Random Musings, Well being

Change – Someone other than me

9/9/2022

11:10 pm

It is a Friday night, and I took a cool shower to wind down the day.

We spent half the day packing up unused items to take to Goodwill.

I finally decided a few weeks ago it was time to let go of some things. The items in question belonged to my ex-husband. The possessions he had when we were dating and had become a part of our household. I was still carrying them around with us after he passed away in 2016.

I began to realize that the energy within my house was not as positive as it could be. I had to finally release the negative things that I was keeping around from the previous life that I lived. These mementos belonged to him, were not mine, and they never were.

I have spent the last few years in recovery. Recovery from surgery, depression, anxiety, loss of sense of self, continuously living in the past, and isolation due to the pandemic.

I turned fifty in the middle of the pandemic and it was at this point when I realized how much I had wasted.

Time wasted on things that no longer mattered to who I was in that moment.

Energy wasted on people who no longer gave any value to my life.

Happiness wasted by putting other peoples needs before my own and receiving nothing in return.

Skills, knowledge, and experience wasted on jobs that did not value me.

I became purposeful in rediscovering the creativity that still resides in my mind and heart. This was the first task of changing into someone other than who I used to be.

I began to write more, sharing my ideas, thoughts, prose, poetry, and creativity along with random musings.

I started looking into my own lost culture as it pertained to being Indigenous here within the United States. I started doing beadwork again, relishing in the newfound techniques and other bead workers that I found. Finding beauty, happiness, and a sense of pride in the things that my two hands could create.

I began the process of finding gratefulness in every day. Reestablishing the daily gratitude practice from four years ago. This was the positive energy that I was trying to put back out into the universe and within my own home.

I began learning how to turn to mindfulness as a way of calming the thoughts and working through the high anxiety moments.

In the last 5 months I have taken a chance on this online person and hold on to the thought that our paths crossing was not just an accident or coincidence. I maintain hope, faith, and belief in another person by trusting them. This was a major undertaking for me. I have never put that much trust into another human being, ever. I can only rely on the therapy and counseling that I have gone through the last 8 years in keeping me afloat if it does not end well or goes awry. Only time will tell on that.

I made the decision to finally confront the people who hurt me. I came to terms with the hurt, pain, and trauma that was inflicted by them. I accepted that I would never get an apology. I forgave them face to face. I put that much needed boundary in place and walked away. No longer allowing them a place within my life and letting my mind and heart to be at peace.

Change.

It is the hardest thing that we can imagine within ourselves.

It is making the dream of who we believe we are, come true.

It is accepting all our shortcomings, flaws, and knowing our limitations.

It is willing to accept others for who they are and being open to caring for or loving them.

It is not easy, takes time, and requires flexibility, because we will fail. It is our determination to succeed that will show us the right way.

Change is nothing new, we do this on a daily basis with every action, reaction, thought, and word spoken.

Yet, changing how we define ourselves and deciding to be a different person is the hardest transformation.

It is finding within our self, patience, humility, and a sense of worth to balance it out.

It is being willing to love and take care of our self.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always.

Suzanne