Random Musings, relationships

Love, communication, and boundaries

9/4/2022

Love“a profoundly tender, passionate, affection for another person, a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.”

Communication“the imparting or exchanging of information or news, a letter or message containing information or news, the successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings, the means of sending or receiving information, such as phone lines or computers.”

Boundaries“a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line, a limit of a subject or sphere of activity, honoring ourselves as a separate individual with needs and wants that often differ from others.”

These three things can kill a relationship really quick if they are not managed correctly between both individuals.

Before I get into the purpose of this writing, I need to tell about my own issues with some of these actions, specifically communication and boundaries.

As I laid there trying to sleep last night, trying to not dwell on the issues with the online relationship, it was another day of smelling cigarette smoke. I wrote about this before in my blog article “Love’s Purpose.” I stated that my psychiatrist said it was a trauma response to the people I was still “dealing” with in my life at that time.

During that time, I was facing the trauma and trying to forgive my ex-husband and my own mother, they were both smokers. The ex-husband had passed away and there was not any closure to the things he put me through. I was not talking to my mother then and had pushed her out of my life.

The last few days since this turn in the online relationship, I have smelt cigarettes all day, every day. It was really becoming bothersome. I knew that once I settled my anxiety and stress it should subside, like it always did before.

I was about to fall asleep when I heard, clear as day, a whistle. To be specific the tune my ex-husband used to whistle. It sounded like it was right in front of me. That woke me up really quick.

I laid there in the dark, listening to my fans going, the air conditioner humming, and my own breathing.

I just looked out into the void of the darkness and said, “What do you want from me?”  It was specifically to my ex-husband. I do not think most believe in being able to talk to people who have already left this reality and towards what is beyond what we can physically see. I am not even sure if I believe it myself but in that moment, I had enough.

I looked out into the darkness and once again said “Why are you here, bothering me, again?”  Then I went on this rant about how he had his chance and he blew it. He lied about taking care of me, protecting me, and loving me, forever. He made me cry myself to sleep every night for 17 years until I finally got the courage and strength to just let the marriage go. He cheated on me most of our marriage and blamed me for it. He was not the man he promised to be when he asked me to marry him.

I stated out into the void again “Just go away and leave me alone, you are not wanted or needed here anymore, I do not need or want you anymore, I release you into the universe, go find your own happiness and peace.” 

That was it, all I needed to say to him, a final time.

There were no tears, there was no anguish, no anxiety, no hatred, and no anger. I just did not have it in me anymore to expend that energy towards the memory of him. I stated one more time “Go away, find your peace and happiness, quit messing with mine.”  I also said, “I have this person right now who makes me happy and I am not willing to let that go, so leave it alone.”

In that moment, the cigarette smell went away. I do not remember much afterwards because I fell asleep. I woke up this morning and that perpetual heaviness in my heart, the anxiety, was not there.

It was the memory of my ex-husband that has been blocking my own happiness and me not fully letting it go. I had to finally say to the universe that I was letting him go. I had to release his memory and that negative energy back into the universe. I had let it go.

Those are the things that I could never say to him in person. I never spoke back to him, never told him my feelings, and was in a constant state of panic around him.

My life had become so chaotic, I could not see the spiraling into the deep depression towards which I was heading.

No one knew about the verbal and emotional abuse he had put me through all those years. People thought we were happy. I created that façade for the sake of my own kids. The boundaries of our marriage were nonexistent and I paid the price for it, with my self-esteem, pride, and ego.

I also realized after that moment, that I still have to confront my parents and verbally forgive them to release that negative energy as well. It is the only way that I will be able to find the happiness I am seeking.

Before all of that happened, after another day of not knowing where the online relationship stands. I sent the person a text message, to tell him to have a good day and take care. I am still keeping that line of communication open, even though it is one sided at the moment. It is all I can do; I have not given up hope. He is still looking at my texts but not responding.

That brings me to the boundaries of this relationship and the communication style of both of us.

I have been in therapy for years and because of the progress that I have made, I am very vocal about my feelings, all of them. Much to the dismay of others who are sometimes uncomfortable with me just stating what I am thinking or what I have been through. My style of communicating is open, blunt, to the point, and sometimes borders being aggressive.

It depends on what we are talking about. I understand social cues and know when to step back in order to make sure I am not getting into someone else’s personal space or saying something that is going to offend someone.

I am not the overbearing bitch that most people portray me as. Pardon my language but that is putting it bluntly. The ones who see me in that light normally are the ones I have had a disagreement with when it came to work, job duties, and responsibilities. The ones who I was in competition with for any reason. It is that go getter attitude ingrained in me after 20 years of military service. I had always strived to be the best of the best. I do not know any other way to be when it comes to working on something or working towards a goal.

This attitude is what also comes out sometimes when I am trying to form a friendship or relationship which is a real mood killer for most. I know this and I struggle with pulling back some of that intenseness.

In the online relationship, I send him multiple texts a day with random things that I was thinking about, or saw, or found. I asked him specifically a week ago if it was becoming too much? I felt like I was being too much. He said no. He stated he liked getting the texts, so he could read them during the day while he worked, then he could message me a response back afterwards. I continued that style of communicating with him.

It was in the moments of high anxiety due to self-doubt is where I had the problem. I was unintentionally reverting back to those same behaviors of trying to not make waves, shutting down my feelings, and not wanting to make him mad because of the way I felt or the thoughts I was having. I would text him these messages, feel guilty about it, and delete them.

He came back and stated that he did not like that, and that it made him feel like I was trying to hide something. It was putting a strain on trust between us. I explained why and he understood then reassured me to just tell him how I felt, so we could work on it together. He told me to just leave the messages there, no matter what they said.

That is what caused the current issue. I told him what I was thinking, what I believed about him, and how it made me feel. It was too much for him in that moment.

His style of communication is taking in small chunks of information at a time, dissecting it, and being purposeful in finding a good response back. He chooses his words carefully to not cause any misunderstanding. His style of communication is more subdued than mine. He is willing to take the time to figure it out and then come up with a solution. Mine is such a contrast, I want an answer quickly and to the point. I realized that, and did apologize to him for being too aggressive with my questions.

That is why I am being patient and waiting for as long as it takes for him to respond. I am still sending him morning messages to have a good day and take care. I still tell him that I love him because that has not changed in any way. I am not one to say that easily to anyone in my life. It has taken years for me to even recognize that I can love someone unconditionally and with such openness.

As I sit here and write this, there is no anxiety, there is no sadness, and no regrets. I am not feeling what I was feeling two days ago.

My mind is quiet.

My heart is calm.

My thoughts are clear.

Relationships are messy. You have these two individuals trying to become one. It does not always fit perfectly and there will always be issues.

If you have set up at the beginning the expectations as it pertains to communication, personal boundaries, and how you define love then it could be so much better. Unfortunately, most people do not do this.

They go headfirst into everything because it feels good and they want more of that. Couples do not think about any of the potential problems that may arise later after the newness and excitement starts wearing off. Then that is when reality sets in and whether the two can effectively communicate with one another. It is going to either pay off or cause it to fail.

Hopefully, through our previous interactions with those issues, we will continue on because we corrected how we dealt with them and came to an understanding.

Only time will tell at this point.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always.

Suzanne