It has been a challenging time, mentally and emotionally, the last few weeks.
The stress of the unknown plays heavily into my thoughts but I have been here before, so then why do I feel this way?
The online relationship is still ongoing and it has had its moments and issues but it is still going. The person has been very patient with my moments of anxiety. I am a little surprised because with my dating history, it would have ended by now. I guess, I was just picking the wrong man. This time I picked the best one. He is nonjudgmental and open with me about the issues we’ve had. He keeps telling me to stop apologizing for the way I feel. I had not realized that is actually a bad habit.
There is that part of my life that is still going and it I look forward to seeing where it goes.
The first time in quite a while, the finances are stable and things are being taken care of, so no worries there. The rest of my family is doing good and living their lives.
As I was sitting here talking to my youngest son about how I felt, he said “Mom, it’s September.” I just looked at him and was like “Yeah.” Then he looked at me again and said “Mom, it’s fall time.” It did not sink until a few minutes later. It is September and every year starting in September until February, I go into this seasonal depression. I can’t believe that I forgot.
Then I took a step back and thought about what has been on my mind lately besides the relationship?
I have had thoughts about my grandparents and small snippets of my former ex-husband. Then there is my own mother and her family. It was all there, the trifecta of my trauma.
I never got over losing my grandparents and miss them dearly. I know they would not like me wallowing in self-pity but I could really use their guidance. I wish they could have seen my kids grow up. I know they are proud of them. I just miss hearing their voices.
I already wrote about my mother and the issues there. Even though we have parted ways, there is that small pang of regret, but it is buried under the thoughts of self-preservation, and the trauma that I am still dealing with because of them.
The last thing is my ex-husband and all the thoughts about how his presence was still in my life. That I had not completely let him go and his energy could not be at rest until I did. That is exactly what I did last week. I have no regrets about that, at all.
Yet, the emotions and feelings related to these people, events, and history still causes some depression from September until February.
I have spoken about this during my therapy sessions and under advisement, I bought a Happy Light. They have done lab work every year and I have low Vitamin D levels. As we head into the fall and winter months the changes in the amount of sunlight will lessen, along with my Vitamin D. I usually end up being put on a round of Vitamin D. Then two years ago, my therapist recommended the Happy Light to give me an extra boost of light during the bleak winter months. It helped tremendously during the pandemic lockdowns and during my surgery recovery.
Then this past week, I also started letting go of mementos from the marriage. That was a hard one because I have carried this junk around with me for the last 6 years during every move. I still don’t know why I did not let these things go before. It was a slight sentimental attachment to them. I also had to realize that they were just things and the most important thing is to be free of them. This plays into my own daily thoughts. It was a good thing to do. I have no regrets.
The rest of the depression and anxiety is related to the lack of sleep and other trauma issues. The insomnia is still causing issues but I finally removed the last of the boxes and tubs in my bedroom. The minimal look of the room has made going to sleep easier. Staying asleep is the issue.
These are the things that I go through every September until the end of February.
The only positive that I can see is that I have already let go a lot of the things that were causing stress. This means, hopefully, the anxiety and depression will be less this winter.
Only time will tell.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
Have a wonderful week!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always.