Random Musings, relationships

What do I call this? Is this just a fling, a relationship, or something more?

9/3/2022

It is a Saturday evening; I am feeling a little anxiety and stressed but that is not new for me.

The reason for the anxiety and stress is also not new but this time it is a little different.

It is about a relationship, the current online relationship specifically.

I know that I have written numerous times before about the run ins with scammers and just not nice people while I have been online the last 5 to 6 years. I wasn’t always on social media back then so some of the interactions were through dating apps. Which is a whole other form of media that I am staying far away from.

To give some background on what is occurring at the moment that has me perplexed.

I initially met this person on Instagram and was interested in forming a romantic relationship in March of 2020. That interaction ended April of 2020 after the pandemic hit and everything went into lockdown. The actual conversations ended because at that time I was still friends with a young Nigerian man who I had befriended in 2018. That friendship came up during this interaction with this online person, he got mad, and wanted me to end it stating that the Nigerian was just using me. Which did turn out to be true later.

This new online relationship that I was trying to form just ended. All of his accounts were gone and he just disappeared, I assumed that the pandemic played a big part in that.

That friendship with the Nigerian finally started to unravel at the end of 2020, partly because of the pandemic but also due to finding out that all the help that I provided as well as his family and friends, was just being thrown away on clothes, parties, and living it up, on other people’s dime.  I finally just gave up completely during the summer of 2021, chats had become sporadic with him only contacting me when he needed money. I ended it at the beginning of August of 2021. I have not talked to him since. He has tried contacting me but has been blocked on everything. I do not want anything to do with him ever again.

That is how that online romantic relationship started in March of 2020. I never forgot him, would still look at the pictures I had of him and wonder how he was doing. I wondered did he survive the pandemic? I would send out these positive thoughts and vibes to him, hoping he was doing okay. I could not forget him. There was something there but I was not sure what it was. I assumed loneliness which I have written about many times before.

Fast forward to 2 years later, and he showed up again on May 23rd, 2022. He messaged me on Instagram. At first I thought it wasn’t real because why would he just turn up out of the blue? I was happy because it was good to see his picture again but then I remembered how badly it had ended, my feelings had been hurt by him. I did not even acknowledge him and blocked him immediately.

He then messaged me by email, I had forgotten we had messaged through email and Hangouts back in 2020. He was persistent, messaging every few days, and I finally acknowledged the email on June 2nd.

He wanted to know why I blocked him and for me to talk to him. I told him how I had lived that first year of the pandemic, alone, isolated, and recovering from surgery. The online friends I had, just disappeared, not once had they asked how I was doing or even bothered to answer my questions about how they or their families were. That was the time when people needed a friendly face to talk to the most, that connection to another human being was important to our survival with the pending uncertainty. I had felt like that I was just tossed aside because I was no longer important or needed. Then my youngest son came home and it got a little better but I still did not have any friends to talk to. I told the online person that I had learned how to live a solitude life and I did not need anyone but my family.

He was not giving up though and sent me this:

“That’s not true Suzanne. I’m sorry your friends deserted you; I went through the same thing too, no one was here for me. I had to quit Instagram and all. Honestly, I totally forgot I had your email; I opened that IG account just to reconnect with you. After few days of searching for you with your name, I finally found you…I’m really sorry for all you went through. I was in love with you, but was sad because you were talking with a guy from Nigeria…Please don’t kick me out now. I really like you and want to be friends with you…Please I want us to be good friends, I’ve always felt you and I have something special. Please come back to me my dear Suzanne”

I was still thinking it through and would only acknowledge him through email at first. Then it went on a few days on both Instagram and email before I set up a WhatsApp account through which we could talk. I wanted to see where this would go.

That was June 6th to September 1st. We have been non-stop talking to one another every day, sometimes several times a day, since. Sending back and forth, texts, dm’s, pictures, music, pics of handwritten notes, and early morning phone calls. Every conversation filled with messages of love, devotion, hopes, dreams, desires, and a happily ever after, culminating in a proposal of marriage. I told him I would marry him because I feel that strongly about our connection with one another. I still do but then some questions came up.

We are still talking, September 3rd, I think, but not sure.

Two days ago, after all this back and forth between us every day since June, we had a misunderstanding.

It was a pretty big misunderstanding and I needed some answers from him.

During one of our early in the morning phone calls, a couple of weeks ago, he was sleepy and he said that it took him three times to get back with me. At first I thought that I misunderstood him so I asked, “What do you mean?” He mumbled “Before 2019, you weren’t ready, then the pandemic hit, and now, we are finally here.”

That set off some pretty serious flags and questions for me. As far as I knew, we had not met before March of 2020. I tried to ask some more probing questions but the connection kept going in and out. He also had to get up for work. I let that topic go but it kept nagging me at the back of my thoughts.

I started looking back at our previous conversations from 2020 and the current conversations. I realized there were similarities to another conversation, the one from 2017. I went back and looked at those emails from 2017 and realized it then, some of things he said were the same. I presented all the information from then and I confronted him with it early Friday morning.

He has not acknowledged anything yet. We haven’t had an actual conversation with one another since early Thursday morning, September 1st.

WhatsApp shows he has seen my messages and his account is still active on Instagram. He has not blocked me or just disappeared again.

I am now just waiting for everything to clear up or end. I have no idea which way it is going to go at this point. I have to leave that up to him.

Is this truly the person from 2017? It seems that way and that is concerning for me.

I have spent the last 5 years reliving those moments from 2017 and trying to, unsuccessfully, forget that person. I was heartbroken it ended but knew I was not ready. I was in the deepest parts of the depression and it was not getting better, there was a final incident that required me to be hospitalized during that time, and he was on the phone with me when it happened. I felt so bad about that and we agreed it should end after I came back home.

The words of love and devotion from the person back then has been used to compare everyone else to, ever since. If they did not measure up to what I was expecting after that experience, then it has been a no go for me. There have been several that ended before they ever began.

I held that person from that time in the highest regard because his written words changed me as a person. It made me want to be better. I began to see my own self-worth from those words. I began to feel like that love was actually possible for me. It was such an overwhelming moment in my life that it still affects me today.

I just do not know how to feel at this moment. It does not seem real or that this is happening to me.

Me, this self-conscious, awkward, nerdy person, who struggles with and is not good at relationships or friendships.

Why would a person who seemed so self-assured and could have gone on to be happy with anyone else, be back again, now? Why would that person search me out again? In my mind it does not make sense. It is those self-doubts coming up again which I am fighting against, hence the anxiety.

In that previous experience, the person used pictures of a person who would be considered perfect. It was actually one of the reasons I ended it. I knew there was no way a person that looked like that would ever be interested in me, to me it was laughable. The self-esteem was at its lowest point back then because of the depression and anxiety. I just knew it would not have been possible and there was no way they were serious about me, that it was all just imaginary, and a fantasy. Yet, despite how it made me have doubts, I never forgot him.

I do not believe how I am now, as a person, would not have been possible if that interaction had not happened. Today, I feel differently and have approached people with more confidence.

It took the last 5 years to build me back up again, so when this online relationship started in May, I was going all in and not holding back anything. I felt that sure of myself. I was going to try and not be afraid anymore.

This online person responded back the same way and was not holding back how he felt. To me it is how people should be. Be honest, be open, and communicate what you are thinking. It makes a world of difference to the people you are with.

At the moment, I do not know how this will end.

Will we continue on or will it finally be over after 5 years, if that is the same person?

I can only hope for the best and approach it with an open heart and an open mind.

If it ends, I will be heartbroken the final time.

I do not think that I would be able to recover fully or approach another relationship, again. I just do not think I have anything left of my heart to give to another person. It has been too hard already.

All I wanted was a happily ever after, the things some little girls dream of.

What they don’t tell you is all the stuff you may have to go through to get there.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always.

Suzanne