relationships, Well being

A work in progress and finding the right people.

8/31/2022

11:30 am

It is the last day of August, tomorrow another new month.

I was speaking to my online person early this morning and we had a misunderstanding that was not reconciled until about an hour ago. We both apologized for our behaviors and everything is good again.

We both agreed that we are flawed individuals and as long as we recognize that about ourselves, and to each other, then things will work out. It was refreshing to actually have a conversation with a grownup man. He knows his boundaries, weaknesses, and flaws plus he knows how to work through them and be vocal about it. This I have never experienced with any relationship or friendship, in my life.

If this had been anyone else, it would have turned into some sort of shouting match, where the other person inevitably would bring up all the past hurts they never talked about, aloud, or to me. It was always so exhausting to be put down that way each time.

I got to the point where I would just shut up, shut down, cry in solitude, and avoid making any further waves. I was trying to be the “good” person in the relationship. I was silenced by their lack of owning up to who they were. It was what I now know as “Emotional Abuse.”  I lived with that for so long, I automatically thought everything was my fault. Now, I know differently. It was a hard subject for me to approach in my therapy and counseling.

The people in my life did not like that I was working through my own issues and was becoming vocal about it. I knew my flaws and was trying to get to the basis of what was causing everything. It has taken years of therapy and counseling to get there. At least I was willing to try, which is more than I can say for others that have flittered in and out of my life.

That is the one thing I appreciate the most about this person in my life, he keeps telling me to not “Apologize” or say “I’m sorry” for how I feel and to just be honest about it with him so we can work through it, together.

I made this analogy to my online person about myself; I was still a work in progress and told him “My ideal self is to go from a Pollack to a Picasso to a Botticelli”

As a creative person with an artistic mind, I thought that was pretty clever to come up with on the spot. I realized though that it is a good analogy of how I feel and what it took for me to get here.

The paintings I chose in the collage of pics I sent to him included, Jackson Pollack’s “Ocean Greyness,” Pablo Picasso’s “Weeping Woman,” and finally Sandro Botticelli’s “The Birth of Venus.”  These three paintings could be a visualization of who I am as a person, a woman, and someone discovering themselves.

I see the beginnings of my walk into adulthood as a vast ocean and I did not know how to swim. There were high tides, low tides, and waves that crashed down upon me on a daily basis.

I had not yet, recognized the effects of years of abuse that had been heaped upon me.

Instead, I was just trying to keep my head above water and not lose sight of the shore. I was desperately trying to hold onto anyone, at those points in time, as a life raft. I thought they were going to “save me” from myself or the situation I was in with my own family.

In the end though, I had to learn how to ride those waves myself. Learning how to do that was important in my recovery process during counseling and therapy. The ocean in my mind is currently very calm at the moment, a few little waves here and there but overall, smooth sailing. It is a beautiful blue ocean, clear skies, and a brightly shining sun.

In the early times of attending therapy, there were a lot of tears shed. I had to move through and relive those hurtful moments that caused pain. I was made to recognize that “emotional wreck” that hid behind this “go getter” who pushed to excel in everything she did.

That go getter personality was the cover up of what was really going on. I was an abused and complacent person. I was unhappy with my life to the point I started spiraling downward into the deepest, darkest, moments in my life. I was drowning once more in that vast ocean.

I found the strength to keep swimming back to the surface and not give up. I started attending more therapy and shed even more tears before I became angry. I became angry at myself for letting others mistreat me for so long and I finally became angry at the people who hurt me. I found my voice, stood my ground, and began pushing back. I let go of the people who created the toxic environment that I was living in.

How do I know that I am healing from all of that, and no longer this “Weeping woman”? I caused the misunderstanding by overthinking, making assumptions, not being patient, and did not give him a chance to answer but I apologized for my behavior because I was wrong.

If I were still in my previous headspace, my reaction would have been worse and I would not have apologized. He is a very patient and understanding person, how did I get so lucky to find him? The conversation was about what happened in my weekly mindfulness therapy session yesterday.

In the guided mindfulness session, we were told to focus on the anger we felt. To sit in that emotion while working through those thoughts. It was such a weird moment for me.

When I picture myself during these sessions, we are supposed to visualize a space or place, and I always see myself in water, the ocean.

In that moment of deep breaths in and deep breaths out, I suddenly felt like everything inside of me sank down. I could see myself sitting on the ocean floor, surrounded by clear blue water, and in the distance, the people who caused the trauma.

Instead of the previous emotions or feelings of hate, anger, dread, hurt, mistrust, and a myriad of negative things; I felt calm. I felt nothing towards them, just peace. I felt happy. That was the weird part, we were supposed to feel the anger not happiness. I was not angry.

I could not bring that feeling out because it was not there anymore. I had finally passed through that one obstacle, in my recovery process, holding onto anger. I could no longer feel it, even though it has always been there. Yesterday, it was gone. It was a long overdue breakthrough and a sense of relief washed over me. It was such a wonderful moment that I had to share it with others to include my online person and my eldest son.

Today, I still feel the same. I am happy and there is no sense of dread when I think about these people.

I decided a few years ago, before I had the injury and surgery, to be as authentic as possible. To be the person that I like to be. That is where I am at this moment, figuring out who I am as a woman.

I am finally starting to recognize the parts of me similar to the last picture, Botticelli’s “Birth of Venus.”

Per the Wikipedia definition of Venus, the Roman goddess that “encompasses love, beauty, desire, sex, fertility, prosperity, and victory”

I am not too sure about all of those descriptors applying to me at the moment, but do feel as a woman, we all have those within us.

We are kind, caring, and compassionate when we need to be.

We are strong when necessary.

We love with our fullest heart to the right people.

We are mothers if we desire to be.

We can be beautiful and desirable when the right person brings that out of us.

We can be anything we want to be, feel any way we want, and be whatever we see as successful.

The only limitations are in our minds.

The person that I know I am is open, communicates, has integrity, is honest and is learning to trust fully in another person. That person is finding the beauty in the world around her, remembering her creativity, and seeking her heart’s desires.

That is what I strive to be, Venus rising from the sea of negativity, bringing forth new life, passion, and most of all, love.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always.

Suzanne