures.  It is even harsher knowing that it is true, and you are failing.

Eventually, one day, we will get passed this moment.  Until then, I will just back away, and continue to do the best that I can.  I will make more adjustments, go back to basic needs, nothing extra, use what I have, and continue to find a way to make everything work without asking for help anymore.  

That is all I can do.

Have a good week!

Take care and be safe out there.

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne